AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

I don't know. As I said, I feel I've run out of options for the crying and may have to let it run its course. However, I'll do some more research and see if there are other methods that I can try.

If it does then two things are possible. Either she will want to be liked by people who are incapable of seeing her good points so she changes herself or she realises that being ‘selfish’ isn’t the kiss of death for most people think and she will find people who ‘get’ her.

And that’s the issue - you can’t make someone be ‘naturally considerate’.

And will you continue trying to break your DD1’s personality by making her feel greedy and selfish?

I'd say in some ways I'm still not "naturally considerate," but I've learned what behaviours are expected and respected societally, and I do my best to act in that manner.

Will I continue to try to make her the best version of herself possible so she has the best chance at having a happy and successful life? Absolutely; that's my job as a parent.

Surely the logical consequence here is to talk to older DD about not being fair and, next time, the younger one gets to help herself to food first? If DD1 isn't fair, she has to wait for DD2 to take her share.

This doesn't sound like normal behaviour for a 12 year old though.

Really? I'd think it's not so uncommon, just not ideal.

But in this instance, she has perfomatively cried and you want to double punish your DD1 and reward your DD2. How will she not associate her crying with her getting the results she wants?

Your DD2's behaviour is much more unkind and worrysome than your DD1s.

I think that's really a stretch. I would have been upset with DD12 regardless of DD11 crying; that was really not important to the situation at all.

And no, I really don't think she performatively cried. She was disappointed. She often cries when disappointed even when it has nothing to do with her sister.

I really don't think so. By 12 they know how to be fair and share, and how other people are going to feel if they don't. I know if this had happened with my peers at that age, whoever took more than their share would have been a social pariah. At 12, they know better. So either she is a bully who did it on purpose knowing it wasn't fair and doesn't care, or it's outside normal behaviour for the age if she really wasn't aware. Especially since she had a pile and only left two. That's not just bad mathing.

And your DD2 needs to learn to be the best version of herself, where turning on the waterworks and manipulative, babyish behaviour is not ever accepted or rewarded. She gets rewarded for a mature, reasonable response only (e.g. like maturely accepting her DSis's freely offered apology)

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta

Well, if she intentionally took stuff that she knew wasn't meant for her (I say "if" because I agree it's possible that the older daughter might have got carried away in the moment and not taken note of how much of the edamame she was eating) - then that more or less amounts to theft. Deliberately taking something that you know is rightfully someone else's - you've stolen from them.

So I can see why the OP would want to try to sort it out.

From how the sisters have been described, I'm not sure if they could sort it out between them; both seem to have some issues of their own that they need to get past. Hopefully as they age and mature they'll be able to work things out without parental involvement, but it sounds like there are times at the moment when a parent still needs to step in.

Yes, obviously I'll work to make them both the best versions of themselves, but I was answering a question specifically about DD12.

An apology may also just let DD1 off the hook from accountability. She says sorry, sister accepts, she walks away having got away with it. Leaving two and having a big pile isn't just bad at maths or a mistake. That's deliberate. I'd have DD2 take first portion first next time.

Yes, we obviously try to leave them to it to sort their issues out as much as possible, but we still need to step in sometimes.

DD12 just ate with her friends while working on a school project. They had a pizza and they all ate multiple pieces and she only got one. She said she didn't think they did it on purpose, but just weren't thinking. I think between obliviousness and selfishness this type of thing probably happens a LOT with this age group.

It's really not a stretch.

Your children are very close in age and you're holding them to such very unreasonably different standards.

You very clearly favour your DD2, whilst DD1 is constantly scapegoated.

Yep, obliviousness. Normal. No big deal. Needs gentle steering, not double punishment.

That is the point - ‘naturally’ means exactly that. If I genuinely like someone then I am naturally thoughtful but if I don’t then I can’t hide that.

Perhaps, despite your issues, you could see that, if handled carefully, that 12 yo may well grow into a confident young woman with the drive to succeed and the inability to quietly let people walk over her. That takes a certain amount of ‘selfishness’.

I don't know how you can feel so confident about something with so little information, but ok.

DD12 frequently treats her sister badly (and always has), whereas DD11 is honestly nothing but loving and supportive to her 99% of the time. Does DD11 turn up the crying sometimes on purpose? I can't say it's impossible, but she cries about everything (not just sister related) and it doesn't get a rise out of me anymore, so she wouldn't have much to gain from hamming it up. I think she's just an emotional kid and gets hurt/angry when her sister is thoughtless or mean towards her.

Wow she’s a bully now?? Bloody hell.

I agree they know all of that at 12 but they also start to realise that life isn’t fair and they don’t have to follow the rules.

Laughing at someone being a pariah for taking more than their share though. 🤣🤣🤣

I don't really understand your point. You should never let anyone else undermine what is best for you in life, but I don't think it's ever ideal to be selfish.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta You've been one of my greatest antagonists in this thread. Why you've felt so drawn to push back on every single thing I've said, I'm not sure, but I have to assume that something here strikes a chord with you. Therefore, even though I disagree with many things you've said and don't understand others, I will try to keep some of your thoughts on board as I move forward. All the best and good night.

Even in this post it’s clear that you feel that DD1 is ‘mean’ and DD2 is ‘nothing but supportive’.

So it does appear that you have golden child/black sheep dynamic sadly

Sorry I just feel strongly that girls should be able to stand up for themselves in this shit world (which involves not being a people pleaser).

Good night to you too and I hope you can sort things out

I do feel that this is the dynamic of their relationship and honestly I think most people who would are close to them would agree. However, this is only within their dynamic and they are both so much more than a "selfish" kid and a "crybaby."