AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

This is the reality of the situation.

In balance, my exDH had an affair and my friends blanked him (he assumed they would remain his friends too). They supported me and was furious with him. I never asked them to, but gosh I was glad they did.

Friends from his background sort of remained contact but, were not impressed and didn’t want the drama, so eventually they fizzled out too.

Also, and this affects both parties, some friends feel single people can be a threat and you can both find invites drying up a little or people clamping their other halves to their sides, sometimes, but does happen.

OP said nothing about anyone being expected to welcome the affair partner into the group. That’s a whole different issue.

if one of my friends had an affair and kept it from everyone, I would be wondering how trustworthy she was as a friend… because let’s face it she’d been sneaking around behind my back as well as her husbands! I wouldn’t just ditch her if she had no one else, but I’d 100% feel differently towards her.
If one of my husbands friends wives cheated on my husbands mate, I think in order to be respectful to my husband and to give the signal I don’t think cheating is ok, I’d obviously cut that woman loose!
I think by still seeing her and giving her sympathy you’re saying you don’t think cheating is wrong…

How do you know it was someone else’s husband? OP didn’t say that.

I hope your sister has support from someone. We all make mistakes.

Well he is the wounded party, I’d also drop her like a hot potato 🥔

Mumsnetters acting like this woman cheated on THEM. Completely ignorant of any context. Maybe he beat her for all you know. Or emotionally abused her. Whatever her reasons, it has exactly NOTHING to do with you. She may deeply regret it. She may not. Some people on here go out of their way to wallow in self-righteousness.

Unfortunately she’s learned they were never really her friends to begin with and most people will drop you as quick as they pick you up.

So what's happened with the guy she was seeing? Is he back in the fold? Was he too connected to the friend group?

Other than that, I'm sorry OP. It's looking fairly unanimous that loyalties lie with her husband. I'm sure that you are very worried about her. Just keep in touch.

Imaginative, but irrelevant. What if he’d had sex with sheep? FFS. And also, how do you know that he didn’t have sex with her sister?Or with her granny? So little information about this situation is available. But it apparently doesn’t take much for people to construct self-serving fantasies.

Affairs hurt so many people, so badly.

I admire you for being strong and keeping this quiet to protect your children. Frankly, it’s nobody else’s business. I might confide in my two closest friends for emotional support. But I wouldn’t want to have to answer endless questions and deal with outside attitudes. Good for you.

If they were his friends initially then it stands to reason they are going to side with him if someone has done the dirty on him, I’m not sure who you would expect them to be all over your sister when she’s cheated on their friend.

They have been friends with her dh longer than she has. Of course they will take his side. It’s nobody else’s fault but her own for the choices she made.

I don't think it's necessarily that they dropped her because she had an affair, but because they were never her friends to begin with. Even without an affair, when a couple splits, most people don't stay in touch with the person that wasn't their friend originally.

I’ve read the first few replies . I’m not surprised either . However , I was the spouse who had the affair and I was also drop by my friends . The same friends who egged me on to leave him because they knew what he was like . Once I committed adultery , I told my then husband within days and asked him for a divorce . It didn’t matter how dignified my behaviour was , I was dropped in the most unpleasant way . For what it’s worth , my affair partner and I have been happily married for 15 years . Women never come out of this situation in a good way .

This - what do you expect ?

You sound like a wonderful sister, she is lucky to have you. Mine ran for the hills when my affair came out, despite having had one of her own very recently before. Different as her’s was a ‘love story’ apparently. We are better than we were but it’s definitely a ‘forgive but not forget’ situation. I’ll never fully trust her again.

Me and DH went to (lots of) brave therapy, picked apart the difficult issues in our marriage, are 100 times stronger then we were. It’s been 5 year now and we are happy. We lost friends, weirdly he lost more as a lot of them couldn’t accept that he hadn’t left me and so left him to manage their feelings on that? The vast majority of my female friends were MY friends not mutuals and stayed by my side. Many of them were open and honest about their feelings about what I did but believed in me, hope and that better days were ahead.

I would give her the biggest hug in the world and stand by her. Have a solo holiday with her, a little weekend away. Visit her and have wine and films and cry. Encourage her to join a new fitness class, a choir, a craft group, a volunteering club. The world is wide and this too will pass.

I think if I had a friend who betrayed her husband, I would be on high alert that she would betray me too. I mean if she can do that to the person she is supposed to love forever, it indicates she doesn’t have much loyalty or respect to people.

Certain things cannot be overcome. I’ve told my friend snit to tell em if they cheated as it would completely change my view of them . It’s called having a moral compass

This is where family have to support. No one’s going to be interested in her self-made drama apart from family.

Frankly I am horrified how judgemental people are, knowing nothing about the sister, her husband or their marriage. Why so much hatred towards the woman for having an affair? You don’t know anything about her but you’re all prepared to throw her to the lions. You should be ashamed of yourselves and I’m glad my friends are not like you! Judge not, lest ye be judged!

I’m not shocked. I was not unfaithful to my ex and none of us would know if he was to me but all the friends we met with as couples slowly phased us out of couples stuff even if we both were members of the “gang”. I’m not a flirt but someway I noticed some women becoming a bit uncomfortable at their husbands having a simple conversation with me when in the past they wouldn’t have minded at all.

For women who get suspicious about single women talking to their husbands, their alarm bells ring loud and clear if someone who has previously indulged in an affair comes anywhere near their men.

I think the affair is more than likely a response to other things that aren’t right in her marriage.

Have they got children or had plans for children. Why hasn’t she got her own friends that her and her dh go out with.

It does sound like her dh expected her to fit into his own friend group.

She has realised the marriage in untenable? They can’t go on. He can’t see his friend group because they are just going to encourage him to break up with her or bring along a variety of single friends for him to hook up with.

I believe for a lot of women, having an affair isn’t something they would ever plan on doing but it is a response to other things that are going on in their lives that is causing them deep unhappiness

So if he had an affair he would be an unconsionable bastard who is a shag-around (according to MN) but if she does it, its ok because....he is an unconsionable bastard who expects her to fit into his life?

Make that makes sense.