AIBU to feel hurt about my daughter’s wedding plans changing

[Mimimummygranny]

My daughter had arranged her wedding for later this year, then cancelled, telling me by text. Now it’s a small wedding with only two witnesses and at 11 days notice I’m invited to a late lunch hosted by her partner’s mother.
I’m hurt and can’t believe she expects me to drop my work and other commitments (missing a medical appointment) at such short notice.
I don’t want to be unreasonable …..

You can also give notice up to a year before the wedding date so maybe they gave notice a few months back, changed the date and told OP straight away. We can’t assume they sat on it for 2 weeks knowing they’d changed the date and just couldn’t be bothered to tell OP after knowing for a couple of weeks.

Do you think your daughter is being coerced by her future DH and his family?

I’d be confused that I wasn’t invited to the actual wedding.. even my best mate who had a Reg office wedding had her mum and sisters and me and my husband there.

See, I would be so grateful the other parents were hosting as I would absolutely hate it!

I totally agree re the waste of money and this option being far more sensible.

Id be more worried than hurt.

I thought this too. Hope everyone is ok.

Yes it’s definitely a statement that one set of parents is an issue.
as yes you want a small wedding to avoid drama of having to invite auntie x but no one really objects to just parents of both.

Need much more info op

what Is the relationship like between you and your daughter more generally? It’s hard to know from the brief post, but I’d be inclined to assume from the information provided that you aren’t especially close? It’s also strange that the first thing you did was post to mumsnet rather than call your daughter?
on the face of it, yes I’d probably be upset and a little offended about the change of plans, however if you’re not that close in the first place perhaps her decision about the wedding and way she chose to let you know are usual? I appreciate not all mums and daughters are close.

Need more context op.

You’re not unreasonable to be annoyed about the whole situation but like PPs, I’d drop everything for my daughter’s wedding. In the grand scheme of things, your child’s wedding is more important than a medical appointment unless it’s life saving surgery.
Make another appointment and if ever you’re going to cut her some slack, do it for her wedding.

You aren’t unreasonable to feel aggrieved, hurt, concerned, and confused.

You are a bit unreasonable to cite work and a medical appointment (unless the latter is eg an important surgery you’ve waited a long time for) as though they would prevent you from attending your daughter’s wedding lunch.

But yes, it’s not a great way for this invitation to come through. I would be upset.

The people I know who have done this have done it because they baulked at the cost that was racking up and/ or also the stress resulting from overbearing family members sticking their oar in and being a nightmare.

I must admit I’m wondering if you are one of the latter.

Are you invited to the wedding? The total absence of very relevant detail in your post is identical to the modus operandi of the bewildered and wounded posters of classic “My DD2 has gone no contact for no reason!” posts.

Obviously occasionally people do go non-contact without fault from the relative concerned but then the poster usually provides a lot of background information and has a very good idea of why it might have happened.

I would rearrange a medical appointment and take time off work to attend my daughter’s wedding with 11 days notice. You can’t be having a major procedure if attending the celebrations entails both missing a medical appointment AND taking time off work as you’d be off work anyway.

You are sulking and centering yourself in all this. Have you any concerns as to why your daughter and future son-in-law have made this sudden choice? Or do you know and dismiss it as nonsense?

They have made a choice and now I suggest you be very careful about the next choice you make. If you love your daughter and want a long and happy relationship with her you need to keep your bitterness over this to yourself and centre her and go along with a smile on your face. You’ve both hopefully got a lot of life to come after this wedding in 11 days.

It’s her wedding not yours, so her choice and not yours
i would hazard a guess that you are not close to your daughter and I can see why as you have made it about you and not her wedding day

I would be ringing her and asking for a catch up separately to his family

I would be more worried about the rush and of she was under pressure than any logistics.

Are their any other controlling signs?

100% this ^^

As people have to give at least 29 days notice for a registry office wedding, I would question why your daughter didn’t tell you the date straight away, rather than wait a few weeks.

I think maybe don’t take this too personally, I learned when arranging my own wedding how commercialised the whole thing had become and how much expectation and societal pressure there is on the bride and groom to spend thousands and thousands on things like cakes, table decorations, seat covers, flowers, photographers, videographers, meal options, invites etc.
On top of all that potentially every guest asking/expecting to be able to bring kids/partners, tell you where they need to be seated.
All of this is so separate to the actual union and marriage of the bride and groom that I wouldn’t judge any couple for deciding to put their marriage first, and it honestly may not be personal to you op x

Is she pregnant is my first thought?

I'd say there's definitely a backstory that the OP didn't bother with.

yes it appears as if you have been treated as an afterthought and to be honest, I wouldn't bother going.

Why does pregnancy call for an emergency wedding?

Some people are old fashioned and/or they want to save the money on a wedding for a baby.

THIS is exactly why I cancelled the plan for my first wedding. It was only going to be close family anyway at the register office and then the same people at a lunch, but my Mum started telling me we "HAD to invite" others and so I just cancelled it. And we snuck off and did a register office thing with just 2 close friends as witnesses. I HATE a fuss and being the centre of attention, but my mum should also have known me well enough to know that telling me what I "HAD" to do was going to end badly.

My response how lovely I will see if I can get time off work. What would you like as a wedding present?

and leave it.

it is their wedding not yours

in response to anything said - it’s your day you do it as you want and I support you 100% love you