AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Yes she got her older sister into trouble by crying so the mother punished the older one.

I am genuinely not understanding what you are meaning?

According to some people, it can fill you up for weeks 🙄

She hasn't actually done anything yet. Maybe she was crying because she was upset

I am meaning that you seem to be blaming the younger child when the OP didn't have to punish anyone over this issue

Agree with this - edamame beans are easily eaten without consciously thinking about it and 12 year olds and teens are terrible for their minds wandering and doing things without thinking.

It sounds like the OP has made her mind up that the eldest is greedy and selfish, so the chance of it being a genuine case of absentmindedness isn't one she is willing to countenance.

The youngest definitely sounds like she is either oversensitive and is possible learning how to use that as manipulation - especially if she has picked up on the fact that the 12 year old will be easily blamed!

Which ‘she’? The OP said:

I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

So the younger one cried and got her sister into trouble

Next time surely they could buy two sides particularly as they know the older daughter has a bigger appetite - because it sounds like she's done this before.

I’m genuinely shocked that children fall out over edamame beans 🤣

The OP hasn't punished anyone yet. She's just thinking of the punishment to give
Again. The Op could have left it with a sorry being sufficient.

Same. Very mumsnet.

You said, “unless you get one of those big packs”, and they very clearly would have got a big set of sushi, because it was their dinner. You could say the same about literally any type of food, it’s not filling if you only get a small amount, but filling if you get a lot. I just find it strange the number of people in this thread who seem to be assuming OP didn’t get a dinner-sized portion of sushi for their dinner…

I really don't know what size they got as they didn't say. But I stand by saying I don't think sushi is filling. The fact that the elder child ate all the edamine beans apart from two might bear that out

I’m an intelligent and well read woman. But you are confusing me -- I know the older kid hasn’t been punished. I didn’t mention any punishments that have already been given.

The younger child turned on the waterworks and then the older one apologised and she is now in trouble and OP is deciding whether to punish.

The same one that claim their children would rather eat sushi and edamame beans than chips and sweets 🤣

But the dynamic here is clear. DD2 knows that if she turns on the waterworks DD1 will get into trouble. OP is quite unkind about DD1 and harshly holds her to account whilst pandering to DD2 and absolving her of any responsibility. There's not a chance that both the DDs don't know that OP will always take DD2's side and DD1 will always be scapegoated.

You've assumed the younger child turned on the waterworks when the OP has alluded to the older child being selfish with food on more than one post

I would be more worried about the impact on the younger daughter. There has to be a consequence of some type to be fair.

The eldest daughter was thoughtless and unkind. Learning to share is something 12 year olds understand. What about if they go to dinner at someone's house?

That's your opinion. We don't know enough about the entire family dynamic tbh. The OP suggested that the older sister has taken food from the younger one previously

I don't think they would do it in someone else's house.

Scoffing a huge amount of food? The edible part is slightly larger than a frozen pea and there are usually 2 or at most 3 in a pod. Do you really think that 3 teaspoons of peas instead of 2 teaspoons of peas is hugely conspicuous overeating?

Can you quote whoever said that? Or do you think you’re just being funny?

I know you lot probably think the only real dinners consist of meat and a pile of potatoes but there is a whole world of food out there, which makes really great meals.

There is nothing wrong with a meal consisting of sushi. You will then need another meal at the next appropriate meal time. But anyone who says anything not British gets this sarcastic nonsense on mumsnet all the time.

Well maybe they should have bought more examine beans. Obviously

Perhaps unpopular opinion but this sounds like your fault, ultimately. If things are to be shared exactly 50/50, you should be separating them as such and not providing a distraction so they eat without being mindful.

I also thought from the OP it would be something easy to keep track of (like pieces of chicken) but bloody edamame?? You make it sound like she nicked half a garlic bread!

As someone who was 28 stone at my heaviest and spent years in therapy for BED, I'm afraid to say you sound a lot like my mother. I know exactly what it's like to be a skinny, rapidly developing 12 year old who is always hungry, who gets labelled as "greedy" by parents. It led to me eating secretly, whenever and whatever I could, just to fill up without the shame of being told off by my mother. As soon as I got my own place to live and own money I was completely addicted to binge eating. Everything spiralled from there and I developed serious health issues that affect me to this day.

I'm saying this because I think you're at a crucial point in her development where you need to be aware of this shaming and nip it right in the bud.
Wouldn't you rather a daughter who eats her own separate pot of edamame over a daughter who hates herself? Just buy 2 ffs. If she's constantly hungry, you're not feeding her enough.

Back to your question - Punishment over food is a slippery slope. Yes she did something wrong, but you've made it into a multi-day shame event. I don't think this helps either daughter. Don't set them up to be in competition for food again. You've said it happens a lot - You're enabling it.

I don't know. Edamame beans have always been an easy way of getting veg in, in this house. They are fun to eat and a bit salty. I can absolutely imagine the children I know and feed feeling hard done by and sad if they didn't get many of them at that age.

You probably won't get any more sense out of this thread, @SongsOfSongs , what with the usual 'some people are claiming sushi fills you up for weeks' (when nothing of the kind has been said) and 'they'd probably rather have chips' (because some people seem unable to understand that not all children are particularly fussed about chips and the meal just didn't, on this occasion, have any in it) contingent.

I am going on what the Op said.

Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

OP noticed the older one (who has form) had eaten more than her share and asked the younger one (who presumably had been fine until then) if she had had any. Younger one then bursts into tears.

What is difficult to understand? The older one can have been selfish and the younger one could have turned on the waterworks. So both things can be true.