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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

420 replies

Justpickitup · 11/05/2026 16:14

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

OP posts:
TheRealShatParp · 12/05/2026 12:32

YourWildAmberSloth · 12/05/2026 09:00

The biggest problem with Clare's law is that it as soon as it comes back as negative, women who were rightly concerned by partner behaviour, suddenly dismiss the warning signs and thing he must be okay. Clare's law only works if the perpetrator has been reported. Some women will just end the relationship and say nothing. Also every dangerous man has a first victim. OP you have children, don't downplay your gut feeling. Even though nothing has been disclosed - there was something significantly off about the way he behaved that made you do the application in the first place (we shouldn't normalise this - Clare's law is important, but something is clearly wrong if a woman feels the need to use it). Your gut is telling you that something is off, don't let the fact that he hasn't been reported yet, fool you into thinking that its all fine.

Completely agree! It has the potential to give people a false sense of security.

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 12:38

Scandalicious · 12/05/2026 12:26

I do see what you are saying but there is no official expectation to end the relationship rather than do a check, and it’s there for anyone who has an instinct something is wrong. For many that instinct would be enough to end things, but if for OP it isn’t then she is probably the kind of person who should check.

My concern is that a lack of a record doesn’t mean these instincts were off, I know you said you will still be careful OP but please be really cautious as these gut feelings don’t come from nowhere.

I agree with the expectation thing - I don't think it would be reasonable for any involved agencies to expect the woman to end the relationship based on their gut feelings alone. It's more about empowering the woman to have the full information - and sometimes, there isn't any information to share.

I guess it's a sliding scale. Some people like the OP will request disclosure based on their gut feelings (in this case about her new partner's OTT clinginess). There is nothing to go on and she has said that she will remain vigilant - although there are unanswered questions about what that will look like.

On the other hand, I've been in safeguarding meetings where the woman was absolutely refusing to listen to any of the professionals involved when they were urging her to get a disclosure, because she was in complete denial. I've heard of men strangling pet rabbits, throwing cats against the wall and locking ex partners in cupboards. One threw a puppy over a stairgate with such force that its leg had to be amputated. In all of these cases, the women were in complete and utter denial. DA is a very complex area for authorities to deal with and it's really sad.

StressedLP1 · 12/05/2026 12:41

If having doubts about someone and requesting police disclosure = must end the relationship (even if there is nothing to disclose) then you may as we’ll get rid of Clare’s law entirely and just have: have doubts about someone = must end relationship.

IMightNotGoToWorkTodayIMightNotGoAgainTomorrow · 12/05/2026 12:43

Scandalicious · 12/05/2026 12:26

I do see what you are saying but there is no official expectation to end the relationship rather than do a check, and it’s there for anyone who has an instinct something is wrong. For many that instinct would be enough to end things, but if for OP it isn’t then she is probably the kind of person who should check.

My concern is that a lack of a record doesn’t mean these instincts were off, I know you said you will still be careful OP but please be really cautious as these gut feelings don’t come from nowhere.

No, of course there isn't an official expectation because the state doesn't interfere in our lives to that degree! (Not yet, anyway 😉)

But it's a reasonable human expectation that, if you feel uncomfortable around someone, they set your spidey senses off a-tingling, you have reasonable enough doubts about someone to suspect they might have a history of DV, then self preservation instincts would dictate that most people would naturally distance themselves from that person.

For many that instinct would be enough to end things, but if for OP it isn’t then she is probably the kind of person who should check.

Totally agree, which brings us right back to the start of the thread where the OP was questioning social services being notified.

Not ending a new relationship because your instincts didn't result in you automatically acting to protect yourself or your children, suggests a degree of vulnerability (which could be a result of many things!) and so that is why SS would need to just check a person's capacity for recognising future risk and further protecting themselves and their children.

As an aside, there are so many threads on MN where posters with no knowledge of the process tell an OP to 'do a Clare's Law check' on someone that I think some people regard it as little more than popping into your local police station and asking them to do a quick check on the PNC.

I think this has created a misunderstanding and people don't realise that what they're actually doing is initiating a legal process which involves both the police and social services and will be seen through to its natural conclusion however brief, long or potentially intrusive or whatever the outcome might be.

user1464187087 · 12/05/2026 12:46

Waitingforthesunnydays · 12/05/2026 09:40

It’s a great thing sure, but it can’t tell you if he’s ever been abusive or controlling or violent or a sex offender even. It just tells you he hasn’t been caught or his previous partners were too scared to go to the police. I think it’s important people remember that and don’t assume a ‘nothing to disclose’ result means the person is safe. If your gut is telling you there’s something off listen to it, it’s there for a reason. It’s good he’s toned down his clinginess but he’s ‘masking’ now to keep you happy. The reality is that clingy is who he is and he won’t be able to keep up ‘masking’ forever. The mask will slip when he gets more comfortable with you and he’ll become clingy again, which leads to controlling and jealous behaviour. I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who I didn’t 100% feel I could trust

Or shock horror, he may just be a decent bloke.
He may have never commited a crime DV or otherwise.

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 12:52

I wish people wouldn’t use Claire’s Law as a personal dating screening service.

If he ever needs police certificates or a SAR for clearances or immigration purposes, this will absolutely show up on there, and he will find himself having to answer some difficult and imposing questions.

It’s unfair to someone who hasn’t done anything wrong.

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 12:55

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 12:52

I wish people wouldn’t use Claire’s Law as a personal dating screening service.

If he ever needs police certificates or a SAR for clearances or immigration purposes, this will absolutely show up on there, and he will find himself having to answer some difficult and imposing questions.

It’s unfair to someone who hasn’t done anything wrong.

that is so not true

OP posts:
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 12:55

If it is confidential how the hell can they hold it against him?

OP posts:
IMightNotGoToWorkTodayIMightNotGoAgainTomorrow · 12/05/2026 12:57

user1464187087 · 12/05/2026 12:46

Or shock horror, he may just be a decent bloke.
He may have never commited a crime DV or otherwise.

Maybe. But all the OP knows now is that he's never been convicted of a crime of DV (not ' or otherwise', though. It wouldn't reveal other offences because they'd be none of her business).

All people have done is point out to the OP that she felt she had reason enough to enquire in the first place and to try to make sure she understands that nothing to disclose doesn't mean he's never committed a crime or act of DV. Just that he's never been reported for or convicted of one. And yes, that might be because he's never committed one but it might also be because he hasn't been reported.

As long as she understands that, it's all good.

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 12:58

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 12:52

I wish people wouldn’t use Claire’s Law as a personal dating screening service.

If he ever needs police certificates or a SAR for clearances or immigration purposes, this will absolutely show up on there, and he will find himself having to answer some difficult and imposing questions.

It’s unfair to someone who hasn’t done anything wrong.

It's definitely not something that should be done casually, no - and the system rightly shouldn't be abused. Hopefully there are measures in place to safeguard against that.

However, the problem with coercive and controlling behaviour is that it can present in different ways. We have all had times when we look back and know we should have listened to our guts. When there are children involved, the risk needs to be managed.

It's a delicate balancing act and hopefully the police are explaining the process to each requester, so that they understand it before choosing whether or not to proceed.

Pinklombada · 12/05/2026 12:59

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 12:52

I wish people wouldn’t use Claire’s Law as a personal dating screening service.

If he ever needs police certificates or a SAR for clearances or immigration purposes, this will absolutely show up on there, and he will find himself having to answer some difficult and imposing questions.

It’s unfair to someone who hasn’t done anything wrong.

Better women die at the hands of abusers than a man have to answer an awkward question from an immigration officer, eh?

And anyway - a SAR would only inform him of a check having been carried out, not others, snd a Claire’s law check doesn’t show up on standard employment DBS checks or ACRO police certificates.

bittertwisted · 12/05/2026 13:00

IMightNotGoToWorkTodayIMightNotGoAgainTomorrow · 12/05/2026 12:11

We were theoretically allowed to discuss the Sarah's Law disclosure with the two people who were already aware of it prior to disclosure and who had been made aware that a disclosure was being made. But no one else.

If someone received nothing to disclose and then shared that with the person they'd enquired about, that person would already know there was nothing to disclose.

If a disclosure is made under Sarah's Law, the person is informed that an enquiry has been made and that a disclosure will he made and the nature of that disclosure.

I'd be curious as to whether the same was true of Clare's Law? I'd suspect not due to increased risk of violence.

Gosh now I’m confusing the 2. Claire’s law absolutely not allowed to tell anyone. The disclosure is based on the premise that it is balancing the risk of harm to the requestor against the right to privacy of the subject

when you have a DBS you consent to your data being shared for intended purpose, there is no consent with a Claire’s law disclosure, and you agree not to share the disclosure request or outcome

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:00

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 12:55

that is so not true

It’s absolutely true. If he was to submit a Subject Access Request it would show that a Clare’s Law application was made against him. It wouldn’t show what was disclosed as part of that process, but it would show that an application was made.

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:02

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:00

It’s absolutely true. If he was to submit a Subject Access Request it would show that a Clare’s Law application was made against him. It wouldn’t show what was disclosed as part of that process, but it would show that an application was made.

And?

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:04

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 12:55

If it is confidential how the hell can they hold it against him?

Were you given the contact details of anyone that you met with this morning? As you've said upthread that you are thinking of mentioning it to him, it would be worth you checking with the police first, as to whether you are permitted to say anything about it. I don't know for sure but it rings a bell that the person in question is not supposed to be informed.

Celticgold · 12/05/2026 13:05

If your gut is telling you something is off I would trust it 100%. Move on you must be wary by doing what you have done.

BlueberryMill · 12/05/2026 13:05

OP did absolutely the right thing to protect her children and no one should be trying to guilt her about it

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:05

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:02

And?

AND my entire point is that the process shouldn’t be used causally, as a dating screening service.

It can have real consequences.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship that ended up with him receiving a custodial sentence, and I understand the importance of being safe and using your discernment, but it’s wrong to use the service to simply get the green light to go ahead with a new partner.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 12/05/2026 13:06
Donald Trump GIF by Backhaus Verlag

Fucking hell, some of you on this thread 🤢

Claire's Law is there to protect women who are dating men??

Well done OP - youve done the right thing and are protecting your children and yourself.

Noone has an issue with credit checks and DBS checks - but they have a problem with something that protects and gives women agency - theres a word for someone like that 🤔🤔🤔

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:07

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:05

AND my entire point is that the process shouldn’t be used causally, as a dating screening service.

It can have real consequences.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship that ended up with him receiving a custodial sentence, and I understand the importance of being safe and using your discernment, but it’s wrong to use the service to simply get the green light to go ahead with a new partner.

I agree with you completely. I don't think this is what the OP did,so perhaps you're making the point more generally?

Sorry that you've been through that and hoping life is looking better for you now.

bittertwisted · 12/05/2026 13:07

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:02

And?

Do you have any understanding of the law? You can say ‘so’ all you like, but it’s not how it works

IMightNotGoToWorkTodayIMightNotGoAgainTomorrow · 12/05/2026 13:07

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 12:55

that is so not true

It's not untrue.

The fact an enquiry was made is recorded. In theory, it could show up on an enhanced DBS check if the local Chief Police Officer felt it was relevant to the role being applied for for which the enhanced DBS was necessary. It would be discretionary.

Whether it actually affected someone would be a different matter though. Probably not if there was nothing to disclose which would show up on a check anyway but it might raise questions as to what caused someone to make the enquiry.

BlueberryMill · 12/05/2026 13:09

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:05

AND my entire point is that the process shouldn’t be used causally, as a dating screening service.

It can have real consequences.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship that ended up with him receiving a custodial sentence, and I understand the importance of being safe and using your discernment, but it’s wrong to use the service to simply get the green light to go ahead with a new partner.

She used it in exactly the way it is supposed to be used. She had concerns about his behaviour. It came back clear but she didn't know that beforehand which is why she did it. You don't have to wait til they get violent before using it.
I hope no one reading this is put off using it by you

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:10

Yes absolutely if women were checking everybody they crossed paths with would be ridiculous but if somebody is considering a long term relationship with somebody new that involved children they should absolutely check a persons background, I think it is a responsible and proactive thing to do

OP posts:
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:11

I used it because when I asked for some space he didn’t like it and was constantly messaging me, it was probably because he really wanted to make it work but I had to check

OP posts: