AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

A listening ear from you is still very important so that can be your role as long as you do it without condoning her foolish behaviour.

I'm sure your sister knows that she has royally fucked up and made her own bed, which she now must lie in. She's not the first and won't be the last, but she's a human being and as fallible as the next. She's likely to be feeling vulnerable and isolated right now.

Support her as much as possible with ideas for finding somewhere to live, work etc.

They may have been welcoming and friendly towards her, as their friend’s wife, but that doesn’t mean they considered her a friend in her own right. They’re her husband’s friends, not hers. They have, quite naturally, sided with him.

If they had primarily been her friends, then it’s not at all unlikely that they would have chosen differently, as it were.

She cheated on their friend.
She has shown herself to be untrustworthy.

I got cut off by a lot of people I thought were my friends when my ex was arrested and removed because he was violently abusive. They are all still friends with him. So I think there is an element of them being his friends first being at play, and he is the wronged party.

Also, sorry to say it but the women will probably be thinking that their husbands could be in her sights. Sad but true. Happened to me with couple friends who were genuine friends of mine (I thought) who suddenly backed off when I was single, one of the ones that didnt back off said that they were all worried that I would be after their men!

More fool any woman who hangs on to a man she doesn't trust and thinks will be after any woman in the circle who becomes single.

She’s the very definition of FAFO.

Because someone who has shown themselves capable of lying and cheating in their most important relationship is not to be trusted in other relationships either.

I agree but ask on MN, its soooo fucking common. Its like now we are single we are out to snag any man we can, including theirs. And no offence to them, but none of them are with Prince Charming! I know from what they told me before the dropped me that one is tighter than a camels arse in a sand storm, one has serious ED that he wont address and one snores so badly that they are in seperate rooms because he wont address it. So......no thanks ladies, I think I can do better....and I am by staying single!

Same. I have a friend I have known for 20 years and they are an amazing friend to me. They cheated on their spouse in the worst way. I am angry and disgusted by them but at no point did I ever think to not be their friend. The fallout was repercussion and punishment enough, and as crap as their actions were, they needed a friend. Do not understand the ‘well if they do that to a spouse you cannot trust them brigade’.

In my case it was my exh who had the affairs - multiple - and the friends I made through him who I had known for over 20 years dropped me anyway.

I'd have been very surprised if her own friends had dropped her, as outside of MN I've never known anyone who'd actually dump a friend for an affair, even if they disapproved.
As they are his friends though, no, I'm not surprised. These women only know her through him so it's to be expected their loyalties would be with him.

Same. I have a friend I have known for 20 years and they are an amazing friend to me. They cheated on their spouse in the worst way. I am angry and disgusted by them but at no point did I ever think to not be their friend. The fallout was repercussion and punishment enough, and as crap as their actions were, they needed a friend. Do not understand the ‘well if they do that to a spouse you cannot trust them’ brigade. Sorry this posted twice!

That’s a crime and endangers lives.

You don't have to answer, OP, but does your sister have children with her STBXH or can she move back home? She has fucked up literally and catastrophically, but it's natural for you to be concerned especially if she has no support where she is (presumably her affair partner has also bitten the dust). Is there any chance she could move back to family or is she stuck there?

It’s taken me many years to learn to choose my friends carefully.

In the OP’s sister’s scenario, I would 100% be supporting her husband, because I would have primarily had the friendship with him first and not her.

If it was the opposite scenario as per your question and a very close friend of mine had an affair, I would have to obviously listen to the circumstances.

You’re entitled to your opinion. Personally, I can’t stand sneaky underhanded people with no moral code or conscience.

A beloved friend of mine had an affair and our friendship dissolved in the fall out. I'm sure her version of events would be that I was a friend who dropped her. From my point if view is that I tried to be there for her and support her, but all the lies she had told not just to her husband but to friends and family were astounding. And she was still lying after nearly everything was in the open.

That's what ended the friendship for me. I just felt like our conversations were never real so I didn't know what to say and I couldn't make myself believe the things she said. There was no trust left and I didn't want to confront her and cause her more pain when she was so fragile. So the friendship died.

Affairs cause so much far reaching damage, they really are not worth it

I believe it because so many women have spoken about it. It's just so weird to me because it's totally outside my sphere. My husband is married to me, if I can't trust him and I think he's that sexually incontinent then I'm not going to solve the problem by trying to create a woman-free bubble around him. That's not going to stop me being married to a man I don't trust.

Oh well.

As for the posters saying social isolation would help prevent cheating, no it wouldn't. Not for people for whom the risk of losing their whole family isn't deterrent enough. I'll bet anything that it's women who suffer the worst of social judgement anyway (I know the sister did it, but I bet more cheating women get turned into pariahs than cheating men.).

Murder and rape are light years apart from cheating..

If she shags one person's husband she will see nothing wrong in doing it again. I do n to think I would be inviting her in.

Personally, it's not so much the "trust" thing for me. I am friends woth people who morally align with my views. I couldnt be friends with someone if I knew they were culpable of having an affair, similar to how I wouldn't want to be friends with people who are racist etc. Im not saying those are remotely similar, just using them as examples in this scenario.

My husband is married to me, if I can't trust him and I think he's that sexually incontinent then I'm not going to solve the problem by trying to create a woman-free bubble around him. That's not going to stop me being married to a man I don't trust.

Exactly. Either you trust him or you dont. You will get those women saying "Oh I trust him but I dont trust her" so.....you dont trust him then? Because if you did you wouldnt consider the possibility that a swing of her hips and a wink would have him in her bed would you?

But if you trust your husband, whats the problem?

They don’t sound like they were ever her friends tbh. They were obs his first and they have prioritised their relationship with him over her. Real friends would not judge her like this and certainly wouldn’t desert her. You may hate how your friend behaves but people are complex and true friendship runs deeper than this.

I'm sorry she is having such a tough time.

For me, it's that there's no reason to suppose that kind of betrayal of a loved one is a behaviour that'll stay contained to partners. Your (general) spouse was wrong to trust you, maybe I am too. So sort of contagious, but perhaps not in the way you meant here.

I’m so sorry, this must be worrying for you. It’s unsurprising since your sister is the “outsider” here and it sounds as if the friends go way back with her husband. Is she planning to stay in the area?