AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

“I’ve got a baby and husband can’t just take three days off. It’s a shame I can’t make it, but if you have an expensive hen do abroad you must have expected people not to be able to make it? Let’s do something local too”

She's not a friend if she gets offended.

My kids are a little older and one of my close friends invited me to her abroad hen doo. I simply told her that I would not feel comfortable being in a different country to my children.

If she can't accept that, she really isn't a friend.

Again drama! Either yours or hers but seems like both. Who cares whether you or anyone else drinks/doesn't drink. Who cares whether you can (or don't want) to get childcare. You don't want to go. Upset her (if you view of that way). Easily say...I didn't mean to upset you.

Thanks for everyone's replies, I will just be more firm if she keeps pressing me. The group chat is like tumbleweed with not many replying so I get the feeling everyone else is the same.

Yes she does have social media and I think you're right about wanting numbers, not because she's invited me but more because she has invited her work friends has only known for a year. She will be paying it herself but she's organising it.

Am glad some people agree with hen dos abroad being abit OTT. I've been to a couple for best friends but not for normal friends. My hen do was just a one day music gig!

Well if she's upset that's unfortunate but what she is asking is a lot more than an evening out. You said however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her. So if she keeps asking I'd be pointing that out to her. You'll love your baby a lot more than a hen do.

Tbf this friend is very dramatic so drama was/is inevitable!! 😅meh, she's fallen out with me before so if she does it again I'll leave her to it lol

It would be a no from me just based on the cost - add in that’s she’s flaky and definitely no but with a baby that would be a huge no from me. Not wanting to leave your baby for 5 days is completely understandable and normal.
Also 5 days away with a group of people that I might not know well is also a massive no

The group chat is like tumbleweed with not many replying so I get the feeling everyone else is the same.

Mmm, why do I get the feeling this is not a very popular request?!

This is not a dilemma - you can't go, and you don't want to go, so say a friendly no & continue with life. A £1500 spend obviously isn't a reasonable expectation of anyone. You know that's what everyone here is going to say.

I only left my baby for a full working day once when he was 9 months

I’d leave a 9MO with their Dad for 5 nights but not to spend £1500 (+ whatever the lost wages would be) on something I didn’t even want to do i.e. a hen in Marbella with a friend that isn’t actually very nice to you. Even if it’s not strictly speaking true I’d just say you cannot afford it because it’s harder to argue with and she really doesn’t sound like the type who would offer to pay for you!

What do you get out of this "friendship" OP?

Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

This is just peer pressure/emotional blackmail. The fact she was happy to do that with her kids is a moot point. Your not, so don't.

I would keep it vague and say “it’s just not going to work for us, as a family, next summer”. I wouldn’t get into granular detail about your dp’s day rate or breastfeeding or anything else like that. And I wouldn’t rush to reply. Maybe she thinks she’s got over a year to work on you and is getting in early. But make it clear she’s not going to twist your arm.

You don’t need to explain and justify.
”I hope you have a lovely time but I’m not able to join you on this occasion.”

Brilliant! Anything else is just lovely/bonus if you go. Or if you don't, equally lovely time with family. Honestly, once I realised this...life changing and nobody can get hurt...unless they love the drama 🤣👍

All you need to say is ‘no thank you’

Is it a group chat specifically for the hen do? Just leave the chat.
No wonder people are quiet if she's publicly berating you for choosing your baby over her

I would say she can't be that close if she can't accept you saying no.
I think if she asks again you need to be firm and say I have already told you no so can you please stop asking, you have already been given your answer.

The fact she is continuing to pester you suggests that maybe you aren't the only one who doesn't want to go and she is desperately trying to get people to go rather than reading the room and understanding hen dos abroad aren't feasible for most people for many reasons.

Insane money to attend a hen do, especially when you have a baby to spend it on! You’re not even close friends so of course YANBU.

I wouldn't do that under any circs. YANBU.

😂Agreed

Do you really care if she gets offended and stops being friends with you? It's far too expensive and your DH would lose money by taking leave to look after your baby as he is self-employed. Those are perfectly good reasons for you to decline. You also might still be breastfeeding your baby.

She sounds entitled and overbearing so I would have absolutely no qualms in sending my apologies.

You don't need to make any excuses to turn down spending that sort of money! I've got more and more blunt/honest as I've got older. Would probably say that I won't be going. If pushed I'd add that I'm not keen on hen do's, I'd rather spend my money on something else.

5 days away abroad from a 9 month old baby? Not on your nelly!

Yep. Who cares if she is convinced or not? The hen do thing where it's thousands and days is ludicrous.

No means No...