AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

It's an invitation Op, she can't make you go so excuses are not necessary. Tell her thanks but sorry I won't be coming, if you make excuses she'll try to talk you round. I can think if loads of better things to do with £1.5 grand

Yes. Keep saying this if she asks again.

Just say it doesn't work for you. No excuses needed. You need to practice being assertive and this is a good time to try. You will feel empowered. If she comes back with why just continue to repeat it doesn't work for you.

If she were to arrange a meal in a local restaurant then a visit to some pubs more people would be able to make it as it's not using up their leave,,,, and over a thousand pounds.

As pp have said - just turn down the invitation. You don't need to explain yourself.
Do what @Busybeemummadvises - become assertive.

I actually love a hen do abroad but my maximum is three days. I'd not even be entertaining one for 5 days and at those costs. I also left my 9 month baby to go away for two nights on my sil hen do, just a UK one and I absolutely hated every second and was looking for travel home the first morning. He was still breastfed and I just didn't want to be away from him.

Just stay firm, you can't commit to a 5 day holiday when you will have a baby and don't know what they will be like and you can't agree to paying out those funds when youl be on maternity leave. If she replies anything else just say the answer is still no and repeat.

Exactly. I can’t imagine being so entitled/selfish as to organise this, the sheer big head she must have is mad. To think everyone would want to spend this much money and time, possibly in place of a family holiday (because most ordinary families couldn’t afford both) is just so incredibly inconsiderate and selfish. Then no doubt there’ll be some event at home too, plus the costs for the wedding. Is she the type to say bridesmaids pay for their own outfits and hair/makeup? I just don’t understand why people do this.

It’s ok for her to leave her children, in the same way it’s ok for you to not want to leave your baby. It’s not that you won’t have childcare, you sound like you don’t want to leave your child for that long. That’s totally ok. If she doesn’t understand that, that’s her issue, not yours

The expense of this hen do is crazy! I’m
taking my two DC away to an all inclusive in Greece in the May half term for less than that! I wonder if your share covers paying for the hen which is why she’ll want you there. If you don’t go, it’ll cost the other hens more.

If it doesn’t suit you don’t go it’s quite simple and if she gets arsey just ignore.

You don’t owe her any detailed explanations at all. Just stick to “the cost and the time away don’t work for us as a family this time” and leave it at that. Ignore any intrusive questions or pressure to justify yourself - it’s none of her business.

TBH the more people start refusing these expensive, multi-day, hen bashes abroad, the sooner - with a bit of luck people will stop expecting/organising them.

Even if people can afford the cost, most will have better uses for that money, especially during the current CoL squeeze.

As for leaving a young baby for that length of time, personally I wouldn’t have needed any other excuse at all. No way would I have done it.

So what? LET HER get annoyed.

Just say no and keep saying no.

If you're breastfeeding I can't see how you'd reasonably be able to go away for that long without your baby. But I agree with previous posters- you don't need excuses - just say unfortunately I won't be able to make it.

This is nuts. £1.5k for a hen do. I hope this stupid craze stops soon.

Bring back going out for a curry and a bottle of wine with your mates hen-dos.

Just stick to your first honest explanation, you won't attend because you will be a new mum, and that's your priority. Please don't feel you need to offer anything more than that. She will just argue back and forth to wear you down. You're an adult, you've made your decision.

It's her hen do so she can do it her way.
You're not, as you say, that close a friend and you have other committments - including a child.
Why even ask here what you should be putting first, you already know.

Thanks for the invite, I hope you have a lovely time but as I've already said I'll have to say 'no' on this occasion. Let's meet for lunch when you get back and you can tell me all about it. On repeat if necessary. Or walk away.

Do you get on with the other women who will be going? In other words, would you enjoy it as a holiday? If you’ve any doubts there, that’s your answer, don’t go and don’t worry about coming up with ‘legitimate’ excuses. Just say you can’t make it and leave it there.

OP your life is going to change now you are a parent. That doesn’t mean you never go out: but you will be making decisions that affect 3 people not two. Would you give her £1.5K just because she asked? Of course not. You’ve already been on hen dos you don’t want to go on, goodness knows why, but you don’t have to. Just say ‘no I’m sorry, this won’t work for me. Have a lovely time’. Worst case scenario she stops talking to you.

So?

She lets you down all the time

What kind of 'close' friend do you call that?

Let her be offended

£1500 for someone else’s hen do?
not a chance!!
we (2 adults 3 kids) could all have a break for that.
just say no you don’t have to justify yourself!

She sounds very selfish. I’m not surprised that she is flakey when it comes to your celebrations.

She wants you there so it looks like she has friends.

I wouldn’t spend £100 on her hen do let alone £1500 + plus another thousand at least in lost earnings.

So just tell her that no, DH can’t just take leave, and that as you’ll be on maternity leave you can’t afford it anyway. Or just say “ I ve already told you I won’t be coming , please stop making this awkward.”

Just say you've checked again with your husband and he'll be mid contract, so definitely won't be able to take the time off work. You're sorry you can't be there and hope she has a lovely time.

Plus, we're talking about a year ahead? You've no idea what your baby will be like, your DH work schedule, your financial situation... you don't need an excuse.
Just don't go.