AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

“I don’t want to go” that’s a good enough reason and if she was a proper friend she would understand.

I get that you worry she’ll take it personally that she’s not worth £1,500 and a week off.

Just make it clear that it’s you that hasn’t got the time or money for it. No one can argue that someone had a spare grand can they.
No one else will think anything other than “well done” for not getting sucked in.

But why do you care if she is offended? Let her be offended. If this exchange is happening by text, just stop replying. If in person, use broken record technique. Say "Please stop trying to persuade me, I'm sorry but it's a No." WHATEVER she says next, repeat "I'm sorry but No." Repeat ad infinitum. If you start answering her objections, you've lost. Just repeat your broken record phrase every time. It works. (I learned broken record on MN and it works brilliantly with teens too.)

Be wary of coming up with more excuses. We used finance once and to ensure attendance the host decided to pay for us.
I woild just say ‘I’ll have to decline as this doesn’t work for us. Thanks for the invite. Hopefully we can celebrate when you’re back in the UK.’
you’ve already given the reason of your baby and that’s not a reason that the Hen can ‘solve’ so I’d just leave it now.
with all these things it’s an invite not a summons. I’m sure you’re not the only one who can’t make it.

Even if if she was offering to pay for it I still wouldn't want to go away for 5 days without my baby, especially not abroad. Plus £1500 at least would be needed for all the baby related purchases, doing up the baby's bedroom and furnishing it etc, I'd never be able to justify spending it on a solo holiday instead. I Can't get my head around why she doesn't understand why you'd say no to this! Some friend!

My answer would be something like "wait you've won the lottery and offering to take us all on holiday for your hen do? Blimey Karen that's such a generous offer but my husband will need to save annual leave for emergencies plus our own family holidays so I can't attend. Let's go out for a celebratory meal once you return and you can show me all your pics"

Any guilt trippy response she came back with would just be met with with a firm "still no lol".

No one would ask me to to do this anyway as if I did have £1500 for a holiday I wouldn't want to go on a 5 day bender with (anyone) someone who acts like a petulant child and other people like her that I didnt know, my idea of hell! A local night out putting up with that behaviour would be more than enough for me.

Have you just learned the word drama today? Because you are using it an awful lot but in the total wrong context 😂

If you can't just say no and grey rock what about "I don't WANT to leave my baby for 5 days, I don't want DH to have to use so many days leave unless it is for family holiday , I can't afford that amount of money after maternity leave, and I don't especially want to spend 5 days away with friends of yours who are not my closest friends when I need to prioritise other areas of my life. . None of which means I don't care about you or your wedding - it's just that this is an event too far for me at the moment"

I’d probably go if I didn’t have the baby. I love a hen do!!

but having had 3 babies you’d have to pay me to go and leave my 9 month old

Op tell bridezilla no your dh can’t waste 5 days leave he needs them for family time together. It’s too expensive for hen party money is an issue and it’s not your thing if baby was older you probably still wouldn’t want to go. Also how close are you if she is basically forcing you to do what she wants and ignoring your wants. Sorry I would be happy to lose such a selfish friend tbh. The bridezillas are too entitled. There is no need for a holidays for a hen party.

I think as you get older (I am now 50) you need to not do things that you don’t want to do, or not do those things you can’t afford just to ‘people please’. You have a young child, the trip is too expensive - that is literally all you need to say. Wish her well, take her out for an afternoon tea one on one maybe to celebrate if you really want to and that’s all you need to do. Good luck

She sounds incredibly annoying. She knows you don't want to go, but she's still pushing? Nope. Unfortunately, she's just being difficult, so you'll have to offend her and let her decide whether or not she can get over it. As you say, she's bound to be disappointed, anyway, because she's asking a lot of people, particularly the ones who aren't close friends with plenty of money and free time to devote to her. I doubt many people will be eager to do this.

Make up whatever excuse you like. Nothing will be 'enough' for her.

I think it's very unreasonable of her to demand it! It's not even the wedding FFS!, I don't remember any of this emphasis on hen dos in the past; not everyone had one, and those who did usually just had a party locally. Even without a baby, it's a lot of time and money commitment. If she and some of her friends can afford the time and money for five days in Marbella, great, but she shouldn't nag people who can't, and ESPECIALLY she shouldn't be arguing with you about how to handle your own baby.

No is a full sentance.

What were her reasons all the times she let you down? You aren't close so why do you feel the need to keep her happy just tell her no and I won't change my mind don't give it anymore thought

If she keeps banging on about having left her kids when they were younger just look her straight in the eye and say 'I guess we have different parenting styles then' and with a bit of luck she'll take offence and uninvite you.
My kids are fully grown and I wouldnt spend 1.5k on a hen do, especially for someone who sounds more like an acquaintance rather than a friend these days.

Honestly I would just reiterate "No, I won't be leaving the baby". If she says something stupid to try to contradict you again just say "I won't be attending but look forward to catching up and hearing all about it afterwards".

You don't need to make up excuses, you don't need to keep justifying it. A simple No is all it takes. If she was happy to leave her kids that's fab, my toddler is 2 now and I wouldn't leave him for 5 days if you paid me!

I wouldn’t go baby or not. Too much money for someone who isn’t a close friend and has let you down when meeting up. You don’t need another excuse, no is a full sentence.

5 days for a hen party is ridiculous! Thank her for the invite but unfortunately it’s just not doable for you. If she doesn’t understand she isn’t a true friend.

“Thank you for the invitation but I won’t be attending. Please stop asking why as no amount of asking or making suggestions will result in me changing my mind. Hope you have a nice time”

Another good reason to breastfeed your baby.

Are you expecting people to tell you that you should attend?

5 days? A nightmare!

If I wanted to go I’d leave baby for 5 days if responsible childcare was in place …but 1.5k for 5 days would really put me off - especially if not keen on the trip in the first place.
Just say I don’t want to leave my baby - end of!
Ps I love Marbella but not Puerto Banus which is probably where you’ll end up, it’s changed a lot over the years and not for the better.

Too far, way too expensive, of your family time too. The egos of some brides to be is baffling, remember she wants more people to go to keep the cost down. Nuts, don’t be bullied.

5 days for a hen do is a wildly unreasonable expectation for adults with jobs and families and lives.

You have a 9 month old. Her expectations are stupidly over the top and you don't want to go. It's a stupid waste of money in this economy and it's not like she would go out of her way for you. .