AIBU to feel hurt about my daughter’s wedding plans changing

[Mimimummygranny]

My daughter had arranged her wedding for later this year, then cancelled, telling me by text. Now it’s a small wedding with only two witnesses and at 11 days notice I’m invited to a late lunch hosted by her partner’s mother.
I’m hurt and can’t believe she expects me to drop my work and other commitments (missing a medical appointment) at such short notice.
I don’t want to be unreasonable …..

I wondered about that.

Ps compliment the lunch offer to pay and make no negative comments

Yep that's why we decided no one was coming to our day - best decision ever! The overbearing person said she has never forgiven me - I told her I didn't care one way or the other - she was turning my wedding day into a nightmare and she just wouldn't stop.

Having a low-cost wedding for any reason I understand but it isn’t an emergency situation. The wedding doesn’t have to be so rushed that your mother has to miss a medical appointment.

The idea that people have old-fashioned values because they want to be married before the baby arrives while happily having premarital sex just makes me laugh. Who are they kidding? Nobody. Why tie yourself up in these knots when you don’t even believe in the idea of no sex before marriage?

It sounds like your relationship is on the rocky side tbh

If you have a medical appointment then you're not likely to be at work and unless this appointment has been scheduled for months then, yes, you should drop everything for what's an important date for your daughter.

how is it selfish?

You say you're hurt because she expects you to drop commitments at short notice. That's a sign of a poor mother daughter relationship. I'd be more concerned about why she is cancelling her plans and rushing into the wedding. I wouldn't care about other commitments either, my DDs wedding would be a priority.

Obviously there’s some context missing here and 11 days notice is not great, but this is your daughter’s wedding and if we assume she and her DP are doing it how they want then this is good. I wish I hadn’t had a big wedding, but we felt a lot of pressure from friends and family to do the whole big wedding thing.

Speak to her and check it’s all okay, maybe ask if you can come to the actual service if you’re closer and then enjoy the day.

Oh well if you consider your job has priority over your daughters wedding for one day I can see how things have come to this.

But it reads as if she can't attend the wedding because they will only have 2 witnesses.

I would be asking why the change in plans, in a concerned way.

Why? It's not like she's going to change the plans back so her mum doesn't have to (shock, gasp, horror!)) miss an appointment and a single day of work.

That. I'd be calling her, not to complain, but to show concern and ask what's happened to cause the cancellation.

@Andthatmyfriendisthat I would be worried why such a drastic change of plans, and is there something else going on.

Not enough information in the first post @Mimimummygranny Can you answer some of the questions asked of you? Hard to give advice otherwise. ie, are you close to your daughter? Do you live near her? Is it her first wedding etc???

As has been said, why are you nor ringing her to find out why on earth all the wedding plans have been cancelled???

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@Andthatmyfriendisthat and we don’t know what the appointment is and not everyone can just have a day off from work with very little notice

An appointment like a two-week cancer referral appointment? While it probably isn’t that kind of appointment here, it could be. Maybe you are afflicted by the arrogance and ignorance of youth.

But she isn’t invited to the wedding? Just a lunch in 11 days time which may or may not be the day of the ceremony?

You don't sound like you have much of a relationship with your DD.

Nah. She doesn't have an appointment to fly a unicorn around the moon either.

Don't be so arrogant and ignorant. When my adult daughter wants to get married I will move heaven and earth to be there in whatever capacity offered. Like a normal mother does.

Why is her Partner’s Mother hosting a lunch and not you or not a joint hosting?
Is there something you’re not telling us?

You cannot possibly know what the OP has coming up, or what for, or how hard it will be for her to get a day off work. What a very rude and unkind post! Making out you're a better mother than the OP. Give your head a wobble.

Stop being so rude and unkind!

And stop making up fairy stories, it's boring.

So, anyway, OP can just behave like a normal person and attend the lunch.

Oh and I'm not "making out" I'm a better mother than the OP. I am :)

Sorted. YW.

Just go and enjoy. Smile and be good company. Say how lovely it is to be with them on this special day. Thank her new MIL for the lunch.
In other words start out on the right foot and set the right tone for the future. It is more than just one day.
Unless you are due major surgery on that day then just cancel everything else.
And swallow your resentment... you will regret it if you don't!

It seems like the DD doesn't want OP there, given that she's invited at very short notice, not invited to the ceremony, and told in the same text that the groom's mother will play host. There's something up with this relationship.

Elopement is fine, if the prospect of the big wedding is unbearable. But then, just do it: don't play favourites with the relatives, unless you want the sort of unnecessary drama that elopement was supposed to avoid in the first place.