AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

I don’t understand why you are ignoring the fact that you felt that something was “off” with him?

I have had ONS and random Dates etc but if I’m going into something serious I need to check the person out.

What time is your call,

Nope I realise now that it didn’t feel right introducing somebody to
my children that I didn’t know. That was all it was as my negative feelings have gone now.

If more women did this perhaps there would be fewer assaults and murders for the police to deal with, using far more resources than some admin time making checks and call backs.

No it isn't.

https://www.justicedirectory.co.uk/blog/clares-law-uk-your-comprehensive-guide-to-domestic-abuse-disclosure

"Who Can Use Clare's Law? Eligibility and Relationships"

" The scheme is specifically intended for those who are in, or are considering entering, a relationship with someone who may have a history of domestic violence or abuse. This includes:

• Current Partners: Individuals in an ongoing romantic relationship with someone they suspect has an abusive past."

It is for when you have a reason. It is not a free for all criminal check on anyone you might want to start a relationship with.

The expectation is actually that people will end a relationship if they have concerns.

It's not really there to just check everyone you date. It's not a quick look up on the computer. It's a background check that the person being enquired about hasn't consented to.

So, when we enquired, we had to give a valid reason for doing so. I don't know about Claire's Law. Did you? What did you say?

I am curious about one thing, before the disclosure was made to us, the person was contacted, told that an enquiry had been made and that a disclosure would be made as a result. Is that the same under Claire's Law?

Don’t be a dick.

It absolutely is a free vetting service for ANY woman who has concerns in a relationship, or any woman who is entering a relationship with concerns and has children that she is prioritising and protecting.

How long have you been dating this person? So long you know that even if he is a DV abuser he may not been reported before. I would said do not worry about having that meeting you did the right thing, it is what is there for.

It’s a great thing sure, but it can’t tell you if he’s ever been abusive or controlling or violent or a sex offender even. It just tells you he hasn’t been caught or his previous partners were too scared to go to the police. I think it’s important people remember that and don’t assume a ‘nothing to disclose’ result means the person is safe. If your gut is telling you there’s something off listen to it, it’s there for a reason. It’s good he’s toned down his clinginess but he’s ‘masking’ now to keep you happy. The reality is that clingy is who he is and he won’t be able to keep up ‘masking’ forever. The mask will slip when he gets more comfortable with you and he’ll become clingy again, which leads to controlling and jealous behaviour. I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who I didn’t 100% feel I could trust

You can’t trust anybody 100% and no I wouldn’t just do it for anybody but somebody I was introducing to
my kids absolutely

I think you did the right thing, you wanted to be better safe than sorry not only for yourself but also for your children, as you should. I’m sure SS won’t have any issues with that. I’m glad that it all worked out ok. Enjoy your relationship if it feels right!

I'm glad you feel reassured. I'm just going to leave you with this.

I work in a regulated profession that requires us to have enhanced DBS clearance. These checks are really just the equivalent of these.

Every single one of us is aware though that it only guarantees we and our colleagues have never been convicted of anything.

Every doctor, teacher, nurse, etc who has been found guilty of a sexual or violent offence in recent years has also had a clean enhanced DBS certificate and no (relevant) criminal record.

This doesn't guarantee he is any more safe than he was before you had the call. It only means they have nothing on record for him.

Don't be so reassured by the 'nothing to disclose' that you stop using your own instincts.

That's all.

RTFT

I think you are being so naive, OP. You clearly said that something about him felt “off”, you seem to now being willing to ignore that, despite the fact that all you now know is that he has never been reported to the police.

You would have had to share your concerns when making a request under Clare’s Law. What concern was it that you shared?

You can’t just brush this under the carpet. Depending on what concern it was that you shared with the police, SS will want to talk to you about it.

I agree.

It's interesting that the OP is focusing now on him being safe around her children.

Yet, she didn't do a Sarah's Law check on him.

Which is the one that could arguably be more relevant to her children's direct and personal safety.

If I was being naive I wouldn’t have done it

Any of those convictions would have been picked up? They aren’t just going to choose not to disclose to me that he is a sex offender and let me get on with my day

Hi OP

Glad you got the reassurance you needed today and I agree with the PPs who have said it was a good thing that you listened to your gut and requested the disclosure.

If SS do ask you questions, from my (indirect but close) experience I would be confident that they would see you as what they call a "protective factor", as you sought the disclosure to ensure the safety of your children.

I can see why some posters are confused by your stance on things, saying that he has done "nothing wrong". He obviously did do something, because that was what prompted you to request the disclosure. You would have had to justify this to the police when you requested it (as there has to be a reason, otherwise it would be a huge drain on their resources) so it's a little disinenguous to now be minimising the concerns you had at the beginning of the relationship.

It sounds like you feel that you can move forward from here - and that you can positively advocate for yourself and your children if his behaviour begins to feel stifling again. It might be that he has relaxed his clinginess, or it may also be that you have adjusted your behaviour in ways that doesn't set him off anymore. It's a very new relationship and hopefully you will keep you eyes open and your wits about you.

You're being the very opposite of cautious! Being cautious would have meant dumping him much earlier.

You are ignoring the concerns that you had that made you feel like something was “off”.

You appear to be trying to pretend that you did this purely as a routine check. But that’s not what you said earlier in the thread and you have to have a concern to make a Clare’s Law request and would have had to share that with the police.

The fact that you are now minimising this is really concerning. Listen to what your gut was telling you and take steps to protect your children.

I will make my own decision, he admits he was clingy in the beginning and it’s like he needed constant reassurance. He doesn’t do that now that I addressed it he was just very insecure and I’ve never experienced that before. I didn’t what I thought was right and I will do going forward.

I said naive not cautious

No said cautious OP - the poster was quoting you!

But she responded from the naive post?