To think 7yo deliberately hurting 2yo is not normal?

[Xante]

7yo SS has repeatedly hurt my 2yo DD. It’s not done in upset or anger, more play-fighting, but I feel it’s completely unacceptable. SS is generally a sweet boy who wants love and approval, but this is making me actively dislike him.

How can we deal with this?

Whilst I agree family therapy could be useful for him, his mum would never agree to it, and he spends the majority of his time in her household. From what I know, the rules and expectations are very different in his two houses.

I have suggested play therapy at school to his mum in the past, to help him with social interactions. She said no.

I’ve spoken to DP again about it tonight and he’s going to raise it with their mum (but expects to be told SS is a normal, boisterous boy) and with the school again. He agrees DD and SS are to be kept separate unless closely supervised, and that SS is not to touch DD. I feel sorry for her because she loves her brother but it’s not safe.

He has a sports club which we take him to, but he does nothing at his mum’s. If we had him more I’d sign him up to martial arts; he’d love it.

He’s not made any friends at the sport club despite going for the past three years, and when I watch him interact with his teammates, I can see how he invades their space and is too physical with them.

I know he is only 7, but what you said sounds very concerning. Your number one priority is your daughter and ensuring she is protected and safe from potential harm.

I agree. After centring his needs all weekend over hers because he’s the neediest child and I feel sorry for him because of his constant attention seeking, and then him behaving like this, I feel like I’ve let her down. But it’s not simple. One way or another he’ll always be in her life.

Separating isn't going to solve the issue. Dad will still end up with all his kids at his house at the same time.
And only one set of eyes to watch him and the 3 girls.

The boy needs support. He's dealing with a lot of stuff, gone from being the youngest to having younger siblings on both sides in a relatively short period of time.

Without judgement, this response says so much. I really think you need to let go of the idea theres nothing actually wrong with him & he isnt malicious - evidently, he is. Constant pushing, dropping on concrete - isnt normal. He is 7 years old, he knows what good behaviour is - its all intentional.

My thought is that he is craving attention any way possible & gets more from bad behaviour towards siblings so thats what he does. He must have no boundaries at his other home so i'm sure very confusing for him if such violence towards other kids is allowed or at least not reprimanded, its his go-to play.

He needs an assessment at his GP, a behavioural plan at school if he struggles with all friendships too. Id guess there is something neurological (adhd/autism) going on. Things could be put in place to help him, it wont improve otherwise.

Yes; DP is going to speak to the school again.

He has a lot of potential and I think if he was being raised in one home, with set boundaries and expectations and regular attention, he’d probably be completely fine. He’s so keen to get praise and attention and I think you’re right that violence between children is normal in his other house. I worry that he’ll end up seeking validation in the wrong places sooner than we realise, just to get attention.

I’m not sure I agree it’s neurodiversity so much as learned behaviour as a result of his environment, but do think perhaps school intervention could help.

This is not normal at all. I agree with PP that you can’t allow DSS access to DD unless you are there to prevent further injury or distress to her. She needs to be your priority.

This
you need to protect your daughter against this child he sounds pure evil!
I wouldn’t be having him in the house and I’d tell your partner he will have to make alternative arrangements to see him. Your priority HAS to be your daughter here even if it costs you your relationship she should be your number one priory and after reading your bullet pointed list of stuff he’s done why is he STILL coming anywhere near her?
id have lost my shit a long time ago

I agree. Also the lack of social awareness, lack of friends and incessant talking. Schools often miss asd/adhd so I wouldn't put weight on their opinion personally.

You can’t take your eyes off them. Don’t trust him for even a second.

The majority of the time they do play nicely. SC aren’t here that often and it’s very rare that they’re not being directly supervised.

I did come very close to losing my shit, to be honest. Very close. I screamed at him. But when I spoke to him about it a few hours later, he was just full of excuses and distraction and I don’t think it had any impact at all.

DP is speaking to their mum and the school. I am going to ensure we’re out more when SC are here, and that DD doesn’t leave my sight. I’ve backed out of a family holiday; I’ll take DD somewhere just us two instead. I think DP knows how serious I am.

I’d be very nervous about this I have to say - you’ve had all this happen which is a huge red flag, next time it could be a lot more serious then questions from on-call SW in A&E have to be answered (I know this as I do some shifts in our A&E as extras on reception)

It maybe jealously or there could be an underlying issue

at least your partner knows your serious - I’d be calling his bluff and saying you’re going to stay with mum/family member/friend EVERY time that child comes over and that you don’t wish to see him - there’s an argument it’s your home too and you shouldn’t have to go but unless you say child isn’t welcome there because of this appalling behaviour and your partner has to go to his parents/ex partners house to visit I would be honest as to exactly why - I’m not sure what else you can do.

My kids are my world as I’m sure your daughter is yours and I wouldn’t be having this at all.

Iv 3 adhders full siblings who could not be left alone togther under 10 years of age (or until they started medication).

House rules help massively. We had them on a big board on kitchen for all kids.
There was no play fighting, roughhousing or any interaction physical like that of any kind as it went too far and they didn't have limits.

Lots emphasis on kind and gentle hands.

Don’t take this lightly the kids shouldn’t be left unsupervised

How often do they see their dad as you say her they aren't here that often? Do you mean coming to your house or just in general that he doesn't see his dad that often?

It sounds tricky if you don't see them often to be the ones to enforce the boundaries and if you don't have them at yours regularly it's easier for things to slip due to lack of consistency and routine.

@Xante is your daughter safe at night when he is in the house ? Can he get into her bedroom ?

that’s really bad. my 4 year old knows not to do stuff like that to her younger sibling. he sounds disturbed.

Please do keep your daughter safe. The hurting isn’t acceptable she could really get hurt

my brother and I are about the same age gap. As we got older we were told we went through a stage of ‘fighting like cat and dog’ it was bickering all the time nothing ever got physical

I’m sure he will have felt you screaming at him but just covers that up. Do you have a trampoline or something he can burn off energy on.

“But every time he hurts DD I want to banish him from her home forever.”

Please read this, taken from your own post. Once, an accident, but several times? How many times are you going to allow your child to be hurt, although I can see as the thread as progressed, your taken action. Eg separate holiday.

OP, you don’t se to be taking on board that everyone is saying this goes way beyond normal sibling jealousy. This is really worrying stuff. You absolutely cannot leave them alone together. Look up what Paris Bennett did to his baby sister.

OP, I have children with the same age gap (5 years, older boy) and I am probably at the relaxed end when it comes to physical play, but even I would be very concerned about your list of the 'accidents' which have happened between SS and your DD. My DC will often dance, wrestle and horse about together, but the older one instinctively knows to be gentle around his little sister, so there's rarely any harm or injury caused. Occasionally they lose their tempers and give each other a slap or two (and are told off), but that's as far as it goes. I've never really had any concerns that the older one would hurt the younger one, it's more likely that they'd take the game too far and someone would end up falling or with a banged head or fingers trapped in a door.

While siblings of all ages do have spats, most 7yos have an instinct for how to behave around younger ones and temper their behaviour, so I would definitely assume from your posts that there is something going on with DSS in terms of ND or social or developmental delays. It sounds a bit like he sees your DD as a doll to play with, to a certain extent, rather than a person in her own right, and that would worry me.

Op does he get much 121 time with his Dad?
Could Dad go get him mid week and do something with him?
Just the two of them, a parent / child martial arts class, a trip to the driving range, take him for a swim, anything just something that gets him away from all the girls.

It sounds like step-dad is trying be he probably wants his own Dad.

But I also wouldn't rule out something else going on ADHD/ASD but I also think this wee guy is craving time with Dad.