For being a bit shocked by my new neighbour

[Overnightoats1]

For a bit of background- we are currently doing some building work on our house and our soon to be new neighbour has knocked down the old house next door and is busy building a brand new house on the plot . We are still living in ours and he isn't until it's built . He is about 65-70 years old and has been very friendly and popped over a few times to compare building progress and on occasion I've offered him a cup of tea. He has mostly popped over when DH has been at work as that's when the builders are there. He has always hugged me a bit too tightly when he said hello -(me -45 yo mum of 3) but I put it down to being friendly and perhaps cultural differences..I took in a parcel for his builders on Friday after his builders had left and texted him to let him know I had his parcel and would give it to his builders on Monday. Saturday morning early - I get a knock on the door and he is there to get his parcel - but then he went to give me a hug and squeezed my bottom tightly .. I jumped back in shock and he pretended like nothing had happened. I feel really uncomfortable now but don't know how to play it from here.. AIBU to address it with him when I see him next or just try and avoid him.. I obviously don't want to sour neighbourly relations before they have even moved in and he is super friendly-could it have been an innocent mistake? Any advice would be appreciated.. ps: I've told DH who asked if I wanted him to speak to him but I'm not sure..

What's the name of the law when you can get a police background check on someone you are concerned about? Sarah's Law? I'd be doing that.

You need to cease all contact immediately! Be openly rude, ignore him if he tries to talk to you, and do not answer the door to him! He groped you and that’s not okay at all.

We’ve lived in the same house for 30 odd years and I don’t have our neighbour’s phone numbers! We get on fine - take each other’s bins out when people are away, have a convivial chat if we happen to be outside at the same time, but we don’t need to phone each other!

Thanks so much everyone! Your comments have been really helpful in cementing what I felt to be true- and my uneasiness over yesterday morning is justified.
We have a really wonderful road and have a road WhatsApp group which is how we all have each other's phone numbers. During Covid - we all helped get groceries for the elderly on our road and when a neighbour's wife passed away recently- we had a rota of meals to support him- it's a cul-de-sac so all the kids play on their bikes etc and we all know our close neighbours quite well. It's generally a great place to live..
He has owed the property for about 10 months or so but has only just started his build in the last 8 weeks. (Ours started late last year.) We both had challenges in planning where we needed the neighbours onside so have had quite a few conversations in the past regarding plans etc but nothing more than that. I'm naturally quite friendly and chatty but have definitely not given anything more than helpful neighbour vibes- that much I'm 100% sure about.

No. It’s not her fault.

Agreed. No need for politeness or any contact at all with someone that has sexually assaulted you.

I am a friendly person but I don’t hug people I don’t know well because I am. Or a weirdo!

I’m 59 and post menopausal and have far less tolerance for that sort of shit, I’d have told him he was out of order and I’d have asked him to leave and never come back. He knew he was wrong and crossing boundaries, my dad is 84 and he knows it, someone younger than him certainly knows it. You say you don’t want to sour neighbour relations, he’s already done that.

but then he went to give me a hug and squeezed my bottom tightly

Honestly I think the biggest pervs are old men. They get to a certain age and then start doing things they bloody well know is unacceptable, seeing exactly how much they can get away with in their last decade or two of life under the guise of being a friendly old man, and if you point it out, then Oh Dear! It's all just a big misunderstanding!

It's him that cause this situation, not you. Remember that OP.

I'd let your DH speak to him, I think. Not because you can't handle it, but he's more likely to respect that and keep his filthy hands to himself. And be civil but quite cool with him going forward obviously.

You HAVE to be assertive here. He’s crossed a line. He’s interpreting your friendliness and cups of tea as a bit of an invite. Plus he’s hugged you a few times and you’ve allowed it. It’s time to shut down. Back off. And as another person said. Be cold as ice. And never available to chat.

A Sarah's Law check sounds like a good idea.

https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/information/v1/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/how-to-apply/

He sexually assaulted you, kind neighbourly relations needs to be the last thing on your mind. I’m so sorry that happened. When you next see him, be clear to him that that was completely unacceptable and do not hug him again- step back and say no .

OP, I'm also someone who is naturally chatty and friendly. Most of the time it serves me well, but there are some men who will take anything as a come-on. Recently our plumber asked me out even though he knew full well I had a husband - he'd even mentioned his girlfriend several times while we were chatting. And I've had other situations like that in the past.

DH said I should be more stern and corporate going forward. To be clear, he wasn't blaming or criticising me; he knows what I'm like and that it's all innocent on my side, but he seemed to think that dialing it down would help. But I find that really sad - I don't want to be stern and corporate, I like being chatty and friendly!

Sorry this happened to you OP, I'm angry on your behalf.

I can never understand why people here are so worried about souring "neighbourly relations". The less I see of these people the better. My grandmother had exactly the right cool middle class British way of being polite but keeping people at arm's length.

He’s just going to deny it if asked,

from this moment onwards don’t deal with him directly any more - that means no more contact, don’t be alone with him, get your husband to communicate if necessary but realistically if you refuse his parcels and stop inviting him in, there won’t be much to communicate with him about. You have to put yourself first instead of keeping up a neighbourly facade

I wouldn't be "addressing it" with him. I would ignore him when I was out and if he knocked on the door I'd say something along the lines of "Get lost, you sad, old pervert. You aren't welcome here." and shut the door in his face. I would also be sure to tell any other women in the neighbourhood whom I was on speaking terms with what he had done so they could avoid him themselves.

He knows what he did. He has no regard for you. He should not be protected.

neighbours phone numbers, neighbour WhatsApp groups and hugs - fuck that shit, that’s my idea of hell!

Don't play his game, OP. Cut him dead.

I would keep my distance from him and let other neighbours know why.

Too right!😂

Well, some people have nice neighbours and get on with them. You can keep your zero community spirit areas. Nearly all the kids on my street went to the same school so I knew other neighbours due to that. People being a strong community actually means it's harder to guys like him to get away with it. He relies on anonymity and isolated people not speaking to one another.

If you are all friendly on the street you should group message the rest to say he’s always been a bit huggy and I thought he’s just friendly, but he squeezed my bum this week and that’s not friendly at all, dh is going to speak to him and I won’t be hugging him again. I thought I’d better share this in case other women are at the oh it’s awkward but he’s just friendly stage.

Get your husband to go round, with the instruction to hug him tightly and squeeze his bottom.

Never in my life had a neighbours number.
I would just knock their door......but thats a Mumsnet crime😁