AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

They will naturally be prioritising her DH as he established the friendships in the first place, which is only fair and just.

Does she have DC and can she move nearer to you?

I think some posters here are placing too much emphasis on the affair and can’t see the bigger picture.

I think it’s probable that even without an affair, a divorce in itself leads to friends of the couple picking a side and choosing the party who they are closer to/knew first etc.

So, whilst this is a scenario where the wife totally fucked up - there’s nothing to suggest that these were true mates for life anyway. To me, it seems circumstantial. Without him, the friendship would never exist, even if she was faithful. The end of the relationship is the end of the friendships because the glue (ie the husband) is no longer there.

Action have consequences and these are those for her.
Her friends perhaps have moral objections, maybe its changed how they see her as a person. Perhaps they dont trust her. Maybe they were never really her friends in the first place, they were her husband's and so they went with him.

She can't control how other people feel about her choices. She'll just have to try to move on and make new friends.

What everyone else said, they were his friends first, they owe their loyalty to him.

Although I often hear that when it's the husband who cheats , many women still lose friends as the friends side with the DH.

Without wanting to give her a kicking, are either of you really that surprised they’ve taken the side of her husband when they’ve presumably been friends with them for longer and he is the injured party?

Yup. Mumsnet hates affairs, and the people who participate in them, almost as much as it hates men.

Support her and guide her. That's all you can do as she navigate the divorce.

The friends and their partners knew her husband first and perhaps that is why they have chosen sides (in addition to probably being a little horrified)

Well, as you acknowledge, she did a very stupid, selfish thing and will now face the consequences. Her friends made through her husband understandably have greater loyalty to him than to her (and this was her own doing, on top of that), so of course most of them will drop her now that the relationship is ending. It's not surprising, no.

She may want to consider moving closer to family and old friends again. Otherwise, she'll just have to make a fresh start, including new friends.

It's not that surprising really, is it OP? We all get judged by our actions and if we do something shitty we risk other people deciding they don't want to be our friend any more. That goes double if our friends are actually the friends of the person we did something shitty to. I appreciate that people who have affairs don't always think through what the wider consequences of their actions might be, but I guess your DSis knows now!

Reassure she'll be OK in the long run. And this is something she can't alter. She needs to find herself and her own friends. Counselling would be a good idea but it might take 3-4 years to recover.
I feel for her DH but you need to be there for her. Also she'll be feeling frail so you need to make sure she's not projecting. Friends will feel awkward and not want to intrude.

Life isn’t that black and white I’m afraid.

I lost no-one after my affair came out, infact it strengthened certain friendships and family connections. Thankfully the people I know can still like the person despite not liking the actions. and an awareness that life, feelings and situations are complicated.

Your sister's friends are probably the partners of her husband's friends. Your sister is the one who cheated, and has betrayed her husband. I think it stands to reason that these women are going to support your BIL, and their partners/husband's who are friends of your BIL.

These women no longer trust your sister. She's cheated on her husband. They might be looking at her thinking 'is she going to make a play for my husband next'.

Does your sister have children with her husband? She's going to need to find new friends, as hard as that may be. If there is no children involved, she may find it easier to move away from the area and start afresh.

Ha. Hahaha. Hahaha haha....

Deep down I know you’re all right but they seemed all so close ! I’m just so angry and sad and gutted that she’s done this and really worried for her too. We live overseas so the support I can give is minimal aside from being a listening ear

I'm always surprised when friends carry on as before, and welcome the affair partner into the circle of friends too.

Your sister's (ex) friends, sound like very sensible and morally-upstanding people.

Someone I know had an affair with her husband's brother. It amazes me how quickly her friendship group embraced the brother, and started inviting them on holidays etc as a couple.

They were probably close, but your sister has betrayed that trust, she has ripped the friendship group apart.

They weren't her friends then, were they? I bet she's regretting moving to his area now. Hopefully she'll make new friends and move on from her unsatisfactory marriage. At least she's still got you.

I actually agree with you OP. She fucked up, yes - but people in glass houses and all that. I remained friends with someone who cheated on their partner. Told her what I thought etc but didn’t bin her off because of it. Let he without sin…

I have been one of the friends in this situation. Big group of us, she had an affair and knew from the start he was married. Wondered why none of us gave a shit when he “broke her heart” 🙄

Is it bad to hate affairs? 😂

We have all done the wrong thing in this life: We are all human: We are going to do more things that are viewed badly.

This is life and we are all tarred with the same brush, some more than others.

Your sister has my sympathy for making her own life very difficult with her choices. She will come through this and make her own friends eventually who will not know or will not judge her so harshly. There were two of them that did this, where is he? Are his friends judging him in the same way?

Even if he was the one to have an affair, I would expect friends to support him over her.

Is she childless so she can move away?

And they may be guarding their husbands... as if that will stop anyone from cheating if they want to.

If he has cheated they would stick by him as well. They are his friends.
I feel sad for your sister she’s made a terrible mess here.
She needs her own friends.

She can’t be that isolated if she found someone to have an affair with!