AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

Of more people treated adulterer’s like this, maybe it wouldn’t happen as often.

I mean, if she treats the man she loves like that how are friends supposed to trust her. I’d be dropping her.

TBF OPs AIBU was about whether she's unreasonable to be shocked, not concerned. It is daft to be surprised about people siding with the person they have more loyalty to in this situation.

For the same reason, nobody's slagging OP off for focusing more on her sister's welfare than her presumably devastated BIL.

Yeah I wouldn’t be friends with someone who had an affair either, our values and priorities wouldn’t align so I’d give up the friendship.

Literally FAFO.
They were not her friends in the first place, they were his.
Can she move back?

I don’t care if someone has an affair though. If they are “moral” or not. It wouldn’t, and hasn’t changed my friendship.

I am still good friends with my ex husband, and his wife, the one he left me for! Life is short.

Tar and feather them too, maybe? Or just the stocks for a day?

They may well have been close but she has also been deceiving them - I think their reaction is understandable.
Can your sister move back to her home town for a fresh start or are children also involved?

You're free to make that decision. Other people are more picky about who they wish to spend time with.

Some will be showing solidarity with him. But there will also be the feeling of I don’t want a woman like that around my husband and they’ll be freezing her out because of that

How can you be so naive? They're his friends. She treated him badly.

I am never defending OWs/OMs but frequently get accused of it on MN for daring to suggest that having an affair is not the worst thing someone could do. I don’t say this just on point of principle but because of the complex and individual circumstances of marriages/relationships.
Im married and I’ve never cheated just to add. But I wouldn’t care if my husband cheated (and I suspect he actually is at the moment, with a mutual friend, my “ best” friend). Thats because our relationship is completely and utterly sour for many (serious) reasons.
I can’t (yet) leave for serious reasons.
If he cheated to make himself feel better I don’t care any more.
I don’t plan on cheating. I can’t promise myself any more that I won’t.

But I suppose I think of “moral” absolutes like “”cheating is always wrong” as standards I can apply (or not) to myself, not to others. I would feel I wronged myself by, for instance, having sex with a married man (not husband).
and all my life I’ve held I’d never do that. Don’t ever intend to because I wouldn’t want to be the cause of unhappiness for someone else.

The sister in this scenario.., selfish etc. Sure. But it’s not like she’s done some things I’d view as far worse (harming a child, neglecting a child, denying a child medical care, harming an animal, hurting a dementia patient etc ad infinitum).

I know it’s a natural response to think I’d never be friends with someone who had an affair (if you knew). I had a friend (not mega close) from uni whose wedding I attended. He had an affair while she was pregnant. I was absolutely horrified- I knew them both (they were young and not long of uni). He married the affair partner and had a child - I’m friends with all of them. He can talk more openly about it now - at the time he took everything people had to say to him and absorbed it. They are all friends with each other too!

I don’t think it’s surprising the OP’s sister is “dumped”, and without knowing the circumstances maybe she deserves some of it, maybe not.

Not all marriages are worth saving or staying in!

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone capable of an affair... so yes I think you're being unreasonable.

You gotta be joking.

she met all of them through him!!! What did she expect? He was their friend first

Mmm I think this is it. She's a person who betrayed someone she loved, so would she do the same to others she cares about? Understandable that friends might make that calculation.

It's always a good idea to make friends in your own right, even if she had been the innocent party in the split there is a good chance they would have lost contact with her if they were his friends first. I am not surprised you are worried about your sister, I don't like cheaters but it's kind of sad that she is in a new place with absolutely no friends.

Yes, I’m free to find it all a bit sad.

Yes, people who treat their wives or husbands with such utter contempt by having affairs are indeed sad.

I’m the same as you.

My ex husband had an affair, poor me from the outside, but actually, the marriage wasn’t brilliant.

I would have been the one “losing respect” for any of our friends that ditched him. You never really have any idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Well, in the same way that your first concern is for your sister, so her DH’s friends’ first concern is for him. Never mind the rights and wrongs of the situation, that’s how a lot of people would feel.

The clue is in the fact that all of her friends are through him. I’m sure they like her but when asked to take a side (because there are very few who will be able to do both) they will of course support the husband.. and their husbands are supporting him and once again - incredibly hard in a marriage for one half of a marriage to support one and the other to support the other. That affects their own relationships!

Yes of course she could do with sone support but highly unlikely it’s going to come from people that have been friends with her husband for years. They will feel hurt too. They will have accepted your sister into their group as they love her husband.

I suggest she seeks support from friends that have known her for years and who are not connected to her DH even if that’s more on line or over the phone.

I find that strange tbh. It's not just about affairs, there are many things that will cloud a persons view of someone - whether they are a friend or not, even family. My brother had an affair (actually he had a few), I love him but lost respect for him. I have a good friend, who had abandoned his wife and child for his affair partner (hasn't seen his son for 5 years), then left his affair partner when pregnant for someone else, I can't respect him and even though we are still officially friends, I don't see him in the same light.

The problem with these things is that she just showed the entire group she’s a dishonest person. If she had an affair with whoever else, who’s to say she wouldn’t have an affair with any of these friends partners?

My SIL’s best friend has cheated on her now husband and as far as i know it was a one off, but… was it?

Another person, a friend of my brother, has been the OW to someone for almost a decade now. She introduces him as her boyfriend, I had no idea he was married until recently. It then leaked into the remaining of their friendship group and now all woman are very cold with her and she’s very sad, but also… can anyone blame them?

We are all different.

I wouldn’t drop someone for an affair. I don’t finding it shocking and it’s none of my business.

This.
Its always wise to choose carefully who your true friends are.

It’s definitely a question of quality friendships not quantity.