AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

All the best OP. My experience with pushy people who make these pointed suggestions as to what you “can just do”, is to respond and say it’s not convenient and that she “can just accept that it’s a no”

She actually said that you not wanting to go because of your baby isn't a good enough excuse? She sounds awful. Don't go and don't feel guilty. Just because she's happy to have left her kids doesn't mean you will be. Also expecting everyone to pay that much for a hen is crazy and you should expect not everyone to be able to attend because of that alone

I would say it would be more unreasonable to leave your baby, incur massive costs and inconvenience your dh all for someone you don’t appear to like. I wouldn’t leave mine for 5 days to go abroad for anyone and they are older than yours. You don’t have to explain yourself, just say no and it she falls out with you it might be a blessing.

I am fed up with people who want their hen do overseas or in some expensive spa then put the guilts on those who cannot afford to go or reasons otherwise. They're being selfish.
It's her choice to want to go to Spain, your choice if you want to go or not and the rest is up to her. I bet you are not the only one who may not.

What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses?

You don't say anything else, you just stick to what you've said and wish her well 😳

Sorry but I'm another one who doesn't get the drama over such a simple thing.

She’s setting up for drama and conflict by arranging an unreasonable trip. It’s too long and too expensive for young women with young children. It’s inevitably going to create fuss.

None of that is your problem. Just say no.

This. You sound scared of her.

say exactly this, it’s liberating to be in control of yourself and not care what others think. She doesn’t sound like a friend in any case so you won’t be at a loss of the friendship ends

Haha no she's been engaged for a while now x

Thanks for the invite but we can’t justify that amount of money just for one of us, it falls at the end of my maternity leave and we will have had a really expensive year and we want to spend all our annual leave with our new family so I won’t be coming. Have a wonderful time.

" I've been to plenty of hen dos I've not particularly wanted to go to but still attended when I was childless."

I heaven's name why?

No I wouldn’t have gone abroad when dc were babies. Plus that seems a lot of money for 3 days. Life is more expensive anyway when dc come along.

I wouldn’t go and I don’t have a baby as an excuse!

Don’t enter into any more discussion , justifications or reasons.

”we’ve had this conversation, sorry if you are upset or disappointed but there is nothing more to discuss. “

You don't want to go . So don't.

I am probably going to get flamed for saying this but bring back the old days where people were content to have a hen night locally. Most of the posts I have read on here are people being put under financial stress to attend hen parties and stag parties abroad and often sacrificing family holidays to do so. It's crazy imo.

This! Totally agree.

You don’t need to find an excuse. You’ve told her a reason you are unable to attend. If she doesn’t accept that she can’t force you to go.

honestly. Its not difficult. You have three options
"Because that does not work for me"
"Because I Don't want to'
"No and do not ask me again"

She is not a friend. She is not entitled to explanations. Get a grip.

I don't think you need more reasons than you have given. Just say I'm sorry I can't make it.

I am betting it wouldn't happen so often if people would just say "hell no I am not doing that"

Well that's your perception of MN. You posted to ask if YABU or not. I answered to say, well yes you are. If drama is what you're actually seeking, you have won! Why are you responding to my logical response/s if you're seeking "drama"!

As the saying goes " Other people can bring the drama. You are not obliged to stay for the performance ".
You've said no. Ouve explained why. That's it. No need for further explanation. If it causes her to not invite/ uninvite you from her actual wedding it will be a blessing.

Just say no, your DH can’t get the time off work to cover all of it

You're giving her too much info. Every reason you give her gives her an opportunity to argue back.

Whatever suggestion she comes back at you with, "that's not going to be possible" and leave it. She can't make you and she can't expect your partner to take days off work for her holiday.

It's possible she is pushing because lots of others are saying no. That's what happens when you're too demanding of your friends and the correct response is to take the hint and scale your plans back.

I honestly think they spend too much time on social media and start to think that they have Delevigne/Taylor Swift/Mary Charteris budgets and their friends do too. They lose sight of the fact that it’s not a feasible semi-regular expense for most people.