To think 7yo deliberately hurting 2yo is not normal?

[Xante]

7yo SS has repeatedly hurt my 2yo DD. It’s not done in upset or anger, more play-fighting, but I feel it’s completely unacceptable. SS is generally a sweet boy who wants love and approval, but this is making me actively dislike him.

How can we deal with this?

I am no expert but I don’t think so. I did query ADHD with the school - via DP - and we had to do a questionnaire, as did his mum. It was decided he didn’t have it. It also became clear that his mum saw absolutely no issue with his behaviour, despite the teacher sharing our concerns. She is very glass-half-full and takes any perceived negativity towards of her children or parenting as a huge slight. As SC are consistently told they’re perfect, they don’t put any effort in at school, don’t make effort with friends and don’t have many interests beyond TV… That’s the wider context.

I’m going to have another serious chat with DP about how I don’t want them together unsupervised, at all, and that he’s not to touch her, at all. I am concerned that his complete lack of understanding of physical boundaries will become worse when he reaches puberty. It’s sad because he’s, on many levels, a really sweet boy who just seems desperate for approval and to do well. But every time he hurts DD I want to banish him from her home forever.

You and DH need to separate the two kids and to watch like a hawk all the time when they are together. Your DH needs to step up. He doesn't go outside for a cigarette while his children are playing. He watches and protects his daughter.

7 year olds don't normally roughhouse with 2 year olds. If invading other children's space is your step-son's usual way of playing with kids all ages then he may well have some kind of innate problem. Could be a few things but autism fits your description quite neatly. Your DH needs to get help to find out what the underlying problem is and how to help his son. He's the Dad and if his ex is in denial then it's his job.

I wouldn’t be leaving her out of my sight in his presence. I would also be very clear with your DH that this stops or you will need to be elsewhere with DD when he visits as this is a child protection issue. Get your DH to do the parenting and act like her mother!

If I separated from DP, he would still want to have all the children together, and it would be even harder to supervise.

I am often pulled in many directions when SC are here - someone’s always wanting help to do something, or talking to me, or I’m trying to do three things at once. I’ve always had a good relationship with SC and don’t want them to feel I prioritise DD over them… But that’s what’s going to have to happen and she’s going to have to stay with me at all times.

Wow some of these comments are a bit shocking about a 7 year old child tbh.
Definitely do not leave them alone unsupervised.
DSS sounds jealous. He’s a child from what sounds like a chaotic home.
Tell him off and don’t let there be another opportunity again.

So do the older sisters come too to your house? If they are his full sisters then that means your partner is their dad too??

Yes?

How much older are they? Can't they be encouraged to play with him? It sounded like he came alone and was just with your DD, not that you have SS, two SD and DD in your house.

They’re preteens and have little patience for him. If we’re all doing a family activity then they get on fine, but when they’re not being directly supervised, SDs can be very mean and cutting to SS. He often invades their space and boundaries so I can see why they get annoyed with him, but they do speak to him with a really horrible tone sometimes.

Does he do the tickling / invading space with other kids his own age or just his sisters? If it's just his sisters then it's probably a family dynamics problem. If it's all the kids he plays with to the point where he doesn't have friends then it could be something innate. He really needs some help, for his own sake and for the rest of the family especially your DD.

To me it feels like he is very much the odd one out and never has had much social interaction.
His two older sisters would have had each other for company. He then came along after a gap so would have been younger and therefore not into the same things at the same time. He may also possibly have been born as an attempt between his parents to repair a fractured relationship, but instead it didn't. If his mum and dad then separated maybe they had less emotional energy to deal with him.
Both parents then meet someone else and both go on to have new babies. Again he is left out of that as he isn't in either house full time and once again there is a gap, so not real sibling of the same age to buddy up with like his older sisters have.

I feel very much like family dynamics haven't helped him, and while maybe there is ND there, the situation he is in doesn't help.
Can you get him any external support?

This really sounds like ADHD/ ASD struggling with cues and impulse control. Wanting to play. But also being jealous.

If school share your concerns - then I suspect you are correct in your read of the situation RE ADHD.

That's a disgusting thing to say .

I agree that he feels left out. I think if he had a brother of the same age, or even a younger half-brother, he wouldn’t feel so left out. He feels sorry for himself a lot for having so many sisters.

At our house, he gets a lot more individual attention than SDs purely because they have each other and his hobbies are different, and I suspect it’s the same at his other house.

What kind of external support would you envisage?

The more I read the more I feel quite sorry for him. But I know if it were my child I wouldn't have the patience for him either !

Some schools access counselling services, or cahms, could you speak to the teacher again about those pathways?

Do you talk about it ever when it's not happening ? Just wondering what he says ? Is he quite an angry child generally ? he sounds very much like a child who wants attention and doesn't care if it's positive or not.

It sounds like you are more involved with your step children, than their own father is OP. It's wonderful if you are able to have a good relationship with them all as a step Mum, but not at the expense of your own daughter. Does your DH often leave his other children in your care, or is he always with them playing and talking with them when they visit?

Yes I would be worried and I wouldn’t be leaving them unsupervised for the foreseeable.

By the sounds of it he doesn’t have any good sibling relationships at all so he probably doesn’t understand how to actually build one. How often do you and DP spend quality time with him? From what you have said you are constantly shouting at him so that probably isn’t helping either. Apparently even negative attention makes children feel good so if the only way he is getting attention from you both is by hurting his sister he will keep doing it.

I think you need to teach him how to actually play with your daughter. My 5 year old has been a bit rough with my 8 month old the last couple of months (not the extend of squeezing legs until they bruised etc) but still too rough for a baby. I’ve taken lots of time to sit with him and my baby and show him how I want him to play and given him some toys that are just his to play with his brother. You could get them both to ask the other to play something of their choice and set a timer for 15 minutes before swapping to the others choice. You could introduce star charts and reward them both every time they play nicely, with a treat when they reach 10 stars?.

I’ve also make an effort to take both of the children out separately and come back with a small gift from one child to another. Obviously I pick the present from the baby to my eldest but my eldest loves it. Could you do similar with them both?

I think you need to build their relationship up for it to stop. I would bet he is a young boy who gets absolutely no quality time with anyone and is lashing out in the wrong way as it’s the only way people notice him.

he sounds very much like a child who wants attention and doesn't care if it's positive or not.

Exactly that. He often talks just to hold your attention, saying absolutely nothing of value. I think he gets so excited to have attention from DD that he gets carried away. He’s always laughing as he hurts her and I genuinely don’t think it’s intentionally malicious. Whilst he’s being physical, he’s getting someone’s undivided attention.

If you talk to him about it when he’s calm, it’s always someone else’s fault. I don’t think he sees any issue with his behaviour at all.

He’s always there and is just as involved as I am.

stop leaving them together alone.

at the other household is the step dad hands on. Does he “wrestle and tickle”? it’s an awful thought but you never know what else may be going on :-(

I’m not constantly shouting at him at all. I have shouted at him maybe 4 times ever, for hurting DD. This weekend I spent 1.5hrs with just him on Saturday, and DP spent 1hr with just him today. He gets more individual time than anyone else but it’s never enough.

Xante please look up psychotic behaviour in children,it's been noted in children as young as 2-3 and I think you'll be surprised by how much of you're SS behaviour is noted.

Please protect your DD before something irreversible happens and you end up with Social services involved.

Does the school have a family support worker you can talk to? The fact you mention the teacher also having some concerns makes me wonder if they can offer any intervention.

Does he go to any clubs? My kids do martial arts which is great for discipline.

As the constant attention is never enough, it does sound like something else is in play (as well). Could you afford family therapy? It sounds like the family dynamic isn’t working, he’s being borderline bullied by his sisters and is in turn bullying your DD. Family therapy could unpick that, and if there is ND the psychologist could help identify it. I wouldn’t go for counselling as it’s too complex, I think you need a proper family psychologist.

I think you get the need to supervise them permanently at this point; I think you need to show your DP so he gets it too.

I have no idea, DP and their mum are not on good terms and I’ve only met the stepdad a couple of times in passing. I know SS spends quite a lot of time with him (I assume because this keeps him out of his sisters’ way).

The thought has crossed my mind that if he’s this incapable of keeping his hands to himself and understanding social cues now, how will this represent when hormones kick in? Will he be a sexual risk to DD as well as a physical risk?