AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Both daughters are old enough to sort it out

There is so much information readily available online regarding how to address issues like this with a supportive (rather than punitive and shaming) approach.

I’m wondering how tightly you control food…

I think based on the context of what has happened, their ages and taking into account being careful of food related punishments I’d probably just withhold the treat this week but not ask for the sister to have it. That feels a bit much maybe. And then leave it.

Do you think she got carried away with watching the film and just kept nibbling without thinking?? My kids do this. All the best intentions and then all forgotten!!

Has she been medically checked. You saying she's greedy but sounds like she has good issues. Id be concerned if my child.

DO NOT use words like greedy around food with teenage girls.

Edemame. A fucking vegetable.

Wow, ok, because punishment about weight is a surefire winner!

I have always had a big appetite. There's nothing medically wrong with me. The OPs daughter is sporty apparently and isn't overweight. She's maybe not eating enough if she's sporty and growing.

Can’t say I know the best way to deal with the situation, though I think the suggestion you made is pretty fair. I’m simply commenting to say respect to you for how you’ve handled the responses on this thread, some of which seemingly are posted solely to antagonise. You sound really level headed and patient, and I’m guessing that reflects in your parenting of your two girls - and hopefully some of the over-the-top comments here won’t make you second guess or alter that!! You know what you’re doing and I don’t think there’s anything unreasonable about your post at all.
Hope you get everything smoothed out re: edamame-gate!

But it was about food 🤷‍♀️

And it all sounds like a load of bloody drama over next to nothing.

I wouldn’t make a thing of it. Yes she took more than she should have. She’s been told. Next time you do the sharing out. I’d leave it at that.

She apologised immediately though. If your younger child was distracted by the tv then it is possible that the older one was too. You said she was in full view of you.

The younger one knew that crying would make you more angry at DD1. You say she cries a lot - I hope you are helping her to calm this as it won’t go down well at senior school

Some people are naturally kind and like sharing and some aren’t. How do you force someone to be less selfish? There is a place in the world for both types of people.

Edamame-gate! 😅😂

I appreciate your comment. I posted here for honest, helpful feedback, and also because I knew I'd get some entertainment out of it as well, so I'm not taking anything personally or getting offended by the antagonistic responses 😅

This is sibling rivalry and they’re old enough to sort it out amongst themselves. All you need to say is that she was wrong and should apologise. It’s for DD11 to plot her revenge!

So you posted just to get people frothing then? Some people have experience with disordered eating and they are naturally going to be concerned because of their own experience but I hope the thread has given you a laugh.

Back in the 80s, that was always what happened 🤣 It’s strange that the siblings who managed to deal with these things are often very close later in life.

How do you teach a child to cry less? Yes, obviously I worry about how this will affect her at secondary school, but...just tell her not to cry? Me, DH, and DD12 all have different approaches to DD11's crying behaviour. None of them seem to lessen the crying. I hope she'll just mature and be able to hold herself together a bit better as she gets older.

I know that people are different, but if I know my child has a selfish streak in her, I think it's my job to try to get her past it as much as possible. Just like trying to get her sister not to cry so much, it may not work, but I don't think I should just accept this attitude.

As I mentioned in another comment, I was a very selfish child. My parents never corrected me on that or anything else and I believe their lack of interest in directing or developing me as a person really did me a disservice. I had to figure out my (often major) flaws and deficiencies on my own as a young adult and try to improve myself and it was very hard! Some irreversible damage was already done by not being self-aware as a teen. Yeah it was great never getting push back on anything from my parents at the time, but now I obviously wish they'd done things a bit differently. I'm trying to find a happy medium with my children so I don't act like my parents did, but also do not swing back too far in the other direction.

I mean I didn't post it with the goal of getting a laugh...but I knew it would come with the territory and I was ok with that 😀 I did (and do) honestly want proper feedback.

There is nothing wrong with crying at 11 years of age in my view. If some people actually let their emotions out more then they wouldn't bottle everything up - which can lead to bigger issues..
Ah right. So you partly posted this for entertainment?

Ah so you are projecting onto her, that makes sense. She probably does have a selfish streak but, regardless of what the good people of MN think, it’s not the worse thing. it may well do her well in the future. We all have to identify our faults as adults and decide whether it is worth changing. I’m sorry you had the experience but you can’t fix every perceived flaw in someone.

Perhaps just be matter of fact when your DD2 is crying unnecessarily. It probably irritates DD1.

It’s a shame that you are just hoping she grows out of the crying and yet you are actively trying to change the personality of your other child.

No no, read my follow-up. Sorry, I didn't do it for the laughs, but I knew that there'd be a bit of entertainment as well. I want real feedback.

And the fact that you used words like ‘greedy’ and ‘selfish’ over some bloody vegetables is batshit.

But like I said, I’m sure the people whose parents had similar opinions of them and have major issues now thought it was hilarious.

Well, like I said, I just feel there's less to do to help a child who cries too much? I don't know what else to say to her. I feel like I've mostly exhausted that avenue though of course we still talk about it.

However, with her sister, it's easier to correct and give feedback on. Maybe that doesn't seem fair, but DD12's behaviour seems more fixable.

The way to teach your child to cry less is to not pander to her and not reward her for crying. She's crying because it gets her the results she wants, attention and treats for her, punishment and trouble for her DSis.You need to recognise this manipulative behaviour from DD2 as at least equally bad as the absent minded selfishness of DD1.