Is it ok for men to be in the ladies loos if they need to assist a disabled wife?

[someoneelsesshoes]

Not sure if I’m unreasonable to have felt a bit strange about this.

I went to the ladies toilets in a garden centre and there was a man standing by the sinks. I immediately went to walk out as I thought I’ve mistakenly gone into the men’s. He then said sorry and said he was waiting for his wife. He was next to a zimmer frame which I assume was his wife’s.

I felt really strange about this but went into the loo as usual. I understand maybe his wife really needed help to get on/off the loo so dismissed it. She was still in the stall when I left. But when I left the loo I checked the disabled and it was open and ready to use (though maybe it was occupied when she needed it and it was an emergency).

I haven’t come across this before so not sure if we make this concession for male carers. I know disabled people need to be supported and maybe he’s the only one who can help her.

It wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. Especially as he explained his reason for being there.

I wouldn’t have it in me to care, other than thinking that it’s nice he’s stuck by her instead of leaving like so many men do!

So what should the couple have done?

I doubt that either of them wanted him to be in the ladies toilets, so I assume that the disabled toilet was occupied when they arrived. And if the women needs help getting on and off the toilet, I very much doubt that she'd want to ask a random stranger to pull her knickers down for her etc.

I very much doubt that a pervert would deliberately borrow a disabled woman so he could get access to the ladies toilets

This is Mumsnet. The man loved it because, like all men, he’s a filthy, depraved pervert.

She probably just needed the toilet and there was no quick option, I probably would feel a bit odd about it like you but just gone and used the toilet and left them too it, it is likely his wife didn't want him there either.

I wouldn’t care one bit

With dementia a sufferer will not necessarily be able to locate and use a toilet. I look after DH with dementia and have on occasion had to enter the gents. A bit uncomfortable but there is really no alternative. A surprising number of pubs and restaurants have no disabled facilities. I often check before booking anywhere.

I would expect them to use the disabled toilet.

I'm firmly against any men in the ladies loos, but if a man pushed the door open and called 'sorry ladies, I need to help my wife for two minutes", i wouldn't have any issue with that at all.
As long as he gives fair warning, doesn't just march in, and leaves as soon as possible.

When my MIL had dementia and was alive, FIL would wait outside and ask women going in to help her find her way out.
But it wasnt sustainable really. There came a point where she was unable to even pee.
But I think really if there is noone to help then of course someone needs to go in and help, male or female.

If accessible toilet is not available (I'd assume it wasn't free), sex of the disabled adult decides which toilet should be used. The opposite sex carer has similar kind of exception as a service dog - is allowed, but should be very well behaved/trained.

It differs from parents taking young children.

Hear hear

No it would not bother me but I might feel initially uncomfortable seeing a man I the woman’s toilet

I would also assume at the time his wife was unable To use the disabled toilet

No he shouldn't be in there, either disabled toilets or take her to the mens if she needs her husbands help, absolutely selfish and ridiculous to have a man in the ladies at all.

It would have made more sense to use the disabled toilet, but it may have been in use when they needed it.

This isn't a problem, all the toilets are in cubicles. It's no different to when there are signs up advising that both female and male staff members may clean the toilets, so people expect males may be in the ladies loos at times

No - absolutely not okay. Under no circumstances (except in a medical emergency) should a man or boy be in the female toilet.

Use your instinct's,if it felt off then walk away,if you believed him ok

I know so selfish to make sure his disabled wife could use the toilet. What a bastard!

I think they should have used the disabled toilets.

It would have to be a rather extreme need to not be able to wait 1 minute if the disabled cubicle was indeed occupied. It's obviously not impossible that she couldn't wait but I expect it was more a man thinking he's perfectly entitled to walk into a female toilets.

So you're saying this man insisted his disabled wife didn't use the disabled toilets because he wanted a perve at women washing their hands?
He wasn't trying to befriend women or getting in their face. He was waiting for his wife and was probably already awkward enough.

You first.

It might have been an emergency the woman had a zimmer frame perhaps she was absolutely bursting and she needed him,

There are many disabilities which mean you have urgency issues. This is complicated even more if you also have a physical disability as it will take longer to actually get onto the toilet.

Many disabled people need a lot more than a minute in the toilet because of their needs.

many people misuse the disabled toilet because it’s a bit easier for them.

There is a massive lacking of disabled facilities to start with.

Maybe instead of judging someone trying to care for their disabled spouse people should be campaigning for better disabled toilets and better education not to just nip into it because it’s closer!

Completely unacceptable.

The disabled toilet is designed for this assistance, hence the increased room.