To think 7yo deliberately hurting 2yo is not normal?

[Xante]

7yo SS has repeatedly hurt my 2yo DD. It’s not done in upset or anger, more play-fighting, but I feel it’s completely unacceptable. SS is generally a sweet boy who wants love and approval, but this is making me actively dislike him.

How can we deal with this?

Your post is a bit conflicting... is he doing it on purpose? Or is he play fighting (too rough)?

It’s not done in anger, but it is deliberate:

• when she was about nine months and in a bouncer, squeezing her legs so hard she had bruises, whilst laughing
• dancing with her and repeatedly pushing her over
• picking her up too much and deliberately dropping her on concrete

He never does it when he thinks I’m watching.

Could be jealousy or he just doesn't realise the two year old is too young for rough play. Talk to him and explain and give him lots of attention.

It IS completely unacceptable. The size difference between them at this age is huge and SS needs to be more careful and I don’t think play fighting is a good idea. There are other things they can do to spend time together where he won’t have an opportunity to hurt DD. Where’s their dad on this? Does he supervise them adequately? Does he take it seriously when DD gets hurt? How does SS react?

FFS keep him away from her.

It sounds very much like jealousy. Does he live with you full time?

Having seen this it’s just fucking nasty. I wouldn’t let them out of my sight and I’d come down on SS like a ton of bloody bricks. But again, where’s dad?

Jealousy!

That does sound like jealousy, he was the baby and only child now he has this interloper, it needs handling carefully, but he needs plenty of extra attention and big boy praise, a difficult situation.

That’s not normal - it’s awful. Dropping her on concrete? He needs psychiatric help.

Why aren't you protecting her from him?

He is clearly jealous, and that is understandable. But after the first incident he should never be left near the baby without you in arms reach again.

He is seven years old. The buck stops with you.

I want them to build a relationship, and she loves being around him, but it’s happening too many times to be accidental.

He has a younger sister at his mum’s too who apparently hates him, and his older sisters barely tolerate him, so he is often very excited to play with DD (and she is too).

I’ve noticed in other social settings, he’s very unaware of how to interact in a friendly way and invades other children’s space - tickling them or wrestling with them when they clearly don’t want it. He doesn’t have many friends.

I’m worried that if he acts like this barely out of my eyesight, what am I missing?

Psychopath.
It starts young.

You need to encourage him to be the big brother the protector and playmate and praise him for playing nicely with her, while at the same time making sure he can't hurt her accidentally on purpose. It sounds like he has a lot to cope with siblings in different places that don't get on with him (do they ever hurt him accidentally on purpose?), so that is his normal, it's not surprising he's confused and jealous.

He mostly lives at his mum’s, as do his older sisters. DD lives with us full-time obviously. I do think he’s jealous sometimes (he moans that she has more toys) but when they’re here, they all get 121 attention, they all have individual hobbies and clubs, and bedrooms to their taste, and read to, helped with homework and so on. I don’t think that’s enough for him but there’s no way to give him more without taking time from his older sisters.

He’s done it again today (I was getting something from the larder and DP having a cigarette outside so they were unsupervised for maybe three minutes) and been shouted at by me, told off by his dad, sent to his room, made to apologise and had his allowance docked.

I don’t think he intends to hurt her so much as gets carried away and thinks it’s fun? But there’s obviously a huge size and strength difference between them.

I don’t think he intends to hurt her so much as gets carried away and thinks it’s fun? But there’s obviously a huge size and strength difference between them.

See I disagree. I think if it only happens when you're not in the room that it IS intentional.

It’s not normal, sorry.
I’d be looking into therapy options. It’s not just about your baby girl; I think he probably has issues around the family set-up too.

And you need to STOP leaving them together unsupervised.

Do you think you’re trying to give him the benefit of the doubt too much? ‘He gets carried away and thinks it’s fun’ etc. surely he knows dropping a baby deliberately onto concrete could be extremely serious? How are his energy levels? Does he play sports? Do you really think he has overgrown puppy energy and doesn’t know his own strength? Or it’s more malicious? Sounds like the latter to me? I wonder if he’d benefit from structured sports or martial arts where you absolutely cannot go around tickling people or wrestling them just because you want to.

Don't let your daughter out of your sight.

He is hurting her whenever he thinks you arent looking.

Stop calling it play or telling yourself he doesnt mean harm.

He may be jealous. It needs dealing with.

His dad should spend lots of time with him 1:1 and try to get to the bottom of this.

This isn't play fighting. This is deliberately inflicting pain and doing it when you're not looking so he can get away with it.
I'd be extremely concerned.

Stop leaving them unattended EVEN FOR THREE MINUTES! It takes seconds to kill. One wrong punch or push and it's over.

And yes, it is deliberate. He enjoys inflicting pain. I really, really hope you don't have any pets OP.

He has a younger sister at his mum’s too who apparently hates him, and his older sisters barely tolerate him
There's a very big reason they hate him - he probably hurts them too, pinching and pulling hair is the usual go to on bigger kids. Your DD doesn't love him, it's appeasement. You are teaching her that anger and pain being inflicted is normal in a "loving" relationship. It doesn't bode well for her choice of adult partners. Protect your daughter.

Separate now. Keep your child safe. Dad can visit at your place only without stepson.

His dad needs to have him assessed and into therapy ASAP.

I would have your child in for a physical. There might be injuries you have missed.

He's actively harming your much younger child. This will likely escalate if you don't do something now.

Re-home any pets.

These examples are horrific. Deliberately dropping your dd on concrete would be enough for be to seriously question whether I’d want him anywhere near my child.

Either NEVER allow ss near your child alone, or get you and your child a long way from him. I wouldn’t want SS anywhere near my child, and it’s definitely not normal.

Jealousy may be the reason, but it’s not an excuse, and you need to put your child’s safety first. This is serious, really serious, and don’t let anyone fob you off, using excuses.

You clearly think it's not normal as you are drip feeding.

Unsure why you're leaving them alone together if it's been happening for 2 years.