AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Actually no. I'm vegan so my meals don't consist of meat and potatoes. I do eat sushi as well (vegan) but I would probably eat it as a snack rather than for a takeaway (very few places around here would do sushi and edamine for a takeaway. Tofu yes, sushi no).

I eat plenty of food that's not British for the record

Also, it's OK for people to cry if they are sad! Dear god, why not? We are talking about children.

You’re shocked so many responses have suggested calling a 12 year old greedy isn’t acceptable, and that making such a huge issue about food is a really bad idea for a pre-teen girl?

If she is very bad at sharing with her sister, address that without making an issue about food. TBH having had a sister that close in age with a mother who decided everything must be “fair”, having to always share all the time was not only bad for both of us at the time but is one of the things we still both resent her for.

You knew she had this issue, but rather than take a couple of minutes to sort it so ti didn’t happen, you felt watching a movie was more important. Instead of focusing on what you could have done, you want to punish your child. Top tier parenting there. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Some of the language being used here about a child eating a few extra beans is shocking. Greedy, scoffing, stealing. She is none of these things. As for making her buy a treat to give to her sister is just outrageous. This is a sure way to damage not only your relationship with you daughter but to damage their relationship too. Next time order them a side each or portion up the meal first. The most you need to do is have a conversation about sharing and being fair and then swiftly move on.

The rule in our family when they were young, was one divides/serves and the other chooses which plate they want. However, I suppose you had better be there in future incase of bullying.

You are having a sideways swipe at me but you know full well I was exaggerating slightly to make a point. MN is full of competitive undereating and children who won’t touch anything other than water, fruit and veg.

Most people I know eat a balance of largely healthy food with some crap.

Outside of the cozy middle class world of MN, I don’t believe children are feeling hard done by if they don’t get enough edamame beans.

Plus how do you overeat on a portion of vegetables.

Yet she was fine until her mother (who has an issue with her older sister’s eating) asked her about it. Do you think 11yo are incapable of seeing opportunities to get their sibling into trouble?

She is presumably going to be going to senior school soon and needs to be able to do conflict resolution with her peers

Don't use how much your DD12 eats as something to be punished, it will likely set up bad habits around food. Why didn't you divide the side up. Presumably the film could have been stopped whilst you did this?

Your point was made ridiculous because of the hyperbole.

This isn't about overeating. It's about kindness.

It is often the case that when someone has been unkind to you, even to adults, someone being kind will set off tears or upset.

I imagine the mother of these children was able to tell if it was genuine upset or not.

I don't know if you have any children at secondary school but from my experience they grow a lot in maturity during the first year or two when they need to start to navigate these tricky situations with their peers.

My bad but to be fair, this was a bit of a drip feed! I certainly wasn’t picturing edamame. I was imagining pakora or similar! Sorry

only on mumsnet would there be a twenty page thread filled with comments about a twelve year old with ‘disordered eating’ , need for ‘consequences’ and being ‘greedy’ for eating too many green beans.

jack and the beanstalk reworked for the modern age.

poor kids though, the whole thing sounds incredibly overwrought.
depends on the child, but all my kids could no longer be appeased by kid size portions of anything by the ages of 11/12.
they were very sporty and energetic and the cost of eating out skyrocketed.

the mum needs to let this shit go , be kind and thoughtful to the older child and stop using words like greedy out of context, and support more effective sharing in future as well as bigger portions / more sides.

Do they always give exactly 30 pieces? Who’s counting this? Do chips get counted when they are meant to be shared?

Nobody has mentioned kid size portions! Half a portion of edamame seems reasonable for an adult. And it is about being thoughtful, not about the food.

Surely it is obvious to anyone with half a brain that this is an estimate and that eating 90% of any portion that is intended to be shared between two people is a bit mean?

is that half a brain in the room with us?

Food is a gift, and the eldest, as said, is being greedy. Allowing the eldest to over consume is dreadful, iIt eads to the 'I want, I take'. It will also breed discontent in the younger child.
The mother, as the provider, is responsible for divvying up food, and so prevent eating issues in the future.
I speak as I have had 60 years of experience.

There’s a lot of hand wringing going on from a lot people jumping to a lot of conclusions.

OP, however much the edamame cost, take that out of her pocket money and then give it to her sister for her to buy what she wants with it. Or, alternatively, next time, your 12 yr old gets no takeaway. I have no truck with permissive parenting, and a lot of the hand wringing is permissive parenting rather than gentle parenting.

I tend to subscribe to “if you won’t play nicely/share nicely/use it properly then you won’t have it at all”. Real life in the adult world has consequences based on this premise absolutely everywhere. Drive like a dick? Lose your license. Take the piss at work? Lose your job. We’re doing them no favours by making them think that consequences don’t exist.

@Holidaymodeon

”the mum needs to let this shit go , be kind and thoughtful to the older child”

And ignore the younger child - is that your logic?

She was fine until I pointed it out because she had not noticed. She loves edamame, they both do. They both wanted their share.

And to be clear, I have absolutely no problem with DD12's eating, just her being selfish and not thinking of her sister. However, this selfishness may come through more often with food because she really likes food.

Tbh I was a greedy teenager and my mum did have to drill it into me to share food because I had serious food aggression! I do think she is probably capable of sharing but a bit thoughtless. Sharing food is still something that doesn’t come naturally to me but my mum trained me 😂

I don't think you need to punish kids with food. If a child is a bit greedy, I think just explaining that they have to share equally is enough.

That was implied in the ‘provide bigger portions and support effective sharing’ suggestion.
the eldest child seems to be getting a lot of stick for this non event, the mum said this was already a known issue, ergo why not just take better control of the situation before it blew up

Why not just get them their own sides? Why do they have to share? If her weight is unhealthy, this needs addressing but in a different less punitive way.

It sounds like maybe you need to readjust your views of how much food she requires if she's not overweight and you think she's eating too much. If she's thin she's not eat in NH too many calories. I wouldn't be at all annoyed by mine eat in ng too many edamame, I'd get them a portion each next time. Love and learn