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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For being a bit shocked by my new neighbour

202 replies

Overnightoats1 · 10/05/2026 20:25

For a bit of background- we are currently doing some building work on our house and our soon to be new neighbour has knocked down the old house next door and is busy building a brand new house on the plot . We are still living in ours and he isn't until it's built . He is about 65-70 years old and has been very friendly and popped over a few times to compare building progress and on occasion I've offered him a cup of tea. He has mostly popped over when DH has been at work as that's when the builders are there. He has always hugged me a bit too tightly when he said hello -(me -45 yo mum of 3) but I put it down to being friendly and perhaps cultural differences..I took in a parcel for his builders on Friday after his builders had left and texted him to let him know I had his parcel and would give it to his builders on Monday. Saturday morning early - I get a knock on the door and he is there to get his parcel - but then he went to give me a hug and squeezed my bottom tightly .. I jumped back in shock and he pretended like nothing had happened. I feel really uncomfortable now but don't know how to play it from here.. AIBU to address it with him when I see him next or just try and avoid him.. I obviously don't want to sour neighbourly relations before they have even moved in and he is super friendly-could it have been an innocent mistake? Any advice would be appreciated.. ps: I've told DH who asked if I wanted him to speak to him but I'm not sure..

OP posts:
whywonthelisten · 11/05/2026 09:04

montysmaw · 11/05/2026 02:05

Never in my life had a neighbours number.
I would just knock their door......but thats a Mumsnet crime😁

This guy doesn’t actually live next door yet though, so if the OP wanted to contact him (to tell him about some issue at his property, for example), she couldn’t just pop round.

CurlewKate · 11/05/2026 09:32

Happyjoe · 10/05/2026 20:52

Someone roughly the same age as your neighbour was shocked when I told him squeezing or patting bottoms isn't acceptable anymore. He asked me 'well, how is a woman supposed to know I like them?'.

Different times he grew up with, he needs to learn this rubbish is unwanted (probably always was to be fair) and to stop. I'd just avoid him, no more cuppas, if have to talk about the houses, fine but no other chat and all done on the doorstep. Eeek, sorry, awkward.

I can’t decide which bit of this is is the most bollocks.

Daftypants · 11/05/2026 10:09

Oh god ..pervy old man ..avoid !!!

Happyjoe · 11/05/2026 10:22

latetothefisting · 10/05/2026 21:24

how "roughly"?
Someone 65 has only just reached retirement age, hardly "different times." How could anyone in a workplace in the last 25plus years still think that was acceptable?

Because there are always men out there who are creeps, genuinely stupid or who plain missed the memo. No sexual touching in the workplace by the way, this was a bunch of us talking at lunch about dating.

Happyjoe · 11/05/2026 10:23

CurlewKate · 11/05/2026 09:32

I can’t decide which bit of this is is the most bollocks.

I can't decide if I give a shit. Nah, I don't. 😳

Pigwig22 · 11/05/2026 10:25

Overnightoats1 · 10/05/2026 20:25

For a bit of background- we are currently doing some building work on our house and our soon to be new neighbour has knocked down the old house next door and is busy building a brand new house on the plot . We are still living in ours and he isn't until it's built . He is about 65-70 years old and has been very friendly and popped over a few times to compare building progress and on occasion I've offered him a cup of tea. He has mostly popped over when DH has been at work as that's when the builders are there. He has always hugged me a bit too tightly when he said hello -(me -45 yo mum of 3) but I put it down to being friendly and perhaps cultural differences..I took in a parcel for his builders on Friday after his builders had left and texted him to let him know I had his parcel and would give it to his builders on Monday. Saturday morning early - I get a knock on the door and he is there to get his parcel - but then he went to give me a hug and squeezed my bottom tightly .. I jumped back in shock and he pretended like nothing had happened. I feel really uncomfortable now but don't know how to play it from here.. AIBU to address it with him when I see him next or just try and avoid him.. I obviously don't want to sour neighbourly relations before they have even moved in and he is super friendly-could it have been an innocent mistake? Any advice would be appreciated.. ps: I've told DH who asked if I wanted him to speak to him but I'm not sure..

I would purposefully avoid him and get my husband to handle all interactions with him. But I wouldn’t say anything. Knowing my husband, he’d make it clear he knew without actually saying anything directly.

Do you have any daughters? If your neighbour is willing to do that to a grown woman he could be a threat to younger girls so draw firm boundaries.

echt · 11/05/2026 10:28

Daftypants · 11/05/2026 10:09

Oh god ..pervy old man ..avoid !!!

If he were younger, would that make it OK with you?

Overnightoats1 · 11/05/2026 10:31

Pigwig22 · 11/05/2026 10:25

I would purposefully avoid him and get my husband to handle all interactions with him. But I wouldn’t say anything. Knowing my husband, he’d make it clear he knew without actually saying anything directly.

Do you have any daughters? If your neighbour is willing to do that to a grown woman he could be a threat to younger girls so draw firm boundaries.

No daughters - just sons -but I hadn't thought of it that way! Definitely going to go very cool and avoid him as much as possible.

OP posts:
Daftypants · 11/05/2026 10:47

echt · 11/05/2026 10:28

If he were younger, would that make it OK with you?

No

HelloPossible · 11/05/2026 10:56

Just to say this situation is potentially very serious, especially as it has happened in your own home. Not to be dramatic but once you are alone in your own home with him and something happens it’s your word against his and just the fact he is in your home assumes some familiarity. Consent doesn’t have to be proved but the fact you didn’t consent. So I would shut down this situation instantly, he crossed a line and there is no going back from it, there has been some very predatory behaviour here.

BlackRowan · 11/05/2026 10:58

Overnightoats1 · 11/05/2026 10:31

No daughters - just sons -but I hadn't thought of it that way! Definitely going to go very cool and avoid him as much as possible.

He might as well be sex pest towards boys

Hoppinggreen · 11/05/2026 11:05

I have lived in my small cul de sac for over 20 years and so have all my neighbours. We have been through Births, Deaths and Marriages and we are all friendly but not in each others pockets.
I have hugged a male neighbour ONCE at his wifes funeral and that was my choice. This man should not be touching you without your permission at all and you should tell him, he (and so many other men) rely on your shock and disbelief and conditioning to get away with this. Your H does not need to have a word, you do

Horselover90 · 11/05/2026 11:06

I find it weird you started hugging him. How did that start?

Overnightoats1 · 11/05/2026 11:08

CurlewKate · 11/05/2026 05:03

Perfectly normal to have neighbour’s numbers. Not perfectly normal to be a sexually abusive creep. Peak Mumsnet to assume he’s being a sexually abusive creep because of his age. It isn’t.
OP, if you can, tell him clearly that he is absolutely not to touch you in any way again. If you can’t, and it is a difficult thing to do, don’t ever open the door to him again. He will know why. He knows what he’s doing.

I think you are all right! Going to give him an extremely wide berth and get my husband to deal with him instead.

And our road WhatsApp group is usually just for things like someone's alarm is going off , bin day has changed etc. Very normal neighbourly things.

OP posts:
Poodlelove · 11/05/2026 11:14

The other thing to remember , as this happened to me , is that in the moment , you freeze , you can't actually believe that it has just happened.
I was in my 20s when this happened.I felt that it was my fault and I froze.My husband dealt with it when he came home from work.
I would never have a man in my house now.
I think I would actually very differently now that I am retirement age , but I just don't know.
I only hug my adult children and their spouses.
I shake hands if I meet someone.
We don't know how many women he has done this to , maybe he thinks it's ok but obviously you have a husband , would you feel confident if you saw him outside his house to say to him that what he did to you was very wrong and inappropriate and that you will be polite because you are neighbours, but he is NOT to come to the house if you are alone .
I cannot believe that your husband is not livid.
I hope that you are ok 💞

Overnightoats1 · 11/05/2026 11:18

Horselover90 · 11/05/2026 11:06

I find it weird you started hugging him. How did that start?

It is a bit odd- he went in for a hello hug on his 3rd or 4th visit - and I felt a bit awkward but did it anyway so as not to be rude - so then the hug became a thing each time he popped over when he was next door at his site. I've even mentioned the tight hugs to my husband before and joked it's a bit weird but put it down to a warm friendly grandad type hug which might be more normal in his south Asian culture.- that's what I put it down to anyway ... he is very smiley and friendly.. it's the bottom squeeze on Saturday though that's changed things for me...

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 11/05/2026 11:19

I would both have a firm word and distance yourself.

“Bob, I’m happy to take parcels in for you but please stop hugging me because it’s inappropriate.”

i would avoid inviting him in.

TeaPot496 · 11/05/2026 11:20

It's not odd at all OP. He's a predator, choosing to enter your home for no good reason, and initiating physical contact specifically when your husband isn't there.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 11/05/2026 11:27

My goodness, what a lucky old man because if he'd done that to me I'd have knocked him on his arse. Not necessarily on purpose but instinctively I'd have shoved him that hard he'd have ended up in a time where his house was built and he'd moved in.

OP you must tell him that it's unacceptable for him to touch you in any shape or form. Dirty old bastard 😡

Overnightoats1 · 11/05/2026 12:53

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 11/05/2026 11:27

My goodness, what a lucky old man because if he'd done that to me I'd have knocked him on his arse. Not necessarily on purpose but instinctively I'd have shoved him that hard he'd have ended up in a time where his house was built and he'd moved in.

OP you must tell him that it's unacceptable for him to touch you in any shape or form. Dirty old bastard 😡

I'm going to -I think I was in such shock I froze! When he appears again I'm going to have a word with him and then keep my distance

OP posts:
Whiteheadhouse · 11/05/2026 13:24

I would be warning neighbours about him. I would be most concerned about young girls around him. Such entitlement!

RodJaneandBungle · 11/05/2026 14:35

So easy after the event but it would be great if you could say next time “you know when you hugged me perv neighbour & you pinched my bum? Do you do that with all women you come across? As it’s completely unacceptable, unwanted & actually classed as sexual assault. Are you aware of that?? Never do that again to me or any other woman again. Got it?”

Overnightoats1 · 11/05/2026 16:39

Just a quick update - After all your responses I chatted to my DH again and he said he had already decided yesterday that he was going to call him anyway. He called him and told him to stay far away from me and to never come to the door when he isn't there again. Interestingly he didn't deny it and apologised and said "he got carried away" so clearly as a few others had posted - knew exactly what he was doing. Thanks everyone for the support!

OP posts:
RodJaneandBungle · 11/05/2026 16:54

Great outcome OP well done & good on your DH for confronting him. Interesting he didn’t deny it & admitted it!! Clearly got form. Still be wary & keep your distance as it sounds like he has a problem controlling himself. Which is a bit unnerving. Or so he claims. Am sure you feel a lot less uncomfortable now though having called him out & put him on notice.

Maddy70 · 11/05/2026 17:04

I don't think the hugging is weird , I great everyone I know with a hug , however the rest is definitely crossing a line

You need to be very clear about your boundaries, loudly say "what are you doing" make a fuss

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