AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

I don't understand why anyone can't just say, I don't want to do that. If it was one night out, and they would be very hurt if I refused, I might just put up with it and go, but to spend £1500 and 5 days of my life doing something I didn't want to do, leaving my lovely baby, in the process, No!

This ⬆️

🤣🤣🤣🤣

She sounds like a nightmare.
God help everyone around her when she’s planning the wedding. She will be even worse.
Expecting women she works with to give up £1500 and three days leave as well? Good luck with that.
And it’s not just £1500 it’s clothes, meals etc and spends.
This woman to be frank doesn’t care much for the people she’s inviting. She just wants a hen do in Marbella.

You’ve said no and your reasons are valid. I’ve been on a lot of away hen do’s but usually 3 nights and they’ve cost less than half that. I’ve been to Marbella and it’s pricy when you get there too- not like Benidorm

Also your reasons actually don’t have to be valid. You can just not want to

Could you do 2 days?

I think 5 is totally unreasonable and your well within your right to say no to all of it but I done 2 nights in a nearby village to Marbella recently and that was more than enough

Your reason is fine. She can accept it and shut up about it, or accept it and moan about it. Either way, throw her back, she's not a real friend.

Yes a very logical response.. do follow along properly. I’m not the op.

I went to Barcelona for a hen do for 4 days when my youngest was 11 months, probably spent about £1k. BUT. It was one of my best friends. I genuinely wanted to go. My DH was on parental leave. If it was someone I wasn't particularly close to and the childcare was difficult then no, I wouldn't have gone.
I wouldn't worry too much if she keeps pushing OP, doesn't sound like she is a close friend and she can't exactly force you. I am thinking back to my hen do and just the idea that if someone said they couldnt make it I would start guilting them into it is just ridiculous. Stick to your guns. Can you remove yourself from the group since youve said you cant go? Maybe do a 'sorry, have let bride know i cant make it but hope you all have fun', then exit...

You aren't being in the least unreasonable - too long and too much. I bet you aren't the only one saying no and she's struggling with numbers.

“I’d love to celebrate with you but, realistically, it’s not going to be feasible for me either practically or financially. I don’t want to commit and have to pull out so think it’s best to be honest at this stage. Would you be up for doing something here with me and anyone else who can’t make it when you get back?”

Well thank you, I did think so too.

Another drama seeking person!

My proper apologies to you and the op.

YANBU OP.

That is an insane amount of money 💰 for most people to find for a hen do.

The bride to be (soon to be a bridezilla) sounds more like a frenemy than a real friend.

You don't need to persuade her. Tell her you will be disappointed to miss it but it's not going to work for your family and leave it there.

She needs to accept No is a full sentence. You don’t want to go for the reasons you’ve outlined, you don’t have to come up with a myriad of other reasons to back up your decision. You are an independent adult who’s decided they do not want to attend an event that does not suit them. End of.

I also think it’s absurd that people have 5 night hen and stag parties abroad and expect all their friends to pay thousands to attend plus then attend their wedding. I just would never expect that from my friends nor would I feel obliged to go on a trip like that for a friend either if it wasn’t something I wanted to do and I think that’s perfectly ok.

This! “No” is a complete sentence and if she has let you down before you need to ask why you are even considering it. If she was a true friend and decent human then she would understand- baby or not!

I find with people like this it’s better to say no and not give any pretend other reasons because all they will do is try and find ‘solutions’, then it becomes more awkward and never ending. Your reason for not going is more than good enough. I have no kids and I still would be saying no to that. My boundary is 3 nights max for a hen do and they have to be a really close friend of mine.

I wonder if I am much older than many of the people on here. My issue would be not that there is a five day hen do abroad but more that a polite refusal isn’t just accepted.

If she asks again, don’t give any more reasons. Something like “Hi Sarah, as you know unfortunately I won’t be able to make this. I hope you all have a really nice time!” is absolutely fine.

Change your settings on WhatsApp so you can’t be added to groups like “Estelle’s Crazy Marbella Bash!!!!!” without your permission.

To be honest the very words “hen do” make me feel queasy… I am perhaps a miserable old git but these days it all seems so self indulgent and requiring of huge time and financial commitment. Not to mention extremely social-battery draining.. for me, just noo.

You have said no and given your reason. I would say there is no need to give any more excuses.

Essentially just don't engage with group chat or pay anything and she'll get the message.

You really can't do anything to stop her reaction to this as she just sounds like a difficult, sensitive personality.

Just say no.

Anyone pushing you to leave your baby is being a bit rude.

I wouldn’t go full stop. (Marbella is a shite hole IMO)
You don’t need excuses or to give her a reason other than saying “No thanks, that doesn’t suit me “

Learn to stand up for yourself now as you’ll regret it if you can’t advocate for your children when they need your voice.

So £1,500, plus spending money, so a good £2k, plus another what, thousand from your husband taking unpaid time off, so about £3k? And not even for the actual wedding? Which I can pretty much guarantee will also be wildly expensive! I can see this ending up costing a couple of months take home earnings in total, and these over-elaborate hens and weddings often seem to result in rather short marriages!

No is a full sentence.

My son was 2 before I left him overnight as he was very attached to breastfeeding (and I didn’t want to be away from him anyway).

You won’t want to leave your baby at 9 months for 5 whole days most likely.

1.5k for a hen do is absurd baby or no baby. Marbella sounds horrendous.

You don’t need to make up new excuses, what you have said is perfectly valid. If she doesn’t understand that, she’s not a real friend anyway. If she wants to fall out, so be it. You will make loads of new friends as a first time mum who are on the same page as you. All the best with the pregnancy.