AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Have you actually spoken to her about her selfishness? Not specifically about the food, but about selfishness. Using this as an example obviously but just in general, her self centred behaviour and excuse of “I didn’t mean it” when she 100% knew what she was doing.

I suggest therapy for the 12 year old to understand if she’s developing an eating disorder or another emerging disorder where she is simply lacking the ability to control herself.

This is an awful thing to do, encouraging tit for tat revenge behaviour.

DD12 just needed a 'hey, you've eaten then all, that was a bit thoughtless what about your sister?'

'Sorry mum'

And everyone moves on with mum doing the portions next time. If DD11 is still upset maybe she can have a small extra treat 'to make up for it' - but not one taken from her sister.

Encouraging revenge between siblings is going to escalate any conflict and appear that mum is taking the younger ones side which will just fuel resentment.

Dragging spats out for days isn't helpful, even for adults issues are best dealt with at the time or as near as possible.

I doubt very much that DD12 doesn't know or understand that she shouldn't have taken them all, it just sounds like thoughtless munching in front of the t v, like lots of adults do.

Maybe OP should stop eating in front of movies temporarily if this is a problem, to encourage mindful eating in the DDs.

It is amazing how many people are deliberately missing the point.

If OP had bought a bag of 30 jelly beans and DD12 had eaten 28, when she was meant to share equally with her sister, would we all be saying 'it's fine, don't punish her, you'll give her an eating disorder'?

If it wasn't food, would everyone think it was okay for DD12 to be selfish? What if both daughters liked colouring? Let's say OP bought 10 colouring sheets, and asked DD12 to share them equally, only to then see she'd coloured 8 herself and given 2 to her sister? Would we tell OP not to enforce a consequence, just because DD11 'should have said something'?

This isn't about hunger, it's about a child who is plenty old enough to understand fairness being selfish. At the least, she was careless and unthoughtful, which can create pretty horrid people unless dealt with early.

There should be a consequence. Doesn't mean it's a punishment.

The thing with eating while watching a movie is you do it mindlessly & compulsively - think about how people consume popcorn at a cinema.

DD1 apologised, it sounds like she felt bad about it once she realised. Personally I would not have intervened by pointing out that she'd eaten too many beans and left them to sort it out between them, it sounds like there's a dynamic of you intervening to 'protect' DD2 and this is really bad for their relationship - it will build up resentment and otherness.

I think that if you can afford sushi takeout you can afford a portion each of one of the cheapest dishes - the edamame - given your daughters love it. I would never scrimp on giving my kids vegetables. I would also not say things to make a daughter in particular feel guilty around food.

This is about two senior school aged children (or near enough) and a lot of drama.

Yet again, you're not addressing DD2's poor behaviour or the part she plays in this with the age inappropriate waterworks, whilst demonising DD1 for being greedy/unkind/selfish, despite DD1's mature and reasononable reaction of instantly apologising and being remorseful.

BOTH children were responsible for sharing, snd BOTH children failed to do this because they got distracted and didn't track what their sister was eating in relation to themselves. Either they BOTH deserve to be punished for their inattention, or neither of them do.

The only thing I would do here is (away from DD2's ears) have a gentle chat with DD1about sharing and ask whether she thinks a portion each (or at least a full portion for her) is more appropriate now they're older. And (away from DD1's ears) have a gentle chat with DD2 about being more age appropriate and responsible in her response to minor issues.

This is nuts. You think DD2 should be punished for not controlling her older sister's inappropriate selfishness? Really peculiar.

I suspect that DD1 didn't realise that DD2 hadn't eaten any, in the same way as DD2 hadn't realised that DD1 had eaten lots. Either it's a crime not to pay attention, or it's not.

If they both love it why didn't you buy them some each rather than getting them to share?

The OP suggested that this isn't the first time that the older daughter has had more than her share of what was supposed to be shared food

This is the biggest issue for me.

I can't believe you're that tight that you make a couple of tweens with healthy appetites share a little pot of edamame on what is supposed to be takeaway treat night. If you'd have let them have their own side all of this, quite frankly, ridiculous drama would have been avoided. What do they have to share for pudding, half a strawberry?

I think it's a good point a couple of people have made that she might have been engrossed in the film and not thinking what she was doing. Especially at her young age.

Eating 28 pieces out of 30 is just greedy. It’s not an accident , she knew she was Sharing and ate almost all of it.

Was there enough food for the both of them? She shouldn’t have just taken it - she should have eaten her portion and asked for more food if still hungry. She is just about to
enter puberty and might need bigger portions now. That’s usually the age when children’s menus no longer work for young ones. I’d explain that if she wants more to eat she needs to say so. She can’t just take her sister’s food. The last thing you want to do is give her a complex about food.

Exactly. Mind boggling!

This would seem like the most appropriate thing to do particularly as the OP has said several times that the oldest daughter loves food and loves edamine. Or why not just buy some extra just to have in the fridge if they love it so much - Ive only ever seen it in small pots at one local supermarket or at yo sushi but I live in the sticks where you don't get takeaway sushi

Oh howay man this is ridiculous. Me and my husband often share a small portion of beef strips when we have a Chinese, we put the pot between us on the sofa and he likes to eat his throughout the meal, I eat mine at the end. If it got to the end of the meal and I realised he'd left me one strip (out of 10ish) I would be very annoyed, even if he apologised. And it wouldn't be on me at all.

Were they both eating it with their fingers? So there was a tub of edamine and they were eating it with their fingers - or a spoon? I've seen the chilli ones - well known brand but they don't do it in my local supermarket - just wondering what edamine etiquette is. Like if they were sharing how could the oldest daughter not realise that she had eaten the most and her sister got none?

What a drama over a takeaway, your attitude is a sure fire way to eating disorders.

So she's 12, took 90% of a treat meant for everyone, and shouldn't be asked to provide a treat for her sister as punishment? At the cost of a quid or so?

Sorry I disagree with the first few comments, and soz I cba reading the rest. She's not a toddler. She can differentiate between days and food is not being used as a punishment. A consequence of being greedy and denying her sister access to something that was supposed to be shared is that she has to use her pocket money to buy her sister a treat to make up for it. I think that's perfectly reasonable myself.

Innit. My mum and I share a takeaway now and then and she'll have one dish and I'll have another and we usually divide them up so she has some of mine and vice versa - sometimes she will take less as she doesn't have a huge appetite but I give her stuff to take home with 0

Like if I ate 30 chips and gave her one. That's not sharing - on any level..

However they are kids though. 11 and 12 and these things will happen and it could have been avoided if the OP had just shared the food out

I agree. There is a strong whiff of 'The OP is always wrong' about a lot of the posts here, and also an amazing amount of people who will diagnose eating disorders at the drop of a hat. The OP's approach seems fine to me; the offending daughter is old enough to understand deferred consequence and to know what she's doing.

I'm saying no because I don't think that's the way to solve it. The OP has said that the older sister isn't always that nice to her sister. The side wasn't meant for them all. Just the kids