AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

@Justpickitup just keep your wits about you, i think that's what posters are trying to say. Many have seen this type of clingy behaviour and what it can turn into. I would ask yourself whether youd be ok with your daughter dating this man.

My now ex had been in some sort of court ordered anger programme so he told me later that I had to speak to them. I had no clue about this till he told me, we hadnt been dating long. The woman explained the case he'd been involved in, and I feel she was trying to warn me off subtly. Stupid naive me just fell for his stories that he'd not wanted his ex to go to court/suffer so he did the programme. To cut a long story short, he took that anger out on me when he had gotten entwined in my life and it was terrifying. I wish id walked away at the time.

Also suggest some basic due diligence via internet searches of their name and locations they say they’ve lived or places they’ve worked, with words like ‘abuse’, ‘attack’, ‘complain’, ‘crime’, ‘police’, ‘court’, ’order’. Harder if they have a common name.

And hold of introducing a stranger from online to DC for as long as possible and not until you’ve met their family and friends a few times.

Brilliantly stated - I agree 100%

Exactly. And yet you have seen this man behave in a scary way, and decided that's fine? You're doing exactly what you say - putting yourself in a position where it's going to be too late.

Yes.

I haven't seen a SINGLE person say she shouldn't have requested the disclosure? If there was the odd one I've missed then fair enough - but you seem to have read a completely different thread?!

There’s loads that have said that .. or at least implied it. Maybe you have read a completely different thread 🤔

No, this is batshit:

"or at least implied it"

Were you following this thread yesterday? Have you RTFT? The OP has had loads of support - and because she started off by saying she had a bad feeling about his clingy behaviour, many people said it was a good thing she did, as she listened to her gut.

Are you trying to start an argument?! How odd.

The OP seems to be responding to people warning about her boyfriend's behaviour as though they are criticising her for doing the request. I think that's just cope, tbh. She is overriding her gut instinct on the basis that there's no evidence of him committing a crime.

To be absolutely clear, there's nothing wrong with doing a Clare's Law request. But OP initially said it was because his behaviour was controlling and she was worried it might be dangerous to break up with him. But now she's been reassured that he isn't a criminal, she is happy to ignore the behaviour that scared her in the first place and triggered making the request.

I think most pp are simply saying, listen to your own instincts, protect yourself and your kids. Not that she shouldn't have done the request, but that it's not enough, it hasn't made them safe.

Hahaha starting an argument 🤔🤣

I agree with OP’s actions. But if you read the thread correctly, you will see loads of posters have berated her for making the application. It’s odd that you haven't seen a SINGLE person say this.

There's always one.

Yes, you …

A good number of posters told OP she shouldn't use Claire's law as a blanket screening on anyone she's dating and she shouldn't have done a Claire's law if she wasn't prepared to break up with him even though nothing was shared.

Correct. I was responding to this:

The batshittery of posters telling OP that she shouldn’t have done the Clare’s Law request.

What you have said there and what I was replying to are different things.

It would be pity if this kind of nitpicking was going to derail the thread into something it didn't need to be. It's a serious discussion and there is no need for it from grown adults.

I read this thread the other day and what stuck out to me was the OP saying that in future relationships she will use claires law.
So it means OP isn't seeing this person as long term. So it really is an abuse of power if you dont see your partner as a long time relationship

I did this. They came to my house to tell me in person. I had to sign a non disclosure. It made real what he'd already told me, but in more detail. But having the police tell you is different. I ended it straight away and blocked him. It was tough because it was going so well, but in hindsight he was totally love bombing me, talking about cars and houses, when he didn't even drive. I asked myself what advice would I give to a friend, and since it'd only been a few weeks, I ended it. I asked for the disclosure because he kept talking about meeting my kids and going on family holidays, and taking them to give me a break. Seemed too much so early on. That was the red flag for me. I totally missed the love bombing at the time. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

@FrogLion are you able to tell us what the police said about the man? For example, is it convictions or just police reports that people have made against him for say stalking or DV?

Im so glad you ended it. Talking about taking your children to give you a break weeks in is horrifying.

They told he was arrested for hurting someone, and read out what he'd done, but not charged. They couldn't tell me if it male or female, but the city told me enough to put the pieces together that it was likely his ex.

The police told me it's not used enough, they want people to use it more. Family or friends can use it for anyone they're worried about. I'm in Scotland so it's called a disclosure up here. It combine Claire's and Sarah's laws. It's better to do it earlier as it's easier to get out. That's my advice anyway. I think they only need a name and address.