AIBU to take my Year 7 daughter's smartphone away completely?

[ExasperatedIs]

I’m just sooo fed up of issues with my DD12 and her phone. She’s in Y7 at school and since she started her behaviour has been shocking and she’s always in trouble at school for attitude, being disruptive and late, makeup etc. Her attitude has been off the rails lately.
Anyway, onto her phone. I have had all the restrictions on it - screen time, not allowed to download apps, clean content etc, and she has managed to change this sooo many times. She has been trusted with WhatsApp before but my DB partner had seen disturbing status’s with her posing in a bra (my push up bra!), lip synching to music, crying, various attention seeking posts and she had hidden them from all our family forgetting to hide from her - so we had the discussion again about inappropriate things etc and removed what’s app, months later we let her have it again. Then similar things happened with snap chat and tik tok which she mithered to death to have so thought ok let’s see if she can be trusted and keep her word (promises about not posting pics and videos of herself etc) then again she was posting, attention seeking posts etc) so we talked about why she was too young to have them and using them inappropriately and hadn’t listened so had to wait until she older to have them.
Anyway yesterday I see she has two detentions at school already on a Monday for being late to two lessons. When she came home I said she couldn’t have her phone that evening. When I looked at her phone I could see she had been on it til midnight talking to her ‘boyfriend’ after bragging she had the screentime passcode and could alter her screentime, waiting until I go to bed, and she’s even pretending to be going to sleep when I go to her! She had actually stolen her dad’s phone and got the screentime code from a message I sent it to him. She had also downloaded Tik Tok again and posting videos and pics - posing in mirrors, lied in bed with push up bra on, etc etc. Also saw in her phone videos actually in lessons (phones aren’t allowed on school!) and she had posted pictures actually in school toilets so explains the lateness! So that’s it, I’ve had enough now. No matter what I’ve tried - restrictions, no restrictions, trusting her over and over again, explaining things, she just doesn’t listen and continues to be sneaky, lie and take no notice. Last night she refused to eat because I had taken her phone then said she will tell school I’m starving her! I just feel totally exasperated by it all. Not sure if anyone else in a similar boat and gone smart phone free? How have you managed it? Sorry for the waffle ! I just feel so upset at the level of disrespect and disregard. Nothing seems to sink in with her 😩

Buy a ‘dumb’ cellphone from wherever (Tesco / Amazon) and she has that from now on. No apps at all.

It’ll do the job in terms of your being able to contact her, and she can phone and text her friends if she wants, but it’ll stop her sending (and receiving) inappropriate content.

She clearly can’t be trusted and there’s no ‘human right’ to owning a smartphone so put your foot down.

We have bought a new basic Nokia but she said she’s not having it and won’t have any. I’m looking into Apple Watch linked to my phone so it has the GPS and messages. I feel like she’s going off the rails

Her most likely next step is to get her own phone (e.g. a friend gives her their old phone) and hide it from you, so keep an eye out for that.

It's not just the phone that's the issue but her behaviour in general including sexually inappropriate behaviour. Can you contact the school and ask for some resources to support?

She had actually stolen her dad’s phone and got the screentime code from a message I sent it to him.
Does he not have a passcode on his phone? That's basic surely.

She is going off the rails. Stop the phone. Turn off the internet.

Get her help.

Do lots of activities with her.

What is her friendship group like?

Who are the bra photos going to? This is an important safeguarding issue. Someone or something is pushing her into this.

Transition to secondary school is brutal and a lot of children don’t cope with it well.

I am not sure re the phone. Even though it isn’t intended punitively it will probably come across that way to her and widen the chasm between you and it’s important to keep her close. So while it seems logical it may not be. I’d certainly confiscate it altogether in the evenings though.

You should not have given a 7 year old a smart phone in the first place.

@caringcarer
She's 12. In Year 7.

Yes, you can rely on someone’s brilliant comprehension skills on these threads!

12 year olds should not have smartphones.

Take it away. And then expect her to get an old one off a friend, so learn how to control what devices can connect to your WiFi

You also need to find out who thia boyfriend is who's getting the dodgy pictures off her.

The phone would have gone the first time she deliberately tried to get around the parental controls tbh. I'd get rid of it, the Nokia is available, it's that or nothing.

It sounds like there's more concerning behaviour here in general though, what is her friendship group like? Does she need more structured extra curriculars to keep her busy in a constructive way? What have the consequences been for her attitude at school and behaviour with the phone in general?

Reread what was written

It doesn't matter. Year 7 is still far too young for a smartphone.

Well that's her choice then. She doesn't actually have to have a phone at 11/12, millions before her managed without one.

I agree. But the thread will take a different direction if posters start thinking the child is only 7 years old and so won’t be helpful to the OP.

Absolutely take it away. She doesn't need a phone at all if that is her choice. My own 12yo does have a smart phone but I check it regularly and we have controls like you around apps, downtime etc. This age is so tricky x

Given how long each of these steps has taken, with months in-between having/not having WhatsApp, it's clear the child had a smartphone way too early, even if they are now creeping into a normal age for one.

You need to protect her from herself more than you need her to like you right now. She shouldn't be sending sexy pictures aged 12, that's serious.

Dumb phone, or no phone, and fill her life a bit more to distract her from what has become her default entertainment.

Agreed with the above. I had a young teen that was just like this. Every boundary we put down with phone was ignored and snuck around. She had two "burner" phones. My internet is really difficult (can only use sky as no other provider can get in and it is impossible to change password on it) so she could just log onto that. Lock your wifi down. I wish I had managed to get the phone properly away from my young teen. TikTok especially was very damaging and she watched loads of dangerous videos and pro-anorexia sites which contributed to years of mental health difficulties.

Ok, great, nothing it is. Didn't kill any of us, growing up without one and she has proved repeatedly that she cannot be trusted, she is too immature. The lying alone would see it gone in my house.

This. I think this widespread access to smartphones for kids and young teens is something that we will come to realise is a terrible mistake.

I agree with the others (as a parent, and as a secondary school teacher). Nothing it is, then. And no Apple Watch, either. You don't need to track her. Nobody needs to track their family members. It's frankly creepy.

She has shown she lacks the maturity to respond silly have a smart phone. Absolutely remove it for good. Get her an app free phone with no wifi capability. Let the form teacher know you are aware how poor her behaviour has been and that this is one of the steps you are taking to tackle the issue. Make them aware your daughter is trying to manipulate the situation by refusing to eat and ask them to contact you if they have any issues in school. Do not let her manipulate you. If you give her a basic phone take it off her at 9pm and only let her have it once schoolwork is complete. You need to lay the law down hard and stick to it as things will only go downhill from here. She needs to show she can behave maturely in all areas and show some honesty and respect.

Take your router to work. It was the sky card in my day