To think 7yo deliberately hurting 2yo is not normal?

[Xante]

7yo SS has repeatedly hurt my 2yo DD. It’s not done in upset or anger, more play-fighting, but I feel it’s completely unacceptable. SS is generally a sweet boy who wants love and approval, but this is making me actively dislike him.

How can we deal with this?

It sounds like jealousy and that he struggles to find his place within either family. At his mum's house his siblings their don't want to know him and he is left out. Maybe his older sisters have treated him in a similar way.
It sounds good that DD wants to interact with him but that he lacks the skills to do so.

I would however be concerned that you are saying he is hurting her when he thinks you aren't looking and would be talking to your partner about how you are going to manage that (constant supervision, telling him you are aware of her being hurt).

Can you tackle the jealousy driving it? More 1-1 time with dad. V similar happened with relatives

You’ve posted this before? So it’s a long term issue that hasn’t resolved despite you having concerns over a prolonged period. This does not sound accidental and is a serious safeguarding concern.

What are you and his father now going to do to protect your DD?

He knows exactly what he is doing. Your husband needs to sort it out today. Do not allow him to be alone with her, be very mindful that he is much older than her and a plan needs to be put in place to keep her safe at night.

Of course this isn't normal. I wouldn't be leaving her unsupervised when he is in the house. I mean he is dropping a two year old on concrete. Your job is to protect your daughter before she ends up with a fractured skull or a broken arm rather than worrying about fostering a relationship with your stepson. He is not a sweet boy when he is hurting a child who is so much younger than him. My sons had a lot of sibling rivalry and they had a three year age gap and while they did squabble there is no way that the older one - who had been the only child and liked it that way - would have ever done the sorts of things you mention. It's no wonder his other sisters dislike him when he behaves like this.

My 2 year old sounds less violent with his 1 year old little sister - and they are like little chimpanzees constantly fighting. I can still largely trust him in the room with her for a minute (and frankly she is as violent back). It's super weird for a 7 year old to not be able to control themselves around a 2 year old.

No not normal. You can’t leave them together unsupervised.

Have you posted about this before? I remember the legs being squeezed?

I think pp saying stuff like 'it's just nasty' are simplifying it to much. It sounds like he has real issues and is really unhappy. Obviously number 1 is to never leave them unsupervised but I would definitely try to also dig deeper into what is actually going on with him to stand a chance of him improving. I can't imagine shouting and punishment actually helping in the long run.

Sounds like jealousy, have you tried giving the eldest more one to one attention.

Its interesting what you say about his social skills in other settings. He definitely has behaviour problems, whether it stems from ND or a psychiatric issue needs to be explored more. I suggest someone looks into this asap and tries to help him. In the meantime you need to protect your child and keep him away from her, let them play heavily supervised and hands off or not at all.

You have to be in same room as them at all time. Why was he alone long enough to give her bruises?

This is on you, op.

What does his father say about this behaviour OP? Is he just ignoring it, and hoping it will go away?

You really must stop leaving them alone in the same room together at all. Jealousy or not, it sounds dangerous and mean spirited to me.

If you go to get something then DD comes with you. Even if you just go to the toilet, she comes with you. Every time. No exceptions. End of story.

This is not normal behaviour and you are leaving her at his mercy to get injured. You are DD's parent. She relies on you to protect her. This is on you. You are her protector.

I don’t think he’s a psychopath. He’s seven, he’s had to code-switch between different houses and expectations for his whole life,and he’s struggling with appropriate behaviour with peers as well as his other sisters, who he regularly gets into scraps with too. For that reason I don’t think it’s just jealousy, and I don’t think it’s particularly premeditated, more that this is the way he plays and interacts as standard... Which is obviously completely unacceptable and unwelcome from everyone in his life, not just DD. I don’t think the issue is just with DD iyswim, but her safety is my primary concern.

DP backs me about it, but does think some level of roughhousing and accidents between children is normal. As a nerdy bookish only child it is alien to me and I accept maybe I am on one extreme.

The only time I’ve ever raised my voice to any of SC is on this matter (and once when one did something dangerous). It makes me incredibly angry. SS sulks then apologises, then goes home to his mum’s and I assume forgets all about it til next time.

Are any of the sisters he lives with his full siblings? If I am reading this right (considering there is no mention of sisters also coming to your house), this little boy cannot have spent much time with his actual father living with him. Who/where is the father of the younger sister?

His older sisters likely also come and go to their father/s. You say they dislike him - do they hurt him? Are they 'role modelling' that this is how to treat those smaller than him? Or does the father of his younger sister mistreat him when no one is looking?

His father lives with you, and yet another sister. Is he jealous of that?

It sounds as if the poor kid has never had any stability with either parent. Which is not to say that it is right that he is hurting your daughter. It sounds as if he needs some consistency and child therapy.

In the mean time, you need to never leave him alone with your daughter.

I’ve noticed in other social settings, he’s very unaware of how to interact in a friendly way and invades other children’s space - tickling them or wrestling with them when they clearly don’t want it. He doesn’t have many friends.

Is he autistic perhaps @Xante ? My DS1 def could not be trusted around his 3 year old younger brother. He loved him but just couldn't be trusted. We had to work massively on social skills with help from camhs. I couldn't leave the two of them alone for 1 minute because ds2s life depended on me always watching out. With the context you provided above it sounds like he could very well be autistic. Get him asessed (your dh should do this) and NEVER leave your dd alone with him.

From what you’ve said it does not sound unintentional at all. You need to stick to supervision 100% of the time that he’s near your DD. Has your DH asked the mum if there are any incidents like this with his other siblings? I would be looking at starting therapy for him tbh. It sounds like there’s something more going on than just sibling rivalry.

DP backs me about it, but does think some level of roughhousing and accidents between children is normal.

Not between a 7 yo and a 2 yo. This isn't a case of your partner backing you this is a case of needing to protect your daughter.

Your step son is 7. I teach 7 year olds and I've raised 7 year olds. The reality is that he could seriously harm your daughter. What he is doing is deliberate in that he is intending to be unkind and even hurt her but he won't be aware of the serious harm he could cause. Serious harm is likely to be completely unintentional but that won't matter once the damage is done.

You can't ignore this.

His two older sisters are full sisters. He then has a younger half-sister in each home. His parents split when he was a baby.

We do not have the kind of relationship with his mum where concerns could be raised without her perceiving it as a criticism and either lying or being defensive.

According to his sisters, he is kept apart from the other younger sister, who detests him. So I imagine he behaves similarly to her. It sounds like he is given more 121 attention than anyone else at that house, but that’s from his sisters’ perspective. From what I can work out, there’s a lot more fighting at that house between all the children and it’s generally tolerated rather than stopped and punished like it is here.

I would say more sociopath describes his behaviour. Whether it is or not a qualified expert would need to assess.
But it is not okay. OP please look up sociopaths in childhood.
And get qualified help.
And I would not accept roughhousing between a 7 year old boy and a 2 year old girl should be considered normal either.
Your DH has a role to play here. And that roughhousing is okay approach is not alright at all.
Please get help. DH or not.

I would not hesitate to remove that nasty little shit from my life, personally. Why should your daughter have to put up with him? You are not safeguarding her.

So you know he hurts her yet left them alone together because dh getting a smoke was more important. The priority is clear and messed up! A 7yo won’t care about docked allowance so that’s pointless as a punishment. I do think we read it a lot when parents move on and create their “perfect” second family, the dc from the first attempt that failed are seriously affected but expected to get on with it and be happy for the grown ups having new babies with new partners.

You said on your previous thread that you and your partner had agreed one be responsible for one child each and not to let them interact without one of you being there supervising. What happened to that?

You've let this go on for over a year now.

He’s done it again today

Your young kid is being abused in your home.

What are you going to do when he leaves more marks or serious injuries and you and your partner get flagged as possible child abusers? Have you followed any of the previous advice to have him assessed? Kicking the can down the road won't help your daughter here.

Thanks. It wasn't clear from your earlier posts that all of them come to you. It sounded as if it was just him. So, not quite as chaotic as I was reading.
Their father needs to do more to teach them all that you don't bully, and especially not someone smaller than you. If the older ones are unkind to him, it really isn't all that surprising that he has learned to treat others thos way.