To think 7yo deliberately hurting 2yo is not normal?

[Xante]

7yo SS has repeatedly hurt my 2yo DD. It’s not done in upset or anger, more play-fighting, but I feel it’s completely unacceptable. SS is generally a sweet boy who wants love and approval, but this is making me actively dislike him.

How can we deal with this?

Can you find ways to separate them most of the time and watch like hawks the rest of the time? You and DH were in the house together; one of you could have been with DD, the other watching over SS and keeping him occupied. "Most of the time they play nicely" isn't safe enough. Someone has to be keeping an eye, prepared to spot the signs and step in fast.

Obviously we don't know if SS has any kind of condition but I do know parents (mainly of children with diagnosed ASCs) who really do have to do this kind of parenting. Some people are "helicopter parents" for a good reason!

I really do feel for you OP. There’s lots of hyperbole and hysteria on MN against SC and, more often, against stepmothers, and obviously things aren’t constantly, dramatically terrible all the time - there’s lots of loveliness in our blend. But there’s no denying that being an SM to SS, even an uninvolved one, is a low level constant grind and it drains me.
Things aren’t really any better since I posted. SS is no different but why would he be? He either doesn’t care about the people he hurts, or doesn’t care enough to stop. And obviously there is a lot of subconscious and underlying issues driving him, but ultimately his actions are his choice. He makes the choice (whether considered or not) to invade someone else’s space and take their things, or hurt them. I really am sympathetic to him as a kid who’s been through a lot, but still not be willing to let my kids take the hit any more. And, as pps have said, pretty much every perpetrator sat in a prison cell somewhere, at one time was a kid who’d been through a lot.
As I mentioned, I’ve essentially unblended - I take my lot (and sometimes SD) off and about, we have a lovely time, SS isn’t part of it. I’m constantly, painfully aware that it’s not a great solution, but there isn’t a great solution. So all I can do is try and do right by my kids and put them first for the first time in a long time. And honestly they are much happier, I’m much happier as I’m no longer expending the energy that should be theirs on just trying to cope with life with SS around. I feel like I’ve actually seen my kids and had some consistent time with them for the first time in literally years. And tbh SS doesn’t seem to care either, which helps. If I were you I’d use every other weekend as yours & DD’s time, take yourself off to a nice hotel for a night, take her swimming and have breakfast, or air bnb somewhere, to minimise crossover between your SS and DD. Yes it’s rubbish in terms of promoting relationships in the blend, but actually, as others have said, your DD is better off having less relationship with her half sibs but also free from the risk of ending up seriously injured.

It is normal for SS (and SDs) and that’s, essentially, the problem. They are allowed to be violent to each other in their other home, and SS is - perhaps due to trauma or neurodivergence or household expectations from their mum or whatever - unable to see a problem with it.

SDs have also had to be spoken to about being violent to SS too in the past. They aren’t violent any more (at our house anyway) but they can be very cutting and mean to him when not directly supervised.

DP is speaking to their mum and the school, we’ll be having (another) sit down family chat about boundaries and expectations, and I’ll be ensuring DD isn’t around SS unsupervised at all anymore. It’s a rubbish situation for everyone including her and him.

I agree with you and am pleased you’ve found a solution which works. Like you, I’d be sad to spend less time with the blended family all together, but it’s not worth the risk to DD.

What are your expectations for your SS when he’s 16 or 18+? I’ve had to make it clear to DP that whilst I’m happy to financially and emotionally support SC whilst they’re children, that will stop when they’re adults, and if he needs to house uneducated, unemployed adult SC then he’ll be doing that alone. It’s not great for our relationship.

Op I also have a big age gap to deal with, one thing that did help at that age was swimming.

I really struggled to find things we could all do together.

Have you put an explicit moratorium on the "playfighting" between SS and DD?

You could use a "social story" style to explain this to SS: SS enjoys wrestling games with his sisters; SS is 7 years old and DD is 2; SS is a big boy and DD is a very little girl; DD is too little to wrestle with him; they can play (example of other games) instead; then he can have fun playing with DD and everyone is safe and happy.

(You might need this social story for DH too! )

This is on of the places where a diagnosis can come in useful; even a highly intelligent child with an ASC might need to have this spelled out in a very explicit concrete way. Though it can work for other children too.

Op just another thought and I'm sure you do this anyway but praise,
It can be so easy to get into a negative way of thinking that we forget to praise, try and find things to praise him for.
Reinforce positive behaviour.

How do you think he would react if you said - can you look after sister whilst I make coffee - actually make him responsible for her, obviously it would be a very quick flick the switch and watch from the door.
Then obviously tons of praise 👏 for looking out for wee sis.

I agree about rewarding him around DD but telling him to "look after" DD only works if you are sure he understands what that means. It might mean "use any means necessary to stop her doing something it just occurrred to me she shouldn't do". It's safer to tell him something specific to do with/for her!

I’m not sure I want to introduce the concept that he’s in charge to her, to be honest. I fully trust SDs but I don’t want her to think he has any authority over her.

I’d be fuming if a 7 year old did this to my 2 year old.

You and your husband need to find a way to address this sensibly. You need to figure out where this behaviour is coming from. If it’s jealousy, you need to make him feel secure and frame things in a way that encourages him to see that he and your dd are allies and not rivals.

What is his behaviour like at school?

I don’t think it’s because of jealousy, I think it’s poor social skills, and a lack of understanding of appropriate physical boundaries or respect for others’ personal space.

He’s the same at school and has no friends because of it.

To be honest I think it would take an experienced professional to pick this apart. There are non-standard presentations of autism and presumably ADHD too, and the complex and messy family situation must be very hard for him and even harder if he does have any of these ND issues.

It's difficult for us to say "well he does this or that so it must/can't be autism" because no-one has all the symptoms, the signs are so patchy and even contradictory. There's a memorable moment in Charlotte Moore's "George and Sam" where she wails "but he can do it, he just doesn't want to" and the child-psych says "that's the point - at his age he should want to".

SS could be taking out some aggression and misery on your DD. That can't be allowed to happen. Whatever the underlying reason another boundary that you can assert is he should not be picking her up, ever, full stop. If he is looking for rough and tumble play then a judo class would be a safe structured way to give him that kind of physical contact and also start teaching physical boundaries. Maybe his Dad could facilitate that for him?

You asked about benefits of diagnosis. One benefit is that it's easier to manage problem behaviour if you know which deficits are underneath it. Then you can work within his limits and help him develop beyond them. You can have realistic expectations and you and DH can cover the gaps. Otherwise it's harder to come up with an effective parenting strategy.

(Having said all that I do understand that keeping DD safe has to be your top priority and you might not be able to help SS)

Ah, I see. If this is an overall problem then maybe think about using social stories to help him understand consequences to other people.

Have school referred him to educational psychology or anything?

That sounds like a child who is desperate to talk but noone wants to talk to him so he doesn't know how to hold a conversation.

Yes, that’s exactly how I see it. When he’s with us for extended periods of time he calms down and can focus much better.

No, they’ve had social stories in the past (YR and Y1) for “gentle hands” and he’s been in trouble for fighting in Y2, but now he’s Y3 and just doesn’t seem to interact with any other kids in break times.

Another joyful ‘blended’ family tale on Mumsnet.

I know his problems are not your main concern (that's DD) but I can't help feeling sorry for him.

Is there anything else your DH can do for him to try to poke the school into action to get help for him? It's very hard if his mother doesn't agree but presumably DH has some input? Help for SS could benefit DD too in the long run.