AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

It sounds like you want to change your daughter’s perceived selfishness because of your own issues. So you posted this for a bit of a laugh.

How do you propose to break this personality trait in your daughter?

This would be my concern
id have a chat to her 1-2-1 and ask her why she does this? Is anything bothering her etc etc…

Good luck with that. She has inherited your personality traits and she needs to learn to navigate it. However she probably gets pissed off that you are trying to change her but have given up on ‘improving’ her sister.

Please, don't be obtuse. Of course I'm not laughing at people who have concerns about eating disorders; that is useful information for me to hear. I'm laughing at posts where people think my family of 4 split a pot of peas for dinner or where people tell me I am a terrible parent for ordering a takeaway occasionally or for having a movie night.

They were vegetables! However I agree this poor girl needs to be heard and not judged.

The OP posted for a bit of entertainment and to air her own issues about selfishness.

She was greedy so does deserve some kind of consequence and sounds like she likes food so it’s a good consequence imo. If she’s prone to being a big eater I’d not be feeding her lots of takeaway as it’s very tasty and difficult to stop!

Whether it is vegetables, meat, fish, cake, biscuits
being greedy with food isn’t nice However sometimes it’s a cover for other anxiety related issues and if it was my daughter I’d speak to her about it all in a calm manner to establish why she is doing it

OMG, can people not read? I did not do it for a laugh.

I WANTED REAL FEEDBACK, but I knew there would also be some unhinged people who would ignore most of everything I'd written and just come at me with crazy things. This is MN after all. If I came into this not expecting anything farcical I'd probably be ready to off myself based on the alleged state of my parenting.

Honestly, I truly appreciate everyone who has given me real input. I think anyone reading the comments and my replies would see this.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta

That's not quite a fair assessment. The OP has made it clear that she posted because she wanted real feedback, but also knew that there would be people who misread/misunderstood what she wrote and would say ridiculous things. She posted for feedback but was aware that some people would say idiotic things as well and that is what has given her a laugh.

Adults who can’t gauge what a “fair share” is from a communal meal, and don’t leave enough for their friends are really annoying. At 12 she needs to learn this skill fast so it doesn’t become a problem when she’s a teenager or young adult and eating with friends.
I’m not sure that punishing someone days after the fact is very effective, but she should learn to be a bit more considerate to those around her.

You know that you'll be mentioned forever more as the women who only gave her kids a pot of peas to share for every meal or some such right? 😂

You do realise that some people cry more easily than others - my teenage son does, for example (much to his occasional embarrassment), while my daughter does not. He is working on it, but sometimes tears are a natural bodily response to whatever is happening and not a sign of manipulation.

I am not being obtuse - what do you expect people to say when you admit it has been entertaining?

Other than getting her to be nicer to her sister (and getting your younger one not to be dramatic), you can’t change what she is, however much you would all like to.

Dont be surprised if she starts to hide things from you as she gets older. The (perhaps incorrect) perception I am getting is that she plays second fiddle to her sister. I am only basing this on reading between the lines (and my AUDHD mind)

Isn’t it possible for the dynamic between siblings to be one perceived ‘black sheep’ and one ‘vulnerable little one’.

IMO, some people need to put aside the fact that this incident involved food, because OP's older daughter having a greater appetite isn't what bothered the OP. It's the fact that she took something for herself that was intended for her sister. She knew it was for her sister and had said that she would share it sensibly.

Pretend, for a moment, that this was not thirty edamame pods, but thirty pound coins, and it had been agreed to be split reasonably (so 15 pounds each, or maybe even a tad more for the older sister - 18 to 12, perhaps.)

The OP's problem isn't that her daughter wanted to eat, it was that she ate things that weren't for her.

90-95% of the feedback I have received (both positive and negative) has been appreciated and taken on board. Some of the remaining 5-10% have at least given me a chuckle.

Yes and OP is trying to break that personality trait, which ultimately will affect her self esteem.

She will pick up that she has inherited a trait from her mother that her mother has complex issues about.

Surely two siblings can sort things out between them?

I think you are massively projecting here, to be honest.

Hmmm, but in this case it's clear that this child has learned that turning on the waterworks serves her well. Yes, some people may cry more than others, but they don't do it as a public performance unless they're using it to manipulate.

That's exactly what I'm seeing.

So what is your conclusion? Are you going to continue trying to stop her being ‘selfish’ while being passive about your other daughter (because she potentially could get a lot of stick at senior school because kids pick up on things like that!).

I've said she cries a lot but I haven't said that I pander to her or reward her. She does not get the response she would want from her crying if she were trying to manipulate me. In this particular case, it's not important that she cried; that could have been left out. It just matters that an unfair action took place and that is why I was upset with her sister.

This personality trait might actually affect her friendships and interactions going forward, so if someone is not naturally considerate to others, then maybe it is the parent's role to teach them how to be.

Please elaborate. And bear in mind I don’t have siblings

It's so clear isn't it?
My brother used to do it to me so I recognise it, it was mean/selfish/greedy of him, and I'd cry more out of anger really.
Not the end of the world but he did need to be told/watched to stop him doing it repeatedly.
Rest assured he's a perfectly decent 52yr old now!