AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

Doesn’t she have her gentleman lover to comfort her?

You have no idea what she goes through or how she feels. If it was me I would be shitting myself. Living away from family and friends a few hundred miles away is tough. Living abroad with no support is not good. Do they have children?

I was going to say YANBU until you said they were his friends first, yeah I’m not surprised then.

I was thinking that too - This actually makes a refreshing change to the complete lack of consequences cheaters often receive.

She's your sister OP so I understand it must feel dreadful and you want the best for her. But none of these people owe her friendship or kindness for her bad behaviour, and in fact stand to potentially make themselves look bad if they appear to forgive or condone it.

I've had the side-eye and back away from so many people in life who just didn't care when someone else cheated.

Bet you've never been cheated on eh?

Well when you hit rock bottom the only way is up.

Maybe time for another move aswell. A fresh start away from fake people.

You’re not unreasonable. Real friends wouldn’t do this. She hasn’t committed a terrible crime. I hope she’s ok OP.

What twaddle. Having the basic human decency not to have an affair isn't being "blessed", it's about not behaving like an inconsiderate piece of shit.

It's not like you accidentally trip over a paving stone and find yourself fucking someone else. Affairs happen when you make a series of utterly selfish decisions that you know you shouldn't be making. You don't have to be "blessed" to choose not to do that. You just have to not have your head rammed so far up your arse that you can see your tonsils from below.

Oh, come on. If there's any shred of truth here you cannot be surprised. I'm shocked she was stupid enough to have an affair when so much of her life depended on her relationship.

"Woman who chose to do something regardless of the impact it would have on others is now shocked and appalled to discover that other people can decide to do something regardless of the impact it has on her."

Man introduces his DW to his friends. She cheats on him and his friends take his side.

Sounds reasonable and normal to me

I have and my ex husband shacked up with a woman at the top of my road.

But it doesn't mean id cut of anyone else for having an affair. Even the ex and I are quite civil if we bump into each other

I wouldn't freeze out any of my friends for having an affair.
Im very against cheating, it causes such devastation. But life can be messy and people make mistakes.
MY friends would join me in calling a cheating spouse an arse hole etc. That's just solidarity. But I'd find it bloody weird if dps friends all abandoned him for cheating on me. Which is why I suspect that your sisters friends are actually his friends.

To offer another perspective here, I was in a relationship for 4 years and grew very close to my partner's friends. We all went on holiday together, out for meals, barbecues and so on. My partner had an affair. They all picked a side - his. I was frozen out entirely. Not only did I lose him but I lost them too and had done nothing wrong. Sadly, they were his friends first and continued to be when we split up.

I now have my own friendship group. What I'm trying to say is, your sister needs her own friends now. I'm guessing that even if she wasn't the one who had the affair, they would've always picked him because he was their friend first.

I’m shocked you’re shocked. You say yourself that they were his friends before they were hers, so obviously their loyalties will sit with him. And rightly so. I’ve cut a friend out a few years ago for having an affair and destroying two families. Surely your dsis wasn’t daft enough to think that they would all rally round her when she’s the one who had the low moral compass here?

They’re standing by their friend, her husband.

But they aren’t, and never were, her ‘real friends’. They were only her friends by default - because she partnered up with their friend. They picked him to be their friend - they didn’t pick the dsis, and might not have even liked her that much. Just accepted her as she was now part of the package. I mean I have a very close friend whose dh is an arse. We socialise with him only because we have to if I want to keep my friend, but if they split up tomorrow I’d have nothing to do with him again, whatever the reason for their breakup.

I presume to have an affair she was unhappy in her marriage. When a marriage ends regardless of an affair you really learn who your people are. Maybe it’s time for a fresh start when she is in a better headspace.

Even the other way round, they'd probably be the same. If a new woman "marries" into the friendship group, and everyone has known her husband forever, if he's the one who cheats, most people will sack him off, not her, because she's not the one who was untrustworthy, and people tend to think that if someone cheats on their partner, they can't trust them as a friend. Rightly or wrongly, that's how it tends to be.

What? 🤣

Why is it weird to “hate” affairs? You can leave a relationship any time, no need to deceive your partner or be a dirt bag.

Most of the men “hate” on here is down to specific behaviour. But you crack on.

It's disgusting really, those people are no friends of your sister. You just need to be there to support her as she navigates this difficult time. I won't judge a sister for doing what the heart desires, I'm sure she had her reasons.

Sending you love ❤

Context is important. I’m in a group of mates who have known each other 20 years. Most of the friendships formed by the men initially, who brought their partners in to the group. The women hang out together for holidays sometimes but a lot is done in groups. If I cheated I have no doubt I’d be out of the group. There is one person I would likely keep in touch as we went to school together. If my DH cheated it would be less clear cut. He would maintain all the male friendships by default but would likely struggle to introduce another woman to group stuff (immediately anyway)

Just the way it is.

They’re not her friends, no, that’s the point. And they presumably don’t want her as a friend due to what they see as her disgusting behaviour.

Whatever the reasons were these people are allowed to judge them.

Why would you judge a stranger?.
These friends are an extension of the relationship, if any of my friends or sisters husbands cheated, they’d be out of the group, not because they had an affair but because the loyalties will always be with the friend, not the blow in partner.
Sadly even if they were the cheaper, the partner leaves the group.

I think she'd have been phased out even without the affair if they are his friends tbh. Where is your DSis's affair partner in all this, is he still around?