AIBU to feel hurt about my daughter’s wedding plans changing

[Mimimummygranny]

My daughter had arranged her wedding for later this year, then cancelled, telling me by text. Now it’s a small wedding with only two witnesses and at 11 days notice I’m invited to a late lunch hosted by her partner’s mother.
I’m hurt and can’t believe she expects me to drop my work and other commitments (missing a medical appointment) at such short notice.
I don’t want to be unreasonable …..

You need to give 28 days notice to get married in the UK so if they've given you 11 days they knew about this at least 17 days ago...

Perhaps your DD is pregnant? Or they're going to migrate and need to be married?

If you can't cancel your plans and medical appointment then thank them for the invite but unfortunately you have a medical appointment that day which you cannot change so would love to celebrate with them another time.

If you feel your work is more important than your daughter getting married then that's your choice. Stop making this about you.

There is a back story here that you are not sharing - by the time you find out her MIL has already planned the lunch - so she knew before you - if my daughter was changing her plans I would be the first person she contacted
That said, if she suddenly cancelled her wedding and text me about it my first thought wouldn't be how inconvenient it was for me - it would be concern for what had happened to make her change her plans and wanting to know her and her fiance are ok - I would be worried that maybe it was being done early due to medical reasons - a diagnosis that one of them may not be here for the arranged date!

My theory is that they decided to 'elope' and just do it (as my exDH and I did) at the register office with 2 witnesses, then tell everyone afterwards, to avoid all the fuss and expense. But the in-laws found out and said "Can we pay for a lunch with just close family afterwards - so we're a bit involved on the day?"

I'd be happy to rearrange for this to be honest, as it's a one off - the only exception being some sort of lifesaving or serious appointment. All she's really done is invited you OP, she hasn't said she expects you to cancel plans, doesn't care about your appointments or doesn't care about you generally, she has simply said this is the date if you'd like to come, by the sounds of it.

Do you know the reason for the change of plans?

I wouldn't personally make it difficult by focusing on how she's made you feel rather than focusing on the fact that it isn't anything personal and remembering that ultimately it would be nice to celebrate with them if possible. Perhaps she sent a text because it is a difficult decision and she doesn't overly want to get into it. You've not been left out - they have chosen witnesses only wedding and the only celebration there is, you have been invited to. For whatever reason, they obviously don't overly want a wider celebration and that's fine, weddings are for the people getting married in the first instance.

You could have (and still can) offer to celebrate with them separately at another time if you wish, or could have offered to host something for them yourself if you felt strongly about it, no point feeling hurt because her mum got there first.

Hopefully this will open up some better communications between you both. Do you get on well or talk often? Do you see much of each other?

Weddings can be very stressful, especially with families, I don’t blame her for reducing it back.

You can reschedule an appointment.

You can't reschedule attending her wedding.

It sounds like something serious has happened and the two of you aren't very close. But text her or call her and ask.

It's what they want. You would be mean to miss your daughter's wedding.

Could you suggest a family heirloom as a jewellery addition and offer to help out by picking up her flowers and arranging a photographer? Try to see the change of plans as positive and enjoy the luncheon.

Odd post. It's like she's a stranger to you. 'Short notice'? It's almost two weeks, not a short notice in my book, plus it's your own child, not a stranger or even a friend. And it's not just some lunch, it's her wedding.

'Dropping work' and rescheduling a medical appointment? For your own daughter's WEDDING? Of course you'd be unreasonable not to, are you joking? It's not a big ask. Unless it's a surgery or something.

I can't imagine being this nonchalant and cold about my daughter's wedding. It's like you're talking about a distant cousin or an acquaintance.

She has the right to change her mind . Are you close or not ? you don’t have to go but why would you miss this important day ?

I don't think she's invited to the wedding, only to the lunch.

But we may never find out.

Oops haha flu brain, yes very wrong thread !

HRTFT but unless she's got a special licence, DD has had at least six week's notice (unless things have changed). Just checked... it's 28 days, but most councils prefer six weeks.
There must be something else going on here.
DS and DIL had a legal ceremony (his now MIL and myself present) with a family meal afterwards. It was held in a city always in the top three most beautiful. They held a huge wedding costing almost six figures a fortnight later. The private day was beautiful, intimate and by far my favourite of the two days. Small isn't necessarily a bad thing.

You need to play the long game here and do and say whatever will make life happiest for everyone (including you) in the long term.

Harbouring resentment will not achieve this

absolutely this…I would be far more concerned than annoyed…x

Pick up the phone and ask your daughter what's going on? I take it you're not going to the wedding but to the lunch, ask her why.

This is gross imo

Why shouldn't they be told first and offer to host it if theyre closer, is it absolute law that the woman's parents must be the only ones involved and the mans parents be cast aside?

God forbid people have a close and good relationship with their son and future DIL

So they've cancelled a big wedding & are having a small one asap?

That sounds great.

But who are the witnesses?
Why aren't you one?

If you can't go to the meal could you celebrate some other time?

Why has she cancelled? It sounds like some kind of emergency/crisis and if that's the case then you are taking this way too personally.

YANBU to be hurt. If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. You shouldn’t suppress your feelings.

However, suggest you refrain from telling your DD (or other family members) how you feel to avoid making it about you.

How you respond to the change of plan depends on your relationship with your DD. Expecting you to take leave from work and to miss a medical appointment at 11 days’ notice is quite unreasonable. And should warrant an explanation. Why the rush? However, if you are able to take leave and rearrange your appointment to attend, suggest you do so.

The groom’s parents hosting a lunch is fine. But, if you are close with your DD, would’ve been nice if she’d explained why they’re hosting and not the bride and groom. Assume because they’re paying? But if you can afford to host and would’ve liked to, seems strange to go with one family hosting over another. Better for the bride and groom to host and both families help with costs if they want to.

Being told about a cancellation via text is cold enough, but expecting you to drop a medical appointment with only 11 days' notice for a "late lunch" is a huge ask. You aren't being unreasonable at all; it feels like your time and commitments aren't being respected.

I think that's really cheeky. I don't think I would go. You've more or less been told you aren't very important.

But from what the OP is saying, there was a 'big' wedding organised, (at least to some degree,) and it's been changed to a small registry office do with no-one invited apparently except 2 witnesses (and what's the betting the groom's mother is one of the witnesses?) I reckon she is involved because she's organising/doing the celebration 'meal.'

The OP still hasn't been back to give more information, or clarify anything and answer any questions people have been asking! So at this point, it's all guesswork and assumptions from everyone posting!

.

I did the same (except I vetoed the big wedding from the off) because otherwise the day would have been taken over by my mother and it would have become all about her. I gave her a month notice, timing the day 3 weeks after she had a major house move quite deliberately so she would not be organised enough to interfere with my plans. Even then, the photographer was contacted behind my back to increase the size of the photos in the album, which i reversed as soon as I found out. There were 11 people present, all family, and one was a 20 week foetus. We had a lovely day.

I'm not saying this case is the same but something is going on, and there's detail about the OPs relationship with her daughter that we aren't being told here.

I wouldn't miss it for the world

OP posted at 8am and vanished. Another bot post?