Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

He said how he feels, that's not being a dictator. Its asking for consideration for his feelings.

Mike Powell would be impressed with that jump to a conclusion.

@sittingonabeach
I actually think you should probably step away from this thread now.

You have continued to quote any and every poster who has a different opinion to you.

You are clearly projecting your own issues about adoption onto a thread that has absolutely nothing to do with that or you.
It’s derailing the thread and pretty tedious now.

I don’t think there’s any need to be quite so hyperbolic.

Why not?

I have no idea who he is.

Read the OP's posts. She said her husband TOLD HER what would not happen. She didn't even get to give her opinion. He made the decision without consulting her. Read the OP's posts.

"so I told Dh and he equally as matter of fact said “well he’s not coming here…"

No discussion. Her husband just made a unilateral decision.

Utter rubbish!

It’s the DS who thinks he’s got a unilateral right. Which he hasn’t!

He wants to invite a virtual stranger for afternoon tea… do you think he’s going to provide, tea, cakes and lunch?

Did you miss the OP's posts?

"so I told Dh and he equally as matter of fact said “well he’s not coming here…"

If a husband told his wife what was happening or not happening, no discussion, with any other topic, what would you say?

You're another one who clearly missed the OP's posts:

"so I told Dh and he equally as matter of fact said “well he’s not coming here…"

No discussion. He put his foot down and made a unilateral decision and didn't even GIVE THE OP A CHANCE to have a say, let alone the son.

There really should be a rule, in breach punishable by mumsnet (not sure how though) that everyone should read all of the OP's posts before responding, not just the first one. Then people who have actually read all the posts and responded due to that due diligence aren't wrongly attacked.

No, I’ve read them all. Didn’t have quite the same borderline hysterical takeaway as you seem to have done though.

Considering the op didn’t herself present it as a discussion, she “told him”, I don’t really think her husband can be accused of shutting down a balanced conversation. There wasn’t one to begin with.

'hysterical' lol. I think you're the one coming across as 'hysterical', not me.

And nowhere did the OP 'just tell him', you're absurdly making up a narrative that doesn't even exist in the OP's posts to justify your wrong take.

Google him.
I have read them, and it's a long, long way from “well he’s not coming here…" to "He's a dictator and clearly wears the pants in that house, and runs roughshod over his own wife". Probably even further than 8.95m.

If a husband said that about any other topic, without giving the wife a say, in any other circumstance he would be accused of being controlling.

Can I refer you back to your post made at 21:28, in particular the words that you bolded?

And he has every single right to say that…. After all
je was privy to the facts, that we weren’t !

these ones

I didn’t mean to ignore but Dh has worked full time and his parents have provided childcare for Ds so they very much felt they were family.
Ex has told Ds that he is the dad and those people are not even family as they are not even related to him.
This has naturally upset Dh.

Over my dead body would that man be entering my home with that attitude, I would also call to question my relationship with my wife in those circumstances and expecting me to accept that.

You may be prepared to accept that, but more fool you!

Yes she told him that DS said he was coming to visit (didn't even specifically mention the home, it could have been coming to their town to visit), and he outright said “well he’s not coming here".

Quite right as well!!

The “D”F is awful, degrading the man and his family who brought his son up!

Her husband would have the right to be upset, sure. But he wouldn't have the right to unilaterally ban him from his wife and son's house. It's their house too. Being upset is one thing. Making a decision based on being upset and out of spite is not right.

No it is not at all right for him to make that decision without even considering his wife and her son. No matter how awful he is, he is still his wife's son's biological father. The husband is acting out of hurt and spite.

Yes he does! No one enters my home if they’re an irrespective arsehole to any member of my home!

If my DH didn’t support that, I’d be calling our relationship out.

Jesus, I’ve brought your child up for 20 years as my own and you want me to play happy families, as he insults that and my family that have provided love, warmth, childcare and family to him.

Nah, I’d seriously be saying that’s not acceptable and if you think it is, then we consider this is no longer a family home.

No - actually DS made a unilateral decision to invite his dad without consulting OP or her DH. Which is a problem in itself. And bio dad hasn’t even crossed the threshold of their home yet and he’s already pissing in DS’s ear about DH and his family not being ‘blood’ relatives, despite the fact that they have all welcomed DS as their own. That’s sickeningly hypocritical coming from the man who was responsible for bringing about that situation in the first place. If l was OP I’d be backing my DH all the way and this dead beat dad wouldn’t get over the doorstep.

He doesn't have to play happy families, he can go out for a few hours if he doesn't want to see him.

But he has no right to make that decision on behalf of the other person that owns the house, and her son.

He is having a strop because the biological father wants to see the son and his nose is out of joint. He needs to grow up and put the wishes and needs of his wife's child before himself and his bruised ego.

This isn't even what the OP says, only that he's uncomfortable with it. You're projecting emotions onto him from... what? Almost nothing. And as for not allowing her a say in it, she doesn't even want a say.

As I said we don't even know if he is simply just visiting their town, we don't know if the son invited him to the actual house (unless OP clarifies). The H just simply said well he is not coming here.