AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

There is also likely an undercurrent of if she cheated on our friend, she might try to cheat with our husbands going on from the women she was close to. She's going to be shut out.

Hopefully there's no kids involved and she can move back or elsewhere.

Years ago, one of our ‘friends’ had an affair. We had known her partner longer, the partner had done nothing wrong, so our loyalty was with her partner. Actions have consequences.

Your sister has brought this on herself. You can support her if you want, but it’s completely unreasonable to expect friends who knew her husband first, to support her.

This happened to my mum.

In her case, people she'd been friends with prior to her marriage were not only upset by her treatment of my dad (whom they liked in his own right) but also felt betrayed that she'd failed to confide in them. Besides that, she'd been so wrapped up in the affair that she'd been neglecting them for years anyway. When she moved away to live with her affair partner, she lost the few acquaintances she had left, and now her only social contact is with her partner and her family.

It's sad for her, but also entirely self-inflicted.

Going against the grain…

one of my closest female friends was the wife of my childhood friend.

She cheated on him and left him. I knew him for 15 years before he met her; but me and her became close after 7 years of them being together.

I don’t care what someone does. I’m not going to clutch my pearls and tell her she was morally wrong. I made it clear to them that I would still be friends with both of them, I wasn’t going to act like a kid and chose one.

A decade on and I still close with both of them. Thier marriage was none of my business.

They 'seemed all so close' - but they were close to her husband before they were close to her, and she shat on him by having an affair, so of course they're going to be annoyed with her on his behalf. She was their friend, until she behaved abominably to someone who is a) also their friend and b) was their friend long before she was.

Is she shocked that her soon-to-be ex husbands friends want nothing to do with her?
I would've thought it was an obvious natural consequence of her choices. As a previous poster said, maybe her lover has mates, or she can build her own friendships and future.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

I wouldn't abandon some of my friends if they cheated on their husbands. Three come to mind. But we are lifelong friends whose friendship has existed since long before any of us met our husbands.

It sounds like your sister only met these friends because they were friends of her husband first. So it's not really all that surprising that they stuck by him since he's he wronged party, and was there first, essentially.

Some people are extremely judgmental of cheaters, as they are entitled to be. Some people fear for their husbands around perceived femme fatales. Who really knows?

Is your sister going to stay with her affair partner? Do they have children? I wouldn't waste time wondering about what you can't change. And you can't change people dropping her. It's more important that you help her navigate the practicalities as well as being a shoulder to cry on.

Maybe they don't trust her, or respect her. It's not about pearl-clutching - it's just hard to be friends with someone that you don't trust or respect.

Really? Are you REALLY shocked?

If they truly were ‘her’ friends they’d continue to support her.

But if friends with both then yes they will ditch her.

at the same time though they are human and their reactions aren’t surprising

I don’t think I believe in. “True friends for life”.

My love and affection for my children is unconditional. Probably my siblings and parents too.

Pretty much everyone else needs to meet behavioural standards.

Apart from which in my experience it is very rare that you are equally friendly with both halves of the couple. Generally there’s one you like best.

I don’t think this is a massive surprise to be honest. They were, primarily, his friends and acquaintances, so naturally their loyalty would lie with him, but also because affairs piss people off. They don’t want dishonest people in their lives, people who are perfectly happy to selfishly hurt the person they’re meant to love the most in the deepest way… it doesn’t bode well for them treating anyone else (ie friends!) well or with respect does it?
It’s a massive fuck up, for sure. Of course we’ve all made mistakes and I expect this is very hard for her but, well, fuck around and find out I guess.

Took the words out of my mouth

Oh come on. People have affairs all the time. My ex husband did.

It’s not up to me to trust or respect someone for that. If they are a friend, they are a friend .

The affair is irrelevant, they were his friends first so would have stuck by him anyway. You often hear of this happening even if he had the affair.

Hopefully she can move away make some new friends of her own and new choices in life.

Good.

I’m glad some people don’t prioritise being socially comfortable over having standards.

I'm surprised you're surprised @Yogarunningcoffee

Your sister cheated on her husband, and treated him as badly as a person can treat their spouse. Why should mutual friends (whom she met through her soon to be ex) have anything to do with her?

They are his friends. She cheated on him. What else can sne expect. Hasn't she made any friends of her own. I don 't have a lot of sympathy I'm afraid.

This with bells on.
No one’s perfect, but I like my friends to have a moral code.

I voted a bit differently from everyone else.

Of course you are unreasonable to be surprised if they were friends that came about because of the marriage. But you are not unreasonable to be concerned about your sister being isolated.

I was in a similar position when I separated from my husband (no, neither of us had an affair) - I seemed to get the house, the child and the dog ... he took all our friends!

You're a great sister; being a listening ear, and staying in touch by phone and text will be vary valuable to her over the coming months.

Is that true? As far as I can see stats indicate it’s about 20% of married couples so it’s quite possible to avoid being in a social circle with known adulterers.

I’m very sorry your ex put you through that. 💐

I would not expect the wives of my husbands friends to side with me if I had an affair.

I do understand why you are worried for your sister, but you can’t expect people to look on her kindly. Perhaps she needs this as a wake up call that she can’t behave in a certain way and expect people to be ok with her.

Yes, they probably like her less than they used to. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of the women has a male partner she doesn't trust around someone who's proven they're morally fine with cheating too.

None of this is at all shocking.

Indeed.

But MN is certainly going to have a field day with this!