AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

Hens are completely ridiculous these days. The last one I went on was cocktails and dinner at a super restaurant. That's it. No drama and it was perfect.

Don’t do it. It’s not just the expense and the naffness, it’s also that you might well find leaving for baby for nearly a week far too much at that age.

I went to a UK hen do for a weekend when my dd was the same age. It was nice to have a bit of a break but by the end I was feeling quite stressed to be apart from her and couldn’t wait to get home!

She sounds utterly selfish - and does it not occur to her that other people’s leave inc. the OP’s dh’s - is precious?

TBH so many hen do’s have become totally self indulgent, bridezilla nonsense.

Best answer 😆😆

No is all you need to say. Don't even give a reason. Just NO

Absolutely crazy price and 5 days for a hen do!!

I think there will be limited attendance, even with her pressuring/bullying/guilting people into going.

If she wants attendance then she needs to prove accessible and affordable options - so an evening out locally.

I'm not sure that I see where the problem is. You've been invited and for many valid reasons,you do not fancy it. Surely,the answer is just "no,but thank you for inviting me". No need for any drama.

@catmothertes1 OP has tried that and got pushback from the bride to be.

Stay firm, OP! It's your first baby, and you don't know how things will pan out - you might well still be breastfeeding.
Many posters have said to just say no and you don't need to explain. But personally I think it's fine to explain, as long as you say firm.
Eg "It's a no, because X, Y and Z. Hope you have a great time and I'll try to have a drink/meal with you around that time to celebrate instead."

Absolutely. Developing it and adding excuses just complicates matters and has already resulted in pushback. With people like this you have to be clear and direct.

I agree.

"I have alreaady said no. Please don't ask again. The answer will always be no"

She's the type to get easily upset/offended

….and people like this use that technique to push others down and bend others to their will, it’s a horrible trait and I see it with my friends who have other friends like this. There are so many threads on mumsnet alone from people who just can’t bear to simply say no or decline and people take advantage of that.

I always say using less words is best. Don’t give reasons, always just say ‘Thank you so much for the invite but I sadly can’t make it’. They may push for a reason and the easy reason that people tend to accept over all others is always ‘I have something else booked in that weekend’.

You will have a baby
You may be breastfeeding
ypu are on maternity leave, so whilst 1.5k is far too much to spend on a hen do, when no income for 9m it is far too much
you may have had to return to work so would have to waste precious annual leave on hen do and less days for own child

you could pay for a family holiday for the 3 of you with 1.5 k so selfish to spend it on the hen!

No is a complete sentence.

@LeaLeek

Have you been invited to her wedding, OP?

Absolutely.

Absolutely do not go.
You don’t want to go - I can feel it - so stick to the reasons you’ve given. If she’s huffy with you then let her be.
Google ‘Mel Robbins Let Them Oprah’ and listen to that.
Your family’s wellbeing - kids, finances etc - come first.

No Is a complete sentence. Kids and finances aside she doesn’t deserve such a commitment from you.

I can't think of anything worse than a five day hen do, absolutely ridiculous.
Add in the fact I'd have to leave my baby, it would be a definite no.
If she was a good friend she would respect your decision.

She’ll also be pissed as anyone who declines will bump up the price for others unless she reconsiders some aspects of the trip. Serves her right. £1.5k for a hen is obnoxious.

I wouldn’t go on that, even if I didn’t have a baby. In fact, I’d be inclined to have a baby just to get out of it.

😂😂This made my morning!

Outrageous request by the bride!! Just say no and mean it!

'No. This is not how I want to spend my money or expend my limited annual leave' is all you need to say.

She can't really go anywhere with that. Avoid offering detailed explanations as these will be used as a starting point for negotiation.

These ridiculously expensive pre-wedding holidays are an enormous demand to make on others as though it's some kind of pre-given right. I wonder about the personality types of those who do so.

Weddings are not that important. Sorry, but they're really not.

Just say no, that won't work for us. End of.

5 days and £1.5k is fucking ridiculous. The only good thing about it is it is sooooo outrageous it actually makes it easy to say no. Where do people get off with this entitled shit?

But you'd best get it done nice and clear now because the worst of all worlds is to begrudgingly say yes to avoid her reaction then have to try to get out of it later when you'll be numbing the price up for the rest of the poor saos forking out for this absolutely outrageous shindig.

l would refuse whether l had a baby or not, 1.5k iss half my annual holiday budget (for 2) l also wouldn't consider using up precious leave- this is a hen do so the focus is not going to be on relaxing- a hard no.