AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

Don’t go! Absolutely no reason or obligation to do so.

Did she attend your hen? If so, was it abroad?

Absolutely no way, my DS is a young toddler and I still haven't left him overnight. Nothing wrong with leaving them overnight either! But I would not be comfortable leaving him even at this age to go abroad. If your friend didn't mind, that's great for her, you're allowed to feel differently.

Also babies are different - mine still breastfeeds at least once in the night. At 9mo it would have been absolutely out of the question.

How anyone can demand people go on a hen do abroad is beyond me as well! I didn't even plan a hen as we planned our wedding in 6mo and it felt like asking too much of people. But that is a huge amount of money and leave to expect from friends plus attending the wedding on top of that!

I’ve literally just declined a hen party that’s 2 nights in this country and I have a 9 month old!
to be fair I was planning on going but my baby won’t take a bottle so it’s a no go! Could that be an excuse for you?

5 day hen do's. Whatever happened to a pub crawl around your home town?
Just be firm and say it doesn't work for you. If she doesn't understand, she's not your friend

I haven’t read all the replies, just your initial post. My view, for what is worth, is don’t go. It’s a heck of a lot of money to spend for someone who isn’t an especially close friend. Plus, you have a young baby, which should take priority.
Just say “no”, whatever she tries to guilt trip you with. You owe her nothing, to be honest. If she can’t accept “no”, that’s her problem. Don’t go into explanations, just stick to your guns.
Ask yourself, what would you prioritise if push came to shove - your family, or her expensive hen do?

Let her be offended just think what you could do with £1500 + instead of wasting it on hen party.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. I certainly wouldn't be going with a 9 month old at home.
Also, asking people to pay that much money for a hen do is way too much.

Only to view it from your baby's point of view: it is a deeply unhelpful, unreasonable and potentially harmful thing for a mother to leave her 9month old child for any length of time (of, say, more than a couple of hours) unless it is due to dire and unavoidable circumstances (e.g. mother having unavoidable surgery). Don't do it.

If you need any more support for your decision not to go on an expensive and unnecessary trip for the sake of a self-centred friend, then read up a bit on Theory of Attachment - going back to early research by John Bowlby and coming right up to date with the lasting impact that mother/infant separation can have on the early development of the child.

There’s no way I’d have left any of my babies that young, they were all breastfeeding round the clock at that age. And there’s no way I’d spend that amount of money on a hen.
It’s a hen invite not a court summons. just say no you can’t go. I don’t think you need to even explain yourself, she’s being totally outrageous.

Since when? What about mothers who work?

As i mentioned in wouldn't go to this hen do even if i had no children at all but this is overly dramatic

Most mums I know don't want to leave their baby, even one who has to for work hates it.
Most people I know wouldn't want to spent their hard earned cash, annual leave, time and emotional labour on a hen or stag do, especially for someone like this charmer.

I remember reading a bit about this when Dd was a baby, and having to stop as I had no choice but to return to work, and felt so guilty. In a society where often two wages are required given high housing costs, where many women end up as single mothers and not by choice, and where motherhood is effectively not valued (eg lack of flexible working from so many employers), how do we as a society balance the needs of young infants against these things? There’s a lot of talk about youth mental health issues etc, could there be a link? I always feel so guilty but had no good choices

Stand up for yourself, OP.
She sounds ridiculously entitled.
As a PP said, stag/hen do’s have got so out of hand. People wanting a fake impression for their social media. Madness.
If she falls out with you over this, don’t give it a second thought. If she was any kind of real friend your polite decline would be accepted.
Also, PS, I bet that by the time it actually happens the guests will be forking out more than £1500!

What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses?

Honestly, OP, why are you even asking this question? What is it about your reason that you think is "not enough"? It really doesn't matter if the bride approves of your reason or not. It's why you're not going. So tell her that and if she says it's not much of a reason again just tell her you aren't asking for her permission, you're letting her know you won't be going.

@LeaLeek No is a complete sentence. If you want to be kind, you can add a 'thank you' but you needn't make the sentence any longer.

You don't need an excuse, you don't need to lie, you don't need to explain, you don't need to justify.

I just read the title of the post and voted YANBU. Just say no as you have a baby you don’t want to leave and don’t get into any further discussion .

Just say no,thank you.
Ridiculous wedding nonsense. Dont buy into it.

No one seems to do them anymore. I actually can’t recall anyone I know ever having a hen do that isn’t a load of hassle and expense. 😩

If she really wanted her friends there she would have done something affordable

This x 100.

And demanding better and better reasons from OP when she always lets her down with invitations? No chance I’d be going.

you say firmly 9 months is still little, I don’t want to leave my baby for that long.
I went away for 2 nights alone when my second was 9 months, then there were strikes and I couldn’t get back till a day later, I cried a lot that extra night at not having my baby back!

And it easily can still be that and would be much more fun, less stressful, and more inclusive!

If I had asked someone to give up three days of work and £1.5K for my hen, I would definitely have been treated like a self-centred CF, because it’s fucking mad. How much is the bloody wedding costing if the hen costs this much??? The more expensive the wedding and engagement ring (possibly barring wealthy families for whom it’s proportionate to income), the more likely the eventual divorce. Don’t waste your time, OP; as harsh as it sounds, you can catch Wedding #2 and by then, you can just claim that you knew her now-exH was a wrong’un 😂

The direct research: papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2501480

Crazy

£1500 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on going to someone’s hen do !
Plus her assumption your husband/ partner can just take that much time off without losing work to care for your baby is ridiculous .

Who cares whether it's unreasonable or not. You don't need a reason not to attend.