AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

An affair is no doubt a result of an unhappy marriage, or at least one that’s lacking something. No doubt about that; people in happy marriages don’t have affairs.

That said, if you have an unhappy marriage, you take steps to fix it or you take steps to end it. Then you’re free to do exactly what you like, and sleep with whoever you want.

They had the time and energy to carry on a clandestine relationship. It’s unclear why they don’t have the time and energy to properly address the issues in their marriage or break up.

And no - kids and finances and “life is complicated” aren’t a good reason to have an affair. They’re just excuses for moral cowardice and duplicity; for actively lying to your family, and being complicit in another family being lied to.

Yabu. Of course they have. They his friends and understandable are supporting him.

I'll be slaughtered for this, but it's only what I've observed over the years, and obviously it isn't true of every single case.

But in my experience, men are very likely to cheat even when they love their wives and are totally happy in the relationship with no intention of leaving. Hence the ubiquitous cheating MM who never leaves for the OW. When Women cheat, it's almost always because they're unhappy. That doesn't mean the cheating is OK, or that the husband has necessarily done anything wrong. Just that for women, it's rarely something fun on the side of a relationship and life they're happy in, and for men, it commonly is.

It's still not ok, but the motivation tends to be different.

No slaughtering here. I think that’s broadly true. I can also think of a number of women I know who have had what I would term ‘maintenance affairs’, in order to keep their marriage, which they valued, going, as otherwise it would have been unbearable. One marriage was celibate (not her choice), one had been impacted by the DH’s chronic illness etc.

And while that's still not "right", I do think it's different to other types of affair I can think of.

I don't subscribe at all to "once a cheater always a cheater" or "anyone who has an affair under any circumstances is a moral cesspit with no worth who will betray absolutely everybody and deserves no friends". I know those viewpoints are common on here and I expect they are a sign of the immense pain caused to many women by cheating, and I'm sorry for that because it can be so devastating. But I don't agree at all.

But as I've said before, this place isn't supposed to be a court of perfect, blind, objective justice. It's only because it's mostly women that people get angry and castigate it for not being perfect. It's a parenting and lifestyle forum comprised largely of women, many of whom have had bad experiences, and it'll reflect that.

Yes, I agree. I’m not minimising the pain caused by infidelity (I’ve had partners be unfaithful to me, and it was gutting), but I think there are as many reasons for affairs as there are people having them, and that they’re not necessarily indicative of some horrifying, irremediable moral vacuum.

I can think of a male friend who had an affair while married. At the woman’s instigation, but it made him notice his marriage was unhappy (both he and his wife had married on the rebound, again at her instigation). He asked for a divorce, was single for a couple years, and is now remarried (not to the affair partner). I’d be very surprised if he were to be unfaithful again. He’s a very passive person, and the circumstances are different.

Where is the man involved? Gone back to his wife?

She's on her own. This isn't about men Vs women we are all human beings with wants, needs and emotions. Another poster said it the responses to the op is extreme it's as if they were cheated on. They have no idea the story that led to it.

How do you know he was married. Are you enjoying the soap opera.

Lie down with dogs, get fleas

It’s because she knows them through her husband that is the issue. If they were friends with her first and not connected to him then it would be harsh to drop her. Unless she wants to sleep with her friends husbands too

Your sister has no morals so why would anyone want to know her.

Don’t expect much emotional intelligence on MN, OP. They think cheaters should be hung, drawn and quartered. I’ve got friends who have done similar, I’ve got friends who have been cheated on. Life is complex.

I disagree. I know people who’ve left their partner for someone else and they’re still together and everyone is fine with them.

The issue here is they were all his mates… of course they’re going to freeze her out.

Whether she should or shouldn’t be ‘punished’ is irrelevant tbh.

The point that these were and are primarily her husband’s friends, not hers. She was only their friend, or perhaps more accurately acquaintance, by virtue of her relationship to him, so now that’s over of course her relationship with them is too.

Had they been her friend, and him the +1, I would imagine they would have stuck by her.

Pure speculation, but I wonder if having absolutely no friends or connections in the area outside of her husband contributed to the mental state that led to the affair.

My friend from work had an affair, I dropped her because she told her DH she was out with me when she was out with the other one…

I’m still appalled that women on MN are so judgmental of other women. It feels like we’re in the Dark Ages here. How can you vilify someone you don’t know anything about? Why is the husband divorcing her without trying to discover why she felt the need to turn elsewhere in the first place? It takes two for a marriage to fail! Where’s your compassion ladies? Are you all so darn perfect? Shame on you!

Easily appalled then. Sounds exhausting.

Much like adult men are responsible for their own actions, the same applies to adult women. She isn’t an infant that needs excuses made for her. She made choices that she now has to deal with the consequences of. Such is life.

Surely this has to be a joke???

If one of my closest friends was cheated on by their spouse do you seriously expect me to be ringing the cheater making sure they are ok and offering THEM support and cosy chats?

This is wild. Your sister is a horrible person. She will have to find new friends- thats part and parcel of treating her husband like shit I'm afraid....

Whether she should or shouldn’t be ‘punished’ is irrelevant tbh.
The point that these were and are primarily her husband’s friends, not hers. She was only their friend, or perhaps more accurately acquaintance, by virtue of her relationship to him, so now that’s over of course her relationship with them is too.

Exactly, this has nothing to do with punishment and everything to do with loyalty to my friends whom I care about and love. Perhaps if this idea upsets people so much they might consider that prior to having an affair. Just a thought.

Are you really saying that if a woman posted on here that her husband had cheated on her and she was filing for divorce, you'd tell her it takes two for a marriage to fail and that she's in the wrong for not trying to find out why he "felt the need to turn elsewhere" (i.e. what she did wrong)?

There's no excuse for cheating, I'm "appalled" that you're actually trying to blame the person who was cheated on here and make a reason for why the cheating was justified. The sex of the cheater is irrelevant

I know it seems sad OP but the answer is in your post. She met them through him. So they will feel loyalty to him. I am not surprised they have frozen her out.

No reason excuses an affair. We have self control. There is always leaving one relationship before starting another and anyone who says otherwise is a liar and anyone who believes them is a fool.