AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

Women don’t always have to be that amazing for a man to sleep with her.

if we are being honest, my money is on the husband being abusive financially and/or physically.

I think the truth of the matter will be more along the lines of the poor woman who is now isolated from all her friends at the hands of a manipulative/abusive man who forced her into the arms of someone who gave her a crumb of the affection she should have been getting in the first place. That is abuse.

WTF? Absolutely nothing the OP has said suggests that her sister's husband was abusive in any way. All she has said is that he's devastated at being cheated on and has started divorce proceedings. How does that make him abusive?

There really is no end to the double standards on MN!

Yes - maintaining an affair requires so much betrayal (and usually at least some gaslighting) that it easily reaches the threshold for emotional abuse.

Who said she cheated with a married man or have I missed an update?

A quick google will show that cheating is now seen as abusive behaviour, not a ‘personal relationship’ issue. There are plenty of charities and psychologists recognising it as such and discussing the removal of sexual consent, the removal of personal agency, the putting the betrayed at risk of STIs etc etc as abusive behaviours. It’s very clearly out there, not just being discussed on men!

They’re not big on human frailty on MN. But the truth of that frailty is that your friends will accept it when you have an affair (though they may share some painful home truths about you fucking up your life or the children’s lives); but affairs are very seldom surprises to the “real” friends of the people who have them. It’s very sad because it sounds like your sister fell into a trap that many women do; your “couple friends,” ESPECIALLY if they were your DH’s friends first, will not support you if an affair comes to light. I appreciate you’re trying to support your sister, @Yogarunningcoffee , and affairs are always desperately sad for everyone involved.

Marital problems have nothing to do with anyone else. I guess others just like a bit of distance drama to thrash over. Deflects from their own issues I suppose. 🙄

Wow. I haven't had an affair. But I could very very very easily have done. I was deeply unhappy in my marriage and tried for years to make things work. Someone came along who actually seemed to really like me and fancy me which felt amazing. I was so starved of happiness at that point.

For me it was a huge wake up call to end my marriage. Absolutely everyone was shocked. Friends and family had no idea how bad things had been for me for so long because I put a lot of energy into just keeping going, try to maintain a happy home, full time job etc...

A big part of me deciding to end my marriage was knowing that my children were not being brought up in a loving healthy relationship and that I had an absolutely rock solid relationship with them and that we would be fine. If I didn't and I didn't have that faith that I we would somehow be alright I am not sure I would have done it.

Anyway. Things are very very often not what they seem from the outside. It is quite likely that your sister was very unhappy for a long time. Of course she should have ended her marriage first but it really isn't always that simple.

And in my case, because I had hidden everything so well for so many years, nobody had a clue what I had been putting up with so definitely saw my husband as the poor guy victim in all of this. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Men don't have to be that amazing for women to sleep with them, either, as is abundantly clear from any thread about relationships on Mumsnet.

I think we can read between the lines thank you. Not that anybody would need to guess mind you, abusive jerkface forces wife into the arms of another man is a tale as old as time. And so is the subsequent isolation of her friends.

This woman needs to get her sister away from this toxic situation fast.

Unfortunately, they aren’t her friends, so they will gravitate more towards him as their own partners are his friends. This is a danger of not having an independent life and separate friendships - when the shit hits the fan, whoever is at fault, friends will side with him.

lol if this is even true….youre being unreasonable. They are his people, perhaps your sister should have kept her knickers up had she been worried about losing friends.

@Yogarunningcoffee I totally understand you feeling very concerned about your sister, who finds herself now very isolated. I would be the same in your shoes. Although you will get loads of posters on here who will not understand why you feel that way at all and will want to stick the knife in her and possibly you for caring about her.

I have said that you are being unreasonable though to be shocked that all her friends have completely frozen her out, following the discovery of the affair. You said that all her friends were basically made through her poor husband and it is absolutely to be expected, that they will be rallying around him, as he struggles to deal with the fall out from this.

I have no idea, what the relationship between your sister and her husband was like before the affair started, so I'm not going to judge here whether your sister was completely at fault, or not. There may have been very good reasons for what has happened. Nevertheless, on the outside, she will be seen as the one 100% at fault and friends will rally round the one perceived to be the victim of her behaviour. She may well be 100% at fault here in any case.

All you can do is be on the other end of the phone if she needs to talk.

This may be the stupidest thing I have ever read on MN.

OP I'm glad your sister has you for support but I'd say a move will definitely have to be on the cards

A divorced woman is not invited to ‘couple’ group nights even when she was the ‘innocent’ party and they were her ‘friends’, incase the infection spread with their husbands, (which some do try).

affairs are always desperately sad for everyone involved.

I really don't think that's true. Do you really think men who sleep with married women sit around feeling desperately sad about it? And I've read posts on women on here who admit they had affairs with married men and, to their embarrassment, didn't even think about the wives at all.

I’m not surprised, as they were his friends first. Plus, many people feel they must choose sides or they will be disloyal. When friends of mine divorced (not for this reason) I chose to remain friends with both. Relationships are complicated, but it had NOTHING to do with me. It did not mean in any way that I approved of bad behaviour on either side. And I told them so. I still valued them, even if they made catastrophic choices. People do. Of course, each of them wanted me to choose. But unless actual abuse is involved, NO. It’s not my job to punish them for what looks like poor choices. If children were affected, I might feel differently. Mumsnetters can be so black and white, so either/or, very seldom, yes/and. I know this will be an unpopular post. I’m okay with that.

Just what I was going to say

She's made her bed and she has to take responsibility.. if they were his friends first they will rally with him. Why should they support her at all ? Why would they want to given she could be eyeing up their husbands next? Tell her to grow up and take accountability ffs

Widowed women aren’t invited either. I find that very cruel. Your friends need support, not to have their entire social life to disappear. Either they’re your friends or not. Couplehood shouldn’t be a requirement. I’ve been married for 40 years. I love my single friends no less than the couples. Shame on you.

Your sister did not consider the most probable response by others before undertaking unfaithfulness. This lack of ability to extrapolate probable outcomes for an action must run in the family because you are surprised her friends aren't sticking with her.

Her friends, however, did extrapolate the probable outcomes of allowing her close to their spouses; she was out of the club the second her pants came off.

If she had initiated a divorce prior to hooking up she could have shagged whomever she wanted to and kept most of those friends, as long as she was hunting in grounds far away from their husbands.

Thinking about probable outcomes and how to sway opinion is an actual science. I recommend for her new life she study statistics and probabilities. It's an easy math. Those jobs can pay very well and she now has practical experience in what happens when someone does not know probabilities.

This... with bells and whistles !

I’d love this to be true, but currently a couple in our social group is going through this, and it is very much being made an issue for the rest of us. Can’t vent incase either of them are on here, but I’ve been so surprised. Never thought it would be like this and I can see now why people say they lose friends during a divorce.

She’s a grown up- surely she realised actions have consequences ?

So if a woman posted here that she was devastated that her husband had cheated on her and she was filing for divorce, and that their friends were siding with her over him, you'd accuse her of abusing him and tell her it was her own fault he'd cheated? And you'd justify it by claiming you'd read between the lines?