AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

So once again, slagging DD1 and excusing DD2.

Incidentally, you describe a similar situation where DD1 was in DD2s position, and didn't get her fair share (the pizza with friends). What would your reaction be if your DD1 had turned on the waterworks about it? And do you think her friends should be punished for taking more than their fair share? And finally, are you intending to reward DD1 to compensate her because she didn't get her fair shate of the pizza?

It dounds to me your DD1 acted very maturely and reasonably in a disappointing situation (quite the opposite to DD2), have you praised and rewarded her for that?

Well maybe she might see how her sister feels now

But that dynamic has come from you and how you treat them. You're going to screw them both up if you don't stop treating them so differently.

It might be worth having a good think about how you view this situation compared to the edamame one. It's possible that your elder child has got the message "mum thinks this is bad behavior when I do it to my sister, but not when other people do it to me".

I wouldn't make anything about food a thing but I'd be on it next time and divide the food up on plates between them first.

The bigger issue is that your elder daughter is consistently mean to her sister. And you wonder why she cries. Poor kid. This isn't just about food at all. I said that pages back

Yes, but this situation was a bit different. DD12 doesn't like pizza, she wasn't looking forward to pizza. Therefore, she was just annoyed that she came home and was hungry because other people were thoughtless. Also, it was seemingly done by accident, not to specifically hurt her. There are parallels, but it's not exactly the same.

I can see it happening in a group situation more easily but with two people? No way.

Maybe my peers held each other to a higher standard but I know anyone who was unfair would definitely have been undesirable socially. Completely understandable. I did see that in practice in some groups. It is rather a tumultuous time for girls socially really.

Perhaps she's mean to her sister (if indeed she is) because she's jealous and upset that her Mum favours and priotitises her sister. Perhaps she's got a bit selfish (if indeed she has), because she's realised that if she doesn't put herself first, then no-one else will as Mum always takes her sisters side...

This is the easiest solution. Just avoid the problem and divide it up. I maybe wouldn't focus too much on this single issue. It's just a symptom of a much broader problem with the sisters.

Either way OP, you're in for a rough next 6-8 years by the sound of it, so brace yourself.

OMG. You just don't get it do you? You are being horrible about your DD1, and treating your children so differently to each other. You are damaging them BOTH by the way you are behaving and playing favourites.

I'm out now. Mostly because I need to sleep, but also becsuse I'm getting really upset on your poor DD1's behalf.

@ValleyoftheShadow

Yes - if OP is correct in her interpretation of their dynamic, then it would suggest that there is a problem with how DD1 (generally) treats DD2 and the roots of that would need to be explored. It could be that there is some internal pain or a sympathetic reason as to why DD1 behaves as she does.

The overall issue here isn't about food, it's about the girls' relationship.

If her mates had a pizza and they all had multiple pieces - why didn't she just take more? It must have been a huge pizza - because any pizza I have had from a takeaway tends to be cut into 8 pieces - how could they have multiple pieces unless the pizza was huge or cut into into lots of pieces?

Also. If she doesn't like pizza - what's the issue. She's upset at coming home hungry when she doesn't like it anyway. She could have bought something else or taken something she did like with her.

Is this just an example to show that 12 year olds are thoughtless? If there was a pizza sitting in front of me and I wanted more than one piece - I would take it as long as everyone got their fair share

If the issue was that she didn't want them to order pizza because she doesn't like it - unfortunately a lot of kids do like it and it's unfair that she was left out but it's not an unsurprising choice for kids who are working on something together

With 11 and 12 year olds I do think there comes a point where you need to stop intervening and let them sort things out between themselves. The fact dd11 'burst into tears' about this suggests she is:

1. not very resilient at all (need to be worked on)
2. not able to stand up for herself (needs to be worked on)
3. used to you punishing dd12 when she does something 'mean'

Out of everything, dd12 eating all the edamame is selfish yes, but its not really the end of the world and its 100% something that dd11 could have prevented happening / can prevent happening again.

I wouldn't be punishing dd12 here, I would instead be talking to dd11about how she could have prevented this.

She presumably knows her sister is not good at sharing - she could have taken her fair share of the edamame at the beginning. When she noticed her sister had eaten all the edamame, instead of bursting into tears and looking for you to help - she could have stood up for herself and made it clear to her sister that was unacceptable. She could have said something like 'okay this means that all the some other treat you have in the house is mine now you can't have any of it'. You would back this up, but the solution doesn't need to, and shouldn't IMO, come from you.

You need to teach her you wont be there to sort out disagreements all the time.

It sounds like you're projecting on to your older DD. Shes a different individual in her own right in a completely different family dynamic and life experiences. A 12 year old girl that has a lifetime of mistakes and learning ahead of her. Some common negative traits you've noticed will be simply because she's young. Lots of kids are selfish and most learn as they grow. Its doesn't mean you can't try and parent according but I would be careful of your personal 'triggers' and whether you are over reading some situations.

I think you've answered your own original question here. You tried it. It didnt work. You've learned that DD12 has not yet developed the ability/skill to share fairly in this kind of situation. So why would you want to punish a child for their lack of development in a particular area? What you do is work on it with her, while you, the adult, guides and supports to ensure her sister doesn't lose out. So you support the sharing, backing off as consideration develops in DD12, and confidence to challenge develops in DD11.

The number of people on here who have never heard of having a Friday night movie night with a takeaway, on top of the people who think it’s impossible to eat enough sushi to fill you up… I swear this place is like a different planet sometimes 😂

I am not sure why you think everything should be split 50:50. The eldest is a hungrier child so would it not be better anyway to split the food into thirds in favour of the eldest getting more.

No. They’re 1 year apart in age, and OP has said repeatedly that the younger one wanted her share but just eats her in a different order. She has also been very clear that there was plenty of other food and the older girl could have had another side dish made from food in the house. This is not an issue of a lack of food and a hungry kid. This was treat food, which is always split evenly. If anyone is still
hungry, they can go and eat anything else but they cannot eat someone else’s share of the treat.

This is an utterly insane thread. No wonder so many kids are so selfish because their being raised by the nutters on here who cannot wrap their heads about splitting things fairly when it’s a treat, and eating something else if you’re still hungry. And all the people
who think a 12 year old cannot possibly be expected to only take her half of a dish?… it’s idiocy. Just a completely bonkers thread which really shows why teachers are leaving in droves because nowadays have such terrible behaviours.

How is it so complicated to understand that when a treat is bought, you say to you kids “take half each.” No one is being starved. No one is being treated badly. The only one who failed here is a 12 year old who took 28 pieces and left her sister 2. It is completely unacceptable for a 12 year old to be unable to share, to be unable to look at a serving and take her half and leave the other half for the other person to take whenever they want. It is completely unacceptable behaviour, and at that age is the totally inappropriate. She is old enough to understand and be conscious is others and only taking her share.

I’ve been reading this thread open mouthed at some of the replies. My kids are 14 and 12. Both boys. We always serve food in the middle of the table so everyone takes their share. I have never ever had this issue. It so basic. It’s like, one of the most basic social things a kid learns.

Do people here not take their kids for tapas or meze? Do you not even sometimes make your dinner with lots of sides and put them all on the table for everyone to take their share? No sharing breads, or cheesy fondue? Even afternoon tea - scones, sandwiches, cakes all put out on the table for the kids to have a nice treat? Even when we go to the beach, we put all the pic Nic food out on the table on Tupperware and everyone serves themselves and no one ever takes more than their portion until everyone has eaten, and then they’ll ask if they can have the last of X. That’s been my kid’s their whole lives because it’s a totally normal way to eat, with family and friends.

But I guess you lot really are just eating a slab of meat and a pile of potatoes on your own wee plate every night.

Whilst I totally understand the selfish element and agree with you, I do think children can easily misinterpret messages so please be very careful and mindful with what message you’re giving your daughter around this and how she may interpret it.

Dont make her out to be greedy, overeating etc. just hone in on the dishonesty - you said you’d share and you didn’t, that’s unkind on DD11.

Eating disorders are horrible and many sufferers can refer back to comments etc that triggered it that I’m sure weren’t usually meant in the way they interpreted them.

Also, the OP told her kids it needed split but the older daughter said, “no, we can share reasonably.” So she had been reminded, it was fresh in her head and she knew what was expected and what she promised. When she was ready to eat her side, she should have taken her half and placed them on her plate and only eaten those. It is not her sister’s responsibility to jump in and grab her half preemptively to stop it being eaten. That’s a terrible way to have to eat. Everyone should be able to manage sharing and being able to take their own share when it suits. The oldest one knew exactly what was expected and had promised to do it. Instead of taking her share and leaving the rest, she just ate and ate. It wasn’t about hunger. It was selfishness and she is plenty old enough to one exactly what she did so all the people saying she apologised straight away so that’s enough… it isn’t. Apologised mean nothing for deliberate mean behaviour. She was sorry she got caught. Not sorry she did it, again. So she needs consequences - I’d have ordered another take away a couple of days later and given her 2 edamame and her sister the rest. Your older child can make herself more food from stuff in the house, but she doesn’t get to have the treat side this time.