For being a bit shocked by my new neighbour

[Overnightoats1]

For a bit of background- we are currently doing some building work on our house and our soon to be new neighbour has knocked down the old house next door and is busy building a brand new house on the plot . We are still living in ours and he isn't until it's built . He is about 65-70 years old and has been very friendly and popped over a few times to compare building progress and on occasion I've offered him a cup of tea. He has mostly popped over when DH has been at work as that's when the builders are there. He has always hugged me a bit too tightly when he said hello -(me -45 yo mum of 3) but I put it down to being friendly and perhaps cultural differences..I took in a parcel for his builders on Friday after his builders had left and texted him to let him know I had his parcel and would give it to his builders on Monday. Saturday morning early - I get a knock on the door and he is there to get his parcel - but then he went to give me a hug and squeezed my bottom tightly .. I jumped back in shock and he pretended like nothing had happened. I feel really uncomfortable now but don't know how to play it from here.. AIBU to address it with him when I see him next or just try and avoid him.. I obviously don't want to sour neighbourly relations before they have even moved in and he is super friendly-could it have been an innocent mistake? Any advice would be appreciated.. ps: I've told DH who asked if I wanted him to speak to him but I'm not sure..

He's an old perv and tbh I'd come down like a ton of bricks.on him to teach him a short sharp lesson. I'd actually register it on none emergency line, and then have your DH talk to him.and let him know. I'd also text him myself explicitly stating that you have taken action due to the unwarranted, unwanted sexual touching he exposed you to and you wish to no longer converse with him via text, telephone email or in person going forward.

Don't be scared of his being your neighbours, it's.common for a victim to want to avoid escalation but registering the incident with police will lay a foundation so any further issues there'll be evidence.

He'll have been doing that and getting away with it all his life the grim little man.

This is not down to you!
This is him.
You know nothing about this man.
Familiarity is so dangerous, as in, you ‘know’ someone because you recognise them/live beside them/see them around. You know nothing about him.
But he has shown you what he is about!
Do not do nothing.
That is what he is banking on.
Do not go along with his plan.
Address this, with your husband is probably best and have Nothing to do with him again. No friendly waves/chats/parcels/neighbourliness - nothing.

He knows what he did.
He played on your politeness/kindness
Fuck that, do not let him treat you that way, bring it out into the open, the shame is his!!!
I am sorry this happened to you.
Address this straight away though and keep your distance from this creep 💗

A thorough creep. Oh, and the tight hugs are so he can feel your breasts against his chest. Bleurghhh.

One of my DC takes part in an activity run by a man who constantly seeks me out “for a hug” every time he sees me. At first I thought he was just a tactile individual but I then realised he doesn’t hug any other parent. I began to feel extremely uncomfortable around him as he also makes very suggestive comments. Today I went to pick up my DC from the activity and this man made a bee line for me again with his arms open for a hug. I put my hands up, said NO loudly and repeated it as he still attempted to hug me. He looked annoyed and made a nasty comment about me being unfriendly and I said I don’t care, I do not wish to hug you. A couple of the other parents looked really shocked (he is quite an intimidating person and no-one really ever argues with me). I fortunately won’t need to see much more of him as I’m moving my DC to a similar activity run elsewhere (by a woman).

I honestly don’t care if I sounded rude. Women are socialised from childhood into this ‘be kind’ bullshit and encouraged to be polite and not hurt people’s feelings which is why we end up in all kinds of uncomfortable situations. Men like your neighbour and the man I just described know this and thrive on targeting women for that very reason. Tell him to fuck off if he comes near you again.

This. He's being wholly inappropriate. Avoid.

No need to wave to a pervert. Why should she be polite to him?

OP, Just avoid as much as you can and call him out if he tries to be overfamiliar. The hugs were odd anyway as you clearly don't know him well so no reason to give one.

Having contact for neighbours is standard isn’t it? Some of mine I have numbers, some use Facebook messenger

Very weird behaviour he is a creep. Put boundaries in place asap.
I've lived nextdoor to our neighbours for over 20 years and have never hugged them. Male or female ones.

Don’t worry about souring relations he’s already done that and not given it a thought.
I would completely ignore him in future

He's a fucking sex pest and this kind of behaviour has never been acceptable.

Keep him at maximum distance from now on. He groped you and is no longer welcome.

I came here to say this too I have never hugged a neighbour

and am friendly with mine…he is crossing a boundary and knows what he is doing !

I had my neighbour tell me he fancied me (similar age gap and we're both married). I said nope that's not ok. I ended the conversation and then he messaged me to say sorry but it's true. I told him I didn't care if it was true he shouldn't have said it. It was out of order. Now whenever I see him I say hi because I don't believe I should have to be awkward on my own road but I walk on and never ever stop for a chat. If there's anything that needs discussing I send DH.

I would tell DH and say from now on any planned interaction is done by him. Any spontaneous interaction you say hello and walk on. If he tries to engage you in conversation think of a one sentence way of explaining that his behaviour was not OK and there will be no more of it.

I find the word nope softens no but makes it clear it's a boundary.

If there are possible 'cultural differences' @Overnightoats1 then please do take up your husband's offer and let your husband have a word with him. I have had issues like this mostly with Latin and Mediterranean men, sometimes with South Asian men, of my own age, and also with older men of any background, including white British. Age in itself can be a kind of cultural difference, anyway.

Unfortunately, your choice may be between seeming 'taken' or 'available'.

Fuck the patriarchy. But sometimes it is easiest to take a short cut.

could it have been an innocent mistake?

Does your bottom move randomly around your body? If so, did it happen to be somewhere unexpected such as your shoulder when he grabbed it?

Of course not.

So how could it have been an innocent mistake?

Never open your door to him. Read The Gift of Fear.

He spoiled the relationship, testing the waters with a hug before the grope.
Tell him that he is not welcome to come to your home ever again, hopefully he sells the property.

This is sexual assault - it’s unwanted sexual contact.

i would avoid him - if he comes again and your husband is not there - step back and put your arm up to indicate you are not comfortable with any contact. If he tries to touch you say loudly, ‘please dont, I do not want you to’.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and was not a mistake.

Having said that, I am at a loss to understand how you are on hugging terms with such a new neighbour? Surely hugging is for family and friends?

This is so uncomfortable OP I really feel for you as he’s violated boundaries in an extreme way. And abused your being neighbourly & helpful. I agree with getting DH to deal with him solely which I know might not be always practical or easy, but a message that this creep needs. I’d feel uncomfortable around him esp on my own & second getting cameras etc & some form of security. Awful that you should have to, or be made to feel that way. Don’t let him reel you into any impromptu conversations or anything just head down smile & wave loudly rushing off to such & such saying to contact DH if he needs to. I’d make sure DH isn’t overly inviting or accommodating to him. Good he’s willing to say something & not worried about repercussions too much (as he should be).

Rancid, groping pervert. Next time he “pops over” tell him if he ever touches you again, you’ll break his fucking arm. I had to do that once. Was very effective.

Oh my

Sorry op this is gross and he is a revolting pervert. Of course it wasnt innocent.

If it was me id be cold as ice at the absolute minimum. Id never speak to him again.

I so wish the response emojis included a laugh! Me too, and never expected them to grab my ass either.

head down smile & wave

Sod that. Head up and glare.