Page 6 | To think 7yo deliberately hurting 2yo is not normal?

Xante · 2026-05-10T14:50:16+00:00

7yo SS has repeatedly hurt my 2yo DD. It’s not done in upset or anger, more play-fighting, but I feel it’s completely unacceptable. SS is generally a sweet boy who wants love and approval, but this is making me actively dislike him. How can we deal with this?

TeaPot496 · 11/05/2026 10:58

Nearly50omg · 11/05/2026 10:57

Why haven’t you and his father sorted out psychiatric referral for him by now?!! He’s 7!!! What happens when he’s 17 and he’s doing the same thing but worse as you’ve written it off as “play” and other crap?

Yeah.. I don't want to be alarmist but there was a boy in our school like this. He's in prison now for child abuse.

Nearly50omg · 11/05/2026 10:59

Xante · 11/05/2026 10:18

Maybe I haven’t represented it well, but often, it’s not like a normal conversation where two people listen and respond to each other. It’s incredibly repetitive and I don’t think he’s really aware of what I’m saying or what he’s saying, he’s just saying words.

SDs didn’t communicate like this at 7, nor do my friends’ children, nor does DD and she’s only just learning to speak. All children talk nonsense sometimes but this is almost every conversation with SS. It’s a struggle to get him to read a page of a book (even though he is a competent reader) because he’s so easily distracted.

I do wonder if it’s symptomatic of ADHD.

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Please don’t be so offensive!! Having psychopathic behaviour does NOT come from been ND!!!

StillAGoth · 11/05/2026 11:01

His life is unstructured and inconsistent though and like I’ve said repeatedly, I feel sorry for him and can see why his environment is making him behave like this. I am worried for him because I can see his life ending up badly if he can’t form appropriate relationships or focus, and I don’t want that for him.

This is why the adults need to work together to support him. To create the structure and consistency he needs to build those relationships and thrive.

If his parents simply won't then it is very unfortunate for him but there is little you can do about it on your own and you obviously would need to prioritise your daughters safety and her own developmental needs.

BudgetBuster · 11/05/2026 11:27

Xante · 11/05/2026 10:37

It’s not insane or utter chaos; something like 50% of children’s parents break up before they turn eighteen, many of which will go on to have other children. Seeing family during holidays and using babysitters isn’t child abuse. He’s loved in both homes.

His life is unstructured and inconsistent though and like I’ve said repeatedly, I feel sorry for him and can see why his environment is making him behave like this. I am worried for him because I can see his life ending up badly if he can’t form appropriate relationships or focus, and I don’t want that for him.

I don’t see what more I can do personally to improve his life whilst prioritising DD’s safety though. Realistically I need to take a big step back from him now, to put her first.

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Yes, I am perfectly aware that families seperate and new families formed. I am a stepmother myself.

By chaos I mean: 7 years of age and his parents have seperated, 2 homes inconsistent, new stepmother, new stepfather, new sibling at mums, new sibling at Dads, sees some siblings at one house, sees other siblings at another house, isn't allowed interact with his siblings at moms, different rules everywhere. He's 7. That's an awful lot of upheaval in his life. He seriously cannot know whether he is coming or going on any given day.

Not sure why you are talking about child abuse... nobody mentioned that 🙄

I never said you personally could do anything now either... the kid will never have the structure he needs.

Original poster

Xante · 11/05/2026 12:08

StillAGoth · 11/05/2026 10:52

I did query ADHD with the school - via DP - and we had to do a questionnaire, as did his mum. It was decided he didn’t have it.

I do wonder if it’s symptomatic of ADHD.

OK.

The questionnaires have been completed and submitted and the professionals have decided, based on these, that he doesn't meet the threshold for further investigation into ADHD at this stage. That doesn't mean he definitely doesn't have it. But it does mean that it's not something that is going to be pursued at this stage unless you pay to go private, when they still might decide he doesn't meet the threshold for assessment.

What you do have though is a child who is living in less than ideal circumstances, whose life is chaotic for a 7 year old.

Before you pin your flag to the mast of ADHD and decide its that and nothing else, I would strongly recommend that you get real life professional advice and support for him and yourselves in terms of parenting a child who has experienced trauma.

There are certain traits of adhd and autism that are mimicked in trauma responses in children. A lot of parents feel more comfortable with the idea that their child is autistic or has adhd rather than trauma, for exanple, because the latter carries a sense of 'blame' or responsibility. And not all of those children will have been exposed to trauma so it's not likely to he an explanation anyway. But your stepson has and you feel yourself that he's a product of his environment.

What you have described in terms of the repetitive conversation could, for example, be an example of him trying to keep himself 'alive' in the conversation. To know that he is still 'there' and can be seen and recognised by other people. It's how he knows he exists. Because while you're talking to him, he can't be invisible.

To give you an example, my son was a similar age when his sister was born in quite traumatic circumstances. Within a few weeks, his grandad and his wife had a child who was very ill and had a number of significant disabilities. For about 6 - 12 months, my 7 year old son asked me in all seriousness if he was a ghost now or invisible because his parents both disappeared into hospital with his sister and then his grandad disappeared as he and his wife became understandably consumed with their own baby and putting things into place for her. This was despite his dad and I only being away from him a for a relatively short time and other family members being brilliant in their support. But he did effectively lose a grandad who had been very involved in his life up to that point.

You say his mum isn't supportive. In reality, the whole situation has been created by the decisions the adults around him have made. His parents split up, you and his dad were in a serious enough relationship for him to have a half sibling at 5, he's been living between two houses, there are parenting issues at home with the older siblings and his relationships and there is talk of isolating him further within the family (keeping him away from the toddler). I'm not saying this to blame anyone but there is responsibility on all parts for this situation and in terms of resolving it.

If you approached it with his mum in a way that meant she felt included and where the focus was on supporting the child rather than blame on the adults, do you think she is likely to be less defensive about her little boy being criticised? Would she be more likely to engage?

What have school noticed? What can his school offer in terms of pastoral support? Have his parents had a meeting with school so that everyone understands what is happening for this little boy? What have they said?

I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said. Personally I think it’s more of a trauma response / learned behaviour than inherent neurodivergence, though I’m no expert. I’ve done a lot of reading about ADHD and early childhood trauma to try to understand. I think he’s had insecure attachments from the go, which has damaged his ability to form relationships. When his parents split, DP was depressed and his mum was busy with her new man, and SC would bounce between the homes spending up to 3 weeks in each (and with family on her side), which, now I have my own DC, I realise is a huge amount of time to be apart from either parent.

I think the repetitive conversation is a way to ensure he’s got my attention - he’s not speaking because he cares about what’s being said, just to feel heard.

Unfortunately his mum believes his behaviour is normal/perfect and will not listen to our concerns, because she thinks it’s a criticism of her and her parenting. We have raised countless issues in the past (mostly over education and health) and she’s refused to engage. If he was with us more, I would encourage sports clubs and after school clubs, host heavily supervised play dates with kids he liked from those, role play social situations with him, give him a daily routine with early bedtimes and low screen time, give him responsibilities and rewards, and so on. He is very responsive and wants to do well, but he needs consistency. I can’t do that whilst he’s at another house.

He’s rarely disruptive at school so frankly I think they don’t care that he spends play times alone and lessons staring out of the window (not the very overstretched education system’s fault).

I agree that all parent figures need to work together to provide a stable, consistent approach, but if the home where he spends 75% of his time won’t, what can we do, that we’re not already doing?

I can’t continue to put DD in harm’s way to try to prioritise him and give him the experience of a stable family every other weekend.

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SpringIsTgeBest647 · 11/05/2026 12:49

He sounds like my BIL, DH's younger brother. He was the 3rd child, out of 4. He was an easy baby and then from age 3 until 13 he was absolutely horrific. My FIL had to parent him and focus on him 100% of the time, while MIL handled the other 3 children!!

His siblings couldn't stand him.

He was constantly hurting the others. Always disguised as "play". When that stopped working, he started hurting himself and blaming the others. One time he threw himself down the stairs and claimed his sister did it. His poor sister got grounded for a month and had lots of stuff taken away, only for him to admit years later that she had not done it, he had indeed lied.

It had a very negative effect on the whole family.

He chilled out at 13 when he threw himself into gaming, school and reading (he couldn't make a lot of friends, didn't really like people).

He has turned into a nice, yet odd adult. His siblings have all forgiven him, they're all adults and understand him now. He has been diagnosed as autistic age 30, which explained everything.

melodypondisasuperhero · 11/05/2026 12:56

This does not sound anywhere in the realm of normal. My 10 year old (granted older than 7, but 7 is far past the age of not completely understanding how not to hurt others) has never hurt my 1 year old deliberately and he would never rough house with her either. One time he accidentally bumped her head and honestly he cried way more about it than she did. Does SS show any remorse at all, does he feel bad once he’s realised that he’s hurt her?

Needspaceforlego · 11/05/2026 12:59

Op something else to remember he must only have been 1 when covid hit.
Masks everywhere. People in bubble 🫧. That at a very important time in his life for forming relationships really can't have helped.

But it sounds like he's okish in school because school tend to be consistent in their rules and structure.
The stuff hes lacking at home. Or is different in one house to the other.

StillAGoth · 11/05/2026 13:03

Xante · 11/05/2026 12:08

I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said. Personally I think it’s more of a trauma response / learned behaviour than inherent neurodivergence, though I’m no expert. I’ve done a lot of reading about ADHD and early childhood trauma to try to understand. I think he’s had insecure attachments from the go, which has damaged his ability to form relationships. When his parents split, DP was depressed and his mum was busy with her new man, and SC would bounce between the homes spending up to 3 weeks in each (and with family on her side), which, now I have my own DC, I realise is a huge amount of time to be apart from either parent.

I think the repetitive conversation is a way to ensure he’s got my attention - he’s not speaking because he cares about what’s being said, just to feel heard.

Unfortunately his mum believes his behaviour is normal/perfect and will not listen to our concerns, because she thinks it’s a criticism of her and her parenting. We have raised countless issues in the past (mostly over education and health) and she’s refused to engage. If he was with us more, I would encourage sports clubs and after school clubs, host heavily supervised play dates with kids he liked from those, role play social situations with him, give him a daily routine with early bedtimes and low screen time, give him responsibilities and rewards, and so on. He is very responsive and wants to do well, but he needs consistency. I can’t do that whilst he’s at another house.

He’s rarely disruptive at school so frankly I think they don’t care that he spends play times alone and lessons staring out of the window (not the very overstretched education system’s fault).

I agree that all parent figures need to work together to provide a stable, consistent approach, but if the home where he spends 75% of his time won’t, what can we do, that we’re not already doing?

I can’t continue to put DD in harm’s way to try to prioritise him and give him the experience of a stable family every other weekend.

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It sounds like you have your head pretty screwed on around this, tbh.

Unfortunately, your authority is minimal, isn't it?

Sad for your stepson, frustrating for you and potentially harmful for your daughter.

It's such a shame when parents let their own egos and insecurities get in the way.

user6791 · 11/05/2026 13:08

It does sound like normal jealously for an older kid. But yes you need to deal with it.

Balloonhearts · 11/05/2026 13:45

I wonder if it's a form of echolalia? I do think he sounds like there is something else in play here, not necessarily autism or adhd but there sounds to be something.

Original poster

Xante · 11/05/2026 13:59

Nearly50omg · 11/05/2026 10:57

Why haven’t you and his father sorted out psychiatric referral for him by now?!! He’s 7!!! What happens when he’s 17 and he’s doing the same thing but worse as you’ve written it off as “play” and other crap?

We have spoken to the school about a CAMHS referral; they don’t think he meets the criteria. Nor does his mum. I imagine trying to force a referral would mean CAFCASS intervention with DP being told he doesn’t have to see SS if he feels he can’t meet his needs, which would effectively sever the relationship. I don’t think this would be in SS’ best interests.

SDs are entering their teens soon. Once they’re deemed old enough to stay home alone (or babysit) I can’t imagine their mum will enforce or enable contact. All SC openly say they like being at their mum’s because she gives them more freedom on things like curfews and screens, so you can imagine where they’ll want to be as teens, especially as all their friends are near hers. So I expect we’ll see less and less of SC as the years progress anyway.

I do fear that, if SS really goes off the rails in his late teens, their mum will throw him out and expect us to house him. In that scenario DP and I would probably need to live separately.

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Original poster

Xante · 11/05/2026 14:00

StillAGoth · 11/05/2026 13:03

It sounds like you have your head pretty screwed on around this, tbh.

Unfortunately, your authority is minimal, isn't it?

Sad for your stepson, frustrating for you and potentially harmful for your daughter.

It's such a shame when parents let their own egos and insecurities get in the way.

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That’s it, it’s so sad for him and so frustrating for me and DP because SS does have so much potential. I have told DP I’m taking a step back from stepparenting to prioritise DD and he understands.

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TFImBackIn · 11/05/2026 14:37

I think what you should do is live separately from your husband but continue the relationship. I think his son should live with him for most of the week and your husband should start a regime of lots of exercise, no screen time, healthy food and a check up to see if he has ADHD. This boy will end up not getting any exams, mixing with the wrong people and going to prison - it's really clear that's what will happen. His mum will make your husband take him when he is a teenager and that's when he's the biggest threat to your daughter and to you, too.

I can see your husband won't want this but he knows your daughter will be well cared for by you and he can continue seeing you when his son is with his mum. He has a duty to his son to turn things around now.

Original poster

Xante · 11/05/2026 14:56

TFImBackIn · 11/05/2026 14:37

I think what you should do is live separately from your husband but continue the relationship. I think his son should live with him for most of the week and your husband should start a regime of lots of exercise, no screen time, healthy food and a check up to see if he has ADHD. This boy will end up not getting any exams, mixing with the wrong people and going to prison - it's really clear that's what will happen. His mum will make your husband take him when he is a teenager and that's when he's the biggest threat to your daughter and to you, too.

I can see your husband won't want this but he knows your daughter will be well cared for by you and he can continue seeing you when his son is with his mum. He has a duty to his son to turn things around now.

SC’s mum would never agree to SS living primarily with us or DP. We have asked to increase time before and it’s always a no. They live an hour and a half away in rush hour.

If SS’ mum threw him out as a teenager, DP and I would probably need to live separately then. But I don’t see the value in breaking up DD’s family home for no reason.

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TFImBackIn · 11/05/2026 15:07

It's not breaking up her home for no reason. Your husband has a duty to his son - he can see his future and this is the point where something can be done about it.

Tekknonan · 11/05/2026 15:18

I don't think he should be left alone with your DD, ever. This is not normal behaviour. He sounds like a deeply troubled child who has suffered some emotional neglect in those crucial early years. This can lead to the kind of damage that creates personality disorders. These need specialist treatment. They can't be 'cured' per se, but with help, children can learn to modify their behaviour.

But at the moment, he is a risk to your DD.

Original poster

Xante · 11/05/2026 15:24

TFImBackIn · 11/05/2026 15:07

It's not breaking up her home for no reason. Your husband has a duty to his son - he can see his future and this is the point where something can be done about it.

But he can’t choose to become his son’s primary carer. According to SS’s mum, there’s no issue with his behaviour and everything is fine. There is a court order in place. What exactly do you think would be gained by DP and I living separately? He wouldn’t see his son more than he does now.

I am going to ensure DD is never left alone with SS, and that will mean me and her spend fewer weekends and holidays with SC.

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BudgetBuster · 11/05/2026 15:34

Xante · 11/05/2026 15:24

But he can’t choose to become his son’s primary carer. According to SS’s mum, there’s no issue with his behaviour and everything is fine. There is a court order in place. What exactly do you think would be gained by DP and I living separately? He wouldn’t see his son more than he does now.

I am going to ensure DD is never left alone with SS, and that will mean me and her spend fewer weekends and holidays with SC.

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Which will cause even more confusion for the boy...

Original poster

Xante · 11/05/2026 15:35

BudgetBuster · 11/05/2026 15:34

Which will cause even more confusion for the boy...

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Which is better than DD getting physically hurt.

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BudgetBuster · 11/05/2026 15:37

Xante · 11/05/2026 15:35

Which is better than DD getting physically hurt.

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Yes but does absolutely nothing to help SS

Which btw is your partners duty.

How long are you together?

Original poster

Xante · 11/05/2026 15:45

BudgetBuster · 11/05/2026 15:37

Yes but does absolutely nothing to help SS

Which btw is your partners duty.

How long are you together?

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What exactly do you expect him to do, over what he’s done or is going to do already?

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BudgetBuster · 11/05/2026 15:54

Xante · 11/05/2026 15:45

What exactly do you expect him to do, over what he’s done or is going to do already?

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I don't expect anything 😂

I like how you swerved the other question.

Moonnstarz · 11/05/2026 15:56

Xante · 11/05/2026 08:43

I feel sorry for him too. I do think that with consistency and proper boundaries, he’d flourish. But unfortunately I’m not in a position to enforce it. We’d happily have him more but his mum wouldn’t agree.

I don’t think he has autism personally, I think he’s the product of his environment: little consistency or structure, far too much screen time, multiple caregivers from the start, and busy households. I do suspect ADHD.

An example conversation:

Me: please put your coat on, it looks like it might rain
SS: do you think it might rain?
Me: yes, so put your coat on
SS: is it going to rain today?
Me: I don’t know but the clouds are grey
SS: so you think it might rain?
Me: yes
SS: should I put my coat on?
Me: yes
SS: Oh! So do you think it’s going to rain today?
Me: please just put your coat on SS
SS: why?

And so on… It’s like he’s learnt that talking gets attention so he just speaks. I don’t get cross with him but it is very wearying. If he’s the same at school, as well as ignoring personal space and being too physical, I can fully see why other kids don’t want to play with him.

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That type of conversation is very typical of a child with autism in my class. Repetitive checking behaviour.

StrippeyFrog · 11/05/2026 16:00

Moonnstarz · 11/05/2026 15:56

That type of conversation is very typical of a child with autism in my class. Repetitive checking behaviour.

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Agree. That sounds exactly like the type of conversations I have with my autistic child. Also the lack of awareness of personal space and physical roughness to get attention.