AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

Friendship is conditional.

Why would you be friends with someone who behaves so poorly?

If my friend had an affair I’d be disappointed but would be her friend. If my friends dh had an affair, even if we’re close to both of them I wouldn’t stay friends and wouldn’t expect my dh to either.

It's not nice for anyone to feel isolated at any time. That being said they were his friends and they accepted her in, and she did something really terrible to him, so I understand why they would do this. It's a shame but your sister will need to utilise the support network she has.

Except that you’re just filling in the blanks so you can stand up for a cheater. OP made no mention of her sister being trapped in a DV situation, you just decided it must be so.

A few years ago my friend bumped into her best friend cheating on someone. Off they were, holding hands in a local park, having a nice day out, not a care in the world. Her response to why on earth she was doing it? “I was bored”.

So yeah, cheating is abusive. You take away someone’s consent and potentially compromise their sexual health too.

Not sure it’s other posters who need to get real. You’ve used your imagination to go from cheating woman to ‘poor woman who is now isolated from all her friends at the hands of a manipulative/abusive man who forced her into the arms of someone who gave her a crumb of the affection’ with absolutely zero evidence. I’ve seen plenty of women cheating for the same reasons as men, fun, power trip, sex, oneupmanship on other women to soothe their own egos and dare I say it believing they’re star crossed lovers with the affair partner (I’d argue incredibly common in women who cheat).

And cheating is abusive and is now classed as such. It removes right to informed sexual consent, puts the betrayed at risk of STIs and mental health problems and removes right to personal agency. It also is accompanied by gaslighting, lying, minimising and devaluing the betrayed (among many others) all of which are harmful, so pretty much the definition of abusive behaviours.

I suspect in this case it was simply a case of prioritising the husband over OPs sister by his friends. I get that.

A listening ear is worth a lot.

I‘m not surprised tbh… He was their friend first and she’s the guilty party, which probably made it a clear case for them. (Edit: it would have seemed like a clear case to me as well, tbh!)

And many people even stick to the „original friend“ when that’s the one who cheated! So no, not surprised at all… Your sister needs her own friends. Is there are hobby she enjoys? Running group? Choir? Dance?

probably supporting her heartbroken husband

who would want to be friends with spine with poor morals and ethics also she may go after their husbands

Nah, if that was the case then the group wouldn’t shut the cheater out.

If everyone in the group is there because they're either originally his friend or a partner of one of his friends, then it's pretty usual that they'd feel pushed to "choose" and stick with him even, without the affair factor. His friends will be upset that he's hurt, blame her, and maybe feel betrayed that they treated her well for his sake (at least initially) and she treated him badly. His friends' partners may feel the same, and also won't want to go against their own partners. If this group normally socialise in couples, they "couldn't" invite her even if they wanted to because he would be there and it would be awkward or painful. Even if there's someone who really did bond with her and would still want to see her one on one, the group dynamic plus loyalty to her ex will prevent it.

Don't underestimate the comfort of a supportive ear, though, even remotely. Does she have any friends from before her marriage, even if they're not local to her now, or people she's met through her own interests and activities or through work? Not sure if she's still "with" the affair partner - I imagine it would be better in the long run to move on without him - but now may be the time to start making a life on her own, hard as it may be, and not getting absorbed again into someone else's.

Agree with this. Even if the DH had ended the relationship of his own choice, his friends probably wouldn't have kept in touch with OP's sister

Deep down I know you’re all right but they seemed all so close

And that is what has made her betrayal somewhat worse.

But that's a different situation. If OP's BIL had an affair, I daresay his friends would disapprove but stay friends with him

This. I certainly wouldn’t drop a close friend because she’d had an affair, but in this case her friends were his friends first, and their loyalties lie with him. It’s not surprising, surely?

They probably were close, but when you realise that that someone is not the person you thought they were, I guess it's natural to reevaluate friendships.

I think it's more surprising tbh that your sister thought she could betray her husband and blow up her marriage without her friends - who she met through her husband - being deeply uncomfortable with this.

Why did the husband need to tell anyone the reason for the divorce? When I divorced, I didn't tell anyone that my ex was a cheat, because it was less important to me to punish him than it was to preserve the relationships between him and our children's wider family (and our children's friends' families).

The ops sister was an extension of him. It doesn't matter why they split she would always be an extension. If it's his homeland country they live in then his friends will be loyal to him. It wouldn't look right one of his male friends popping in to see how the ex wife is. I've had opinions about my friends behaviour on how they treat others but my loyalty was to my friend not their extension.

Can she move back nearer home ?

obv her friends are his friends /friends partners so they will take the dh side

quite rightly too

she played about and got found out

My friend's husband cheated on her - he was actually my friend first and was my DH's best man.

We still dropped the twat as a friend after that - being a cheat didn't align with the kind of values I want a friend to have, simple as that.

The affair was probably with another member of the friendship group- this is incredibly stupid because obviously the whole group will take a stance against you. Who introduced who is of less importance- it's why affairs at work are so toxic.
You can't really blame her friends dropping her- they all have husbands, and likely the husband she had the affair is one of the group- what would you do, it's unreasonable to expect them to stay friendly with your sister.

That’s your prerogative. I for one think a healthy dose of public shaming does wonders for reprehensible, vile behaviour like this.

Cheating is generally largely unnecessary and selfish. Unless you’re completely trapped in a DV situation you can’t get out of, you can simply terminate your current relationship and move on. Cheaters selfishly want the best of both worlds.

Probably because he was asked, possibly in distress and just came out with it.

The friends will be worried that your sister will try and seduce one of THEIR husbands.

If they don't think their husbands are sexually incontinent and untrustworthy, why are they worried?

Oh yes, I understood that I would get a lot of malicious enjoyment from telling everyone what he'd done. I just didn't see any other purpose to it, and thought there would be downsides, particularly for the children.

You have such a small minded, privileged view.