AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

Think of it the other way. If a close friend of yours’ husband cheated, would your partner stay friends with them? Unlikely. They are his friends primarily.

Abuse! Come on, that’s offensive to people going through actual abuse. It’s a personal relationship issue.

Or she could've been a swine to him, if we're randomly coming up with backstories. Either way, nobody has to be friends with anyone whose behaviour they find objectionable and that's something we would all do well to be aware of. Other people are going to judge you sometimes.

I think serial cheating could certainly be considered abuse.

I find that quite an odd thing to do tbh.

Presumably many of them would think that you’ve broken up because you were the cheat.

Why protect someone who was in the wrong or have people think you were in the wrong.

You can still maintain strong relationships with his side of the family.

It’s actually quite sad/shocking that he cheated on you and you think his family would have fallen out with you (the innocent victim) if they found out.

It definitely can be seen as psychological abuse.

At the very least it involves lying, gaslighting and humiliating your partner.

And what about STIs, this woman was having sex with her DH knowing full well she was having sex with someone else and could therefore give her DH a STI.

There are 3 scenarios:

1. They are his friends really, so have taken his side. They are emotionally support him and it would be hypocritical to offer the same to her plus disgusted at her behaviour

2. They are trying to avoid taking sides so avoiding talking to both parties in the immediate aftermath but will reach out when the dust has settled

3. They don't have the bandwidth to offer emotional support and don't really want to get involved in the drama of it all.

So what’s “actual” abuse in your eyes?

All abuse I’ve known has always come hand in hand with cheating. You’re lying to your partner, taking away their agency, breaking the commitment you’ve made to them, putting their sexual health at risk. This isn’t even getting into when the cheating comes hand in hand with other high risk behaviour and compromises the family finances.

And the worst part: it’s completely optional. You can in fact just… stay single.

She is reaping what she sewed. Once a cheater always a cheater. I wouldn’t want to be friends with a woman that cheated with married men.

MN is funny.

Other threads:

OP - my DH has been texting a female co-worker. There’s been nothing flirty but it seems over friendly.

Some MNers - omg that’s awful! He is having an emotional affair and you need to LTB asap! Kick him out of his home and make it difficult for him to see his kids. Tell all of his friends and family what a scum bag he is.
None of this is your fault.

OP - my DW has been having a full blown affair with at least one man. She has been leaving me to do all of the parenting whilst she’s been out having sex with him, lying to me and making me feel like I was going mad.

Some MNers - what did you do to make her cheat? It’s ok to cheat if you’re unhappy in the relationship. Everyone makes mistakes and has weak moments. You are obviously in the wrong here somehow.
You cannot tell her friends or family or make her out to be a bad person and you can’t kick her out of her home and make it difficult for her to see her kids, as that would be abusive.

And I’m not even exaggerating 🙄🙄🙄

It’s actually quite sad/shocking that he cheated on you and you think his family would have fallen out with you (the innocent victim) if they found out.

That's not what I think, and it's not what I said.

I don't think it's that unusual to keep personal relationship information private. If I hear that a couple are divorcing, I don't assume anything about the reasons: it's not my business, it's likely to be complicated, and if one of them does confide in me, I'll be aware that I'm only hearing one side anyway.

It's not even remotely the same. As women we carry so much more baggage in relationships in this patriarchal society. So often when a woman does have an affair, it will be because she is in an abusive relationship or isn't receiving the acceptable amount of support a partnership requires.

When a man cheats it is always because he sees women as a tool to be used, because he's bored or he just wants to look good in front of his friends.

I will never judge a sister for thinking about themselves in the moment.

If I was in their friends position I would
find it hard too. They are friends with your sister because of her husband. Their husbands will be hanging out with your sisters husband so of course they will distance themselves from your sister.

Nope.

When a woman cheats it’s because she’s a slag but doesn’t want to give up the benefits of a relationship.

When a man cheats it’s because he’s a slag but doesn’t want to give up the benefits of a relationship.

Why do you cheat instead of just leaving your DH?

Are you that incapable of being alone?

They weren't really her friends to begin with. I wouldn't continue a friendship with my friends ex it would become awkward. She was only an extension of him in the friendship group. I wouldn't go to my friends exs house to comfort him would I?¿ His mates who are probably male wouldn't go to her and comfort her. I don't think the wife's and girlfriends of these male friends would want any awkwardness around them who are an extension of his mates. No judgement it's just how it is when relationships end.

This. Sums it up imo

You have said it yourself “all of her friends are people she met through him” Therefore they are his friends not hers and will obviously side with him. Quite frankly it’s ludicrous to expect them to continue any contact with her. Right now she is learning a hard lesson but I’m sure she’ll recover and get on with her life, hopefully older and wiser.

When have you ever heard a man or a woman call a man a slag. I've heard of womaniser never a slag. That derogatory word is saved only for women.

Again that's some gap filling in, but you may be right. Could be as much about practicalities as anything else, but again all the more reason for OP not to be surprised.

What a stupid response. Why would it not hate affairs?

Oh, and that "hates men" thing is pathetic. Try harder

Perhaps you use that word when you’re only referring to women but I know lots of people who use it for both men and women.

But it doesn’t really matter, as you can insert whichever word you prefer instead of ‘slag’ that has the same meaning.

My point is that there is never a good excuse for a woman to cheat, just like there is never a good excuse for a man to cheat.
If someone is unhappy then they should leave, not cheat.

Tbf I don’t commonly hear the word ‘slag’ used for either sex, but I have indeed heard it used for both. Same as ‘slut’.

They’re not words exclusively used for women.

Did she have the affair with one of her husband’s friends?

Totally agree.
And those utterly selfish decisions and choices are built upon lies, lies, lies and more lies.
Takes a certain type of person to be able to cheat, return home to their partner, often still smelling of their AP, look them in the eye and spew out more lies about where they’ve been.