AIBU to take my Year 7 daughter's smartphone away completely?

[ExasperatedIs]

I’m just sooo fed up of issues with my DD12 and her phone. She’s in Y7 at school and since she started her behaviour has been shocking and she’s always in trouble at school for attitude, being disruptive and late, makeup etc. Her attitude has been off the rails lately.
Anyway, onto her phone. I have had all the restrictions on it - screen time, not allowed to download apps, clean content etc, and she has managed to change this sooo many times. She has been trusted with WhatsApp before but my DB partner had seen disturbing status’s with her posing in a bra (my push up bra!), lip synching to music, crying, various attention seeking posts and she had hidden them from all our family forgetting to hide from her - so we had the discussion again about inappropriate things etc and removed what’s app, months later we let her have it again. Then similar things happened with snap chat and tik tok which she mithered to death to have so thought ok let’s see if she can be trusted and keep her word (promises about not posting pics and videos of herself etc) then again she was posting, attention seeking posts etc) so we talked about why she was too young to have them and using them inappropriately and hadn’t listened so had to wait until she older to have them.
Anyway yesterday I see she has two detentions at school already on a Monday for being late to two lessons. When she came home I said she couldn’t have her phone that evening. When I looked at her phone I could see she had been on it til midnight talking to her ‘boyfriend’ after bragging she had the screentime passcode and could alter her screentime, waiting until I go to bed, and she’s even pretending to be going to sleep when I go to her! She had actually stolen her dad’s phone and got the screentime code from a message I sent it to him. She had also downloaded Tik Tok again and posting videos and pics - posing in mirrors, lied in bed with push up bra on, etc etc. Also saw in her phone videos actually in lessons (phones aren’t allowed on school!) and she had posted pictures actually in school toilets so explains the lateness! So that’s it, I’ve had enough now. No matter what I’ve tried - restrictions, no restrictions, trusting her over and over again, explaining things, she just doesn’t listen and continues to be sneaky, lie and take no notice. Last night she refused to eat because I had taken her phone then said she will tell school I’m starving her! I just feel totally exasperated by it all. Not sure if anyone else in a similar boat and gone smart phone free? How have you managed it? Sorry for the waffle ! I just feel so upset at the level of disrespect and disregard. Nothing seems to sink in with her 😩

Have you made an appointment to see the Safeguarding Lead? Their intervention will be very helpful and supportive. They can give you advice on other matters, too.

Good parenting 💯

Yes she has a key worker at school and is having sessions weekly for how to manage her emotions as well.

That's really positive, but I was specifically referring to the sexualised images.

I don't understand why not teach the child to manage having a phone? Keeping a close eye on things, checking messages every evening, phones downstairs at all times. They're switched off and out of sight at most schools.

OP's child has psycho social problems, these must be tackled, else she will fall in with the wrong crowd, county lines, alcohol vaping, and even teenage pregnancy. Taking the phone away improves certain things but doesn't actually help dd manage things.

What is your dd's father and what is their relationship like? Is he distant and demanding or warm and approachable? Does she enjoy any clubs at school? Please considering signing her up for something, anything, guides, scouts, cadets, drama club, coding, sailing, dance whatever. Does she have any interests other than boys?

Taking the phone away is not enough, believe me, girls find ways, they use their friends' phones to communicate with boys, meet up in secret.

Install a ring camera so you know if she leaves the house at night. Keep your dd close. Talk to her A LOT.

I think those questions are best directed at the OP, not me.

Oh yes.

Accidentally replied this to @RominaDina

@ExasperatedIs What is your dd's father and what is their relationship like? Is he distant and demanding or warm and approachable? Does she enjoy any clubs at school? Please considering signing her up for something, anything, guides, scouts, cadets, drama club, coding, sailing, dance whatever. Does she have any interests other than boys?
Taking the phone away is not enough, believe me, girls find ways, they use their friends' phones to communicate with boys, meet up in secret.
Install a ring camera so you know if she leaves the house at night. Keep your dd close. Talk to her A LOT.

Try starting with the assumption that someone is grooming her into making and sending the semi clothed pictures. Don't categorise it as bad behaviour she's 100% responsible for until you've investigated who might have been asking for these images or if it really is a group of girls who all do this which one started it / is the ringleader - that child may well be being abused.

Somebody might be threatening her / trying to blackmail her over the semi clothed photos. You need to be a safe person who can help her get out of the situation rather than a person who is just cross about the photos.

I really don’t know, she had posted them on her tick tok which I had found and I looked at the comments and all from girls like 🔥🔥🔥, you’re beautiful etc. I have spoken to her a lot and I don’t think she is being groomed. I was groomed as a 13 / 14 yr old by a 28 yr old man so I have major insecurity about this on always been on high alert because of it.

Sounds like she's become peer orientated.

I am sorry to hear that, how dreadful. I think it's important though that you do refer it to the SL, though .You don't fully know what she's been accessing, or what lead to this.

Will the school help if this isn't school related?

Yes they will. It's a safeguarding issue and is of very serious concern.

Teach skills, yes, but 12 is just too young to manage a smartphone. At this age, you teach them to ride a bike, not give them the keys to your Ford Ranger. And if the kid is determined to get around checking messages, they will.

And yes, they will use friend's phones. But that's still entirely different to having their own.

I feel for you OP. I have a DD of same age, and even though her behaviour is not so concerning (it's more hours of mindless scrolling), she has also bypassed any controls I have put in place. I seem to spend my life setting up 20 mins per day max, but within a few days the restriction has ever gone altogether, or it has stopping 'blocking at end of screentime', which mean they can get '5 more minutes' for hours. I was told that iphone controls are notoriously easy to get around, and Android are better? (could be true, we have iphones).
In your DD's case, I would definitely switch to a Nokia, or no phone (my DD has refused to use the Nokia). And I think the sexualised behaviour is deeply concerning. I would speak to the school and potentially the boyfriend's mother (if he is also 12?). She is definitely going off the rails, and is vulnerable.

Set some limits - you are the parent here. Nokia or nothing.

If your daughter is "getting round" the controls you put in place she is not respecting your boundaries and rules. Either remove the phone, or remove the WiFi. Take action.
Actions and disrespect have consequences.

Hours of mindless scrolling is very detrimental to self esteem and concentration

She is refusing the Nokia too so it’s nothing now! My DD the same, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve changed the screen time password and my Apple ID password.
She is on Day 3 now of no phone and slowly starting to talk more, saying ‘love you’ again and less attitude. We’ve also not had any more behaviour points in school. We go on holiday next week and won’t be taking the phone but said she can take the iPad to watch something on the plane but I’ve disabled the face time, messages and there’s no social media on it (you tube and Pinterest though). Be interesting to see if this holiday will go better than the last one where she wanted to sit under a towel for most of it and go back to the room on her own!

How long is the flight? Couldn't she read a book or do puzzles, or play a game with you?

No, don't take the ipad on holiday, you are setting her up to fail, and the both of you up for fights. She'll just be jonesing for the thing the whole time, and she'll get around the restrictions. She will survive a flight without a damn screen. She can take a book.

Exactly. This needs to be a screen free holiday.

Also, don't expect this holiday to be a holiday for you. This an opportunity for you to act and prevent her from going off the rails. Talk to her, get her doing active things, do non screen things that she shows an interest in.