AIBU to take my Year 7 daughter's smartphone away completely?

[ExasperatedIs]

I’m just sooo fed up of issues with my DD12 and her phone. She’s in Y7 at school and since she started her behaviour has been shocking and she’s always in trouble at school for attitude, being disruptive and late, makeup etc. Her attitude has been off the rails lately.
Anyway, onto her phone. I have had all the restrictions on it - screen time, not allowed to download apps, clean content etc, and she has managed to change this sooo many times. She has been trusted with WhatsApp before but my DB partner had seen disturbing status’s with her posing in a bra (my push up bra!), lip synching to music, crying, various attention seeking posts and she had hidden them from all our family forgetting to hide from her - so we had the discussion again about inappropriate things etc and removed what’s app, months later we let her have it again. Then similar things happened with snap chat and tik tok which she mithered to death to have so thought ok let’s see if she can be trusted and keep her word (promises about not posting pics and videos of herself etc) then again she was posting, attention seeking posts etc) so we talked about why she was too young to have them and using them inappropriately and hadn’t listened so had to wait until she older to have them.
Anyway yesterday I see she has two detentions at school already on a Monday for being late to two lessons. When she came home I said she couldn’t have her phone that evening. When I looked at her phone I could see she had been on it til midnight talking to her ‘boyfriend’ after bragging she had the screentime passcode and could alter her screentime, waiting until I go to bed, and she’s even pretending to be going to sleep when I go to her! She had actually stolen her dad’s phone and got the screentime code from a message I sent it to him. She had also downloaded Tik Tok again and posting videos and pics - posing in mirrors, lied in bed with push up bra on, etc etc. Also saw in her phone videos actually in lessons (phones aren’t allowed on school!) and she had posted pictures actually in school toilets so explains the lateness! So that’s it, I’ve had enough now. No matter what I’ve tried - restrictions, no restrictions, trusting her over and over again, explaining things, she just doesn’t listen and continues to be sneaky, lie and take no notice. Last night she refused to eat because I had taken her phone then said she will tell school I’m starving her! I just feel totally exasperated by it all. Not sure if anyone else in a similar boat and gone smart phone free? How have you managed it? Sorry for the waffle ! I just feel so upset at the level of disrespect and disregard. Nothing seems to sink in with her 😩

A lot of the schools near us have banned smart phones completely. I have a child due to start year 7 in September and the school has made it very clear only 'brick phones" allowed and even if they are ever seen out of a bag within the grounds they will be confiscated and only returned to a parent.
This rule is being applied to all schools in the city both private and state.It seems fair and has cut dead any arguments from the kids.
Maybe suggest this policy to your child's school?

I think you know you need to take the phone away. I’d take it and explain that you love her and want her to experience limited access to it but you’re concerned about the things you have found and as a parent you need to keep her safe. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem she’s at that point yet (and she’s 12 so this isn’t really surprising). Let her know you understand this will not be what she wants and that you know she’ll be angry and upset but you have decided you can try again when she’s 14 and is hopefully better able to assess risks to herself. Then you contact the school yourself and let them know she’s likely going to be unhappy as you’ve decided she is not ready for a phone.

The reality is she’ll access tik tok etc still with friends but you’ll be able to limit this as much as you’re able. She will very much not be happy about it but once she realises it’s a permanent loss hopefully she’ll be able to accept the reality of the situation and get on with her life.

Phones are crazily addictive to us adults let alone our children.

I wouldn't even give her a dumb phone. She's 12. She doesn't need it. If there's an emergency, a teacher can call you.

Tracking is both intrusive and pointless.

I'd be more concerned about the sexually inappropriate behaviour. Who does she spend time with? I'd ask safeguarding and possibly SS for advice.

In the meantime, removal of phone altogether, Internet access removed, pick up and drop off from school by a responsible adult.
Search of room for any burner phones, or swop rooms around so she's in with mum for a while.

Evenings at organised activities, music, amatuer dramatics, martial arts, guides, cadets, football, rugby..no hanging around.

She is 12, if its not sorted now bigger problems later.

The last sentence got me 'i feel so upset with the level disrespect'
Ermmm how about feeling upset that your 12 year old seems to be so desperate for attention and putting herself into risky situations?? Attention seeking is usually attention needing.

I don't think the phone is the issue . She sounds like she's having a hard time and maybe some MH issues ? I'm a big believer in choosing your battles and the phone wouldn't be number one . Do you think she would benefit from counselling to find out why she's behaving like this ? It's really hard for everyone concerned at this age and hopefully she will grow out of it .

I wouldnt do that, if she doesnt want the nokia then its no phone at all. If you go buy her the watch she got what she wanted and is no longer any type of conciquece.

I totally agree with you! What I didn’t expect when my son started high school was that he needed all these apps and things for timetables, school messages homework and lunch time food choices. It’s literally impossible to not have a phone in his very normal council run school in a working class town!

Teacher here.
She isn't mature enough and has no respect for you.
You pay for the phone, you pay for the WiFi, you are the boss here. Simply remove the phone. Sit her down and say im not here to be your friend, I love you but im safeguarding you. Until you are mature and responsible enough you have lost the right to a phone and Internet access. Also cite the issues at school and that behaving like this has consequences.

Start finding hobbies/activities things she can do with or without you.

If you dont get a handle on it now this will just escalate.

Now that was my parent head. Here's my teacher one

1.Who is this boyfriend?

1. Massive safeguarding issues with the exploitation/sexualised pictures/posing

3 who has she been talking to on these apps / what content is she seeing.

1. Flouting school rules - makeup to school? Remove all makeup then
2. Late to lesson? How? What is she doing instead
3. You need to instil a value in school - a decent education means more chance of a decent job. If she wants a phone, apps, makeup etc when she is older she needs an income to support herself.
4. Whats her friendship group like? What hobbies does she have? Clubs?

As I said im a teacher in an AP so i literally see it all and I have a 12 year old daughter who yes pushes boundaries but nothing like this. She has a phone with WhatsApp but its managed so family and close friends only, she has Spotify for her songs thats it. She knows I pay for phone and WiFi, she knows at any point I can look at her phone. She understands that her "job" at present is to work hard at school, try her best, do her homework, help me round the house and be respectful. If she does these things she is rewarded with her phone, tv, days out, bits of makeup etc.

She understands and respects my rules. I am stubborn I dont back down no matter how hard she pushes. I know I am safeguarding her and setting her up with a good work ethic, as if she has any school work to do its done before the leisure time. She revises off her own back and completes additional extra curricula activities off her own back too. Its very simple but effective. Yes she tells me im strict and its not fair at times, and yes I am probably one of the more strict parents out of her friendship group but given the safeguarding and issues I see on a daily basis in my work I dont care!

I have the school app on my phone. My daughter knows what homework she has with her planner, her timetable is in her planner but she learns it after a couple of weeks anyway....we pick her lunches together on my phone, I will get the announcements/ messages on my app, sorry but your son does not need a phone for these things.....especially a timetable, he shouldn't be using a phone in the school day anyway!

Of course you take it away … she’s not mature enough to have it.

You do need to take the phone away, that seems pretty clear. However, I suspect her behaviour isn't going to magically get better over night; there are some issues you need to try and resolve.

She is clearly insecure / craving attention; do you have any idea why? Apart from the recent issues you have described, how has her behaviour been as she has been growing up? What is the home environment like?

Nope. Don’t be daft. Apple tag if you must, but she will be fine with no phone.

that’s what all the schools are working towards anyway. She can always borrow a friend’s or get the school office to call you.

her behaviour sounds extreme and needs pulling up sooner rather than later

This won’t work with a girl who’s that determined. We’ve seen it all before, they usually get a smartphone from friends or a cast-off from family.

Your daughter is going through something. Yes, puberty is part of it, but what she’s doing seems very sexualised. And how on earth does she have a boyfriend at 12? That needs to be dealt with.

Sign her up for lots of hobbies so she has no time for these shenanigans, and so she can develop some confidence and self-respect. Sports would be best.

Lots of girls go off the rails, it's hormones but and often parents cannot fully control it but do speak to her school, she needs an intervention.

This is exactly what I’d do, as well as speak to school to tell them what’s happening before she tries any shenanigans. They can probably organise a “stay safe online”
session to address issues too - I used to work in a school, and at one point a few of the kids in one year group were having similar issues so they did a whole school assembly and really hammered home the dangers of being online and how to stay safe etc. OP, absolutely speak to school and don’t worry about it because trust me, your daughter won’t be the first kid they’ve encountered doing stuff like this.

Well she goes without then 🤷🏻‍♀️
She’s 12. She shouldn’t have been allowed social media yet anyway. Oh and my kid’s phones were taken away at 9pm (older than your child!) and didn’t have them back until they left for school/I went to work.
A complete lack of parenting these days.

Parents often jump straight to “take the phone away” or “monitor everything,” but the deeper issue is usually skill building, emotional regulation, impulse control, understanding online risks and respecting boundaries.

Removing the phone buys time. Monitoring adds safety. But the long‑term solution is teaching the child how to handle digital independence safely.

Based on what you’ve described, I would be removing the phone. She has shown clear safeguarding concerns and has also demonstrated that she isn’t currently mature enough to manage a phone safely or responsibly.

I would also put appropriate consequences in place for the disrespectful behaviour and attitude you’ve mentioned. Boundaries need to be consistent and meaningful.

When the time comes to consider giving her a phone again, I would strongly recommend using a ParentShield SIM.

It looks like a standard SIM in the child’s phone, but in the background the parent has full oversight. It records calls, texts, and activity on apps you choose to allow, giving you complete control over her phone usage and keeping you informed of any risks.

I work with families and vulnerable children, and ParentShield has prevented a wide range of unsafe and even criminal behaviours. For children who are not yet able to self-regulate online, it can be an essential safeguarding tool.

Oh definitely come down hard on her. She’s lying and being sneaky. Take the phone away.

Brick phone.
Maybe allow fully supervised access to a smart phone for half an hour in the evening, if her behaviour is good enough.
Let school know your concerns and what you are doing. They need to be keeping an eye out too, and they might put in some assemblies/similar about what can happen to pictures online.
Were there signs of her friends also behaving in this way?

@ExasperatedIs don’t reward your daughters behaviour by buying her an Apple Watch. All you are doing is reinforcing her reliance on tech and showing her that you are able to be manipulated and unable to hold boundaries. She doesn’t need a smart phone, just a means of keeping in touch with you and her friends.
Try speaking with her and finding out why she feels the need to post semi naked photos of herself and work to build her self esteem. Often a lot of bad behaviour is the result of lack of self confidence so they act up to try and boost their self esteem and appear confident and popular amongst their peers.

Wow, this is tough. I do think this needs to be taken away from her and her time needs to be filled with family and extra curricular activities. How we’re supposed to do this when working full time and the kids don’t want to do them is anyone’s guess though.

Who are these friends, do you know them? I’d want to get to know them and their parents.

I’m actually wondering if a change of school would help here? She’s young to be in with the wrong crowd and if it’s like this at 12 it’ll be a nightmare at 14/15.

My 14 yo has started going into town at the weekends. She loves it! She’s not always great at answering the phone so the tracker gives us much-needed reassurance. When I was 14 I had a job on Saturday afternoons, kids these days don’t get that opportunity unfortunately.

I would be really, really concerned about the repeated overly sexual behaviour. Look at it this way, at the school my family member works at, if school were made aware of all of this they would be making a safeguarding referral urgently as her behaviour does raise massive red flags of abuse. I would recommend you approaching your safeguarding lead for advice on this, to be honest. She is so young still for all of this. It could just be other factors, for sure. But please dont rule out the idea that she may have been exposed to stuff you dont know about.

Schools are no longer allowed to do this. What they access must be able to be done on school computers or at home. Children should not be accessing their own devices at school. This is part of the new guidelines. No child requires a phone for school.

I’m a HT and safeguarding lead in a secondary school. We are banning smartphones on the school site from September for all students in Y 7-11.
Read Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation if you’ve got any doubts that this is the right course of action.