AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

No is no - you will get very good at saying no as you get used to parenting.
I would never take few days off for a holiday of someone else's choosing. Situations like this I might go if 2 days wouldn't even entertain idea for 5. Babies aside.
Definitely wouldn't expect husband to take days of work and wouldn't t take days off work for him to go away. Holiday days are precious better he take a few to do things with you when on maternity leave.
Then the cost, depending on your job but most people do not earn full amount while on maternity leave so wouldn't have a spare 1.5k for a hen.
If you really wanted to go but circumstances didn't allow it I would just book flights/accommodation myself and join them for 2 days. But it doesn't even sound like you really want to go.
If there is a lot drama it may be that this friendship has just ran it's course.
Discussion on what app groups makes everything more complicated and dramatic learning point doing join them too readily.

As she’s flaky and not a best friend it doesn’t really matter how she reacts. I would just say sorry DH can’t take time off and as we’ll have a young baby we can’t afford it. Your DH’s work schedule isn’t her business and neither are your finances, as long as you don’t usually chat to her about how you’re loaded!
A 5 day trip for £1.5k is insane for someone else’s hen do. You won’t be the first one who uses finances as a reason/excuse. So did she actually ask questions on the group chat or was this a private message?

Keep it simple!! Just No!!

Regardless of many other reasons, I wouldn't have wanted to leave my baby that long, I was happy to be away 24 hours by that stage but then pining to get back!

you don't have to explain, don't feel coerced into something you don't want to do - you have reasonable reasons and won't enjoy it if you do go.

I wouldn't be going either. You don't seem to like her all that much, why waste DH's leave and 1.5k on someone you don't like going to a place you don't want to go to. Have a little family holiday instead. The friendship doesn't sound like it's worth much so if she falls out with you, so be it.

You don't need or want her in your life, so just say no, and move on.

Just say no, no need to keep making excuses to BTB .

I would be honest and tell them its not something you want to do. You don't need an excuse but obviously having a baby is a genuine reason why you can't go.

Personally, anyone who knows me well enough to invite me on a foreign hen do would also know that I wouldn't want to go. The thought of spending my money and (even more valuable) annual leave to go on holiday with someone else's family and friends is absurd to me.
I honestly don't think someone getting married is justification to inconvenience myself so much. A night out to celebrate a friend/relative getting married is more than enough.

Is the group chat for the hen do? If so, I'd just put a message on there saying 'as I'm not able to come to the hen do, I'll be leaving the group, have a great time everyone'.

That'd be the end of it.

9 months is peak separation anxiety time.

But you don’t want to go.

You don’t have to justify it.

“One way and another this has to be a no from me. Have a fantastic time, lots of love xxx”

As she is so insistent, perhaps others are pushing back too.

Just grey rock if she keeps on at you.

No way I would have left a nine-month old for that long. Five days for a hen do is just painful. Any hen do full stop us just painful.

OP, is this your friend by any chance??
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5527478-aibu-to-feel-upset-there-are-no-photos-of-my-proposal

I wouldn’t go even if I had no baby. She sounds like a selfish entitled twat. You’ve said no so just ignore her now.

People like her need to hear the truth: I'm not coming because I don't want to.

These destination hen parties and weddings wind me up. Even if you had a spare £1.5k and you didn't have a baby why would you spend that to fuss over someone else?

A friend managed to turn my 40th into one of her hen dos and then wanted a "hen anniversary" every year. No.

I didn't go to another friend's hen do because I was a single parent and I was going to her destination wedding. They all gave me such a hard time about it.

Whether your friend likes it or not you are not going. It's ridiculous.

This is not an 'invite'. An invite is when everything is paid for. That is an invite. Same applies to 'there will be a cash bar at our wedding'. If you can't pay for guests to drink at your wedding, you can't afford the wedding. Same goes for hen dos - if you can't pay for everything apart from guests' airplane tickets, you can't afford it. We should call things by their real names - life becomes easier if we call black black and white white, plain. So rephrase 'would I like to contribute 1.5K to somebody else's celebration'? And you will get your answer. It helps me a lot, seriously, plain speak.

Why are you even on this forum if you don’t enjoy reading about the drama!?

Is this what weddings have become reduced to. And I use the word reduced with meaning.
What a tasteless way to celebrate before your wedding. A lack of class or what.

If you are expecting your girlfriends to go abroad I do think you should actually pay for them to go. If you cannot afford to do that then you don’t go. You do something locally.

And that is before the practicalities. She sounds uncaring. Your baby needs you. Do not go. I would expect a decent woman to understand that. She sounds like a rather silly one.

Hi
Again thanks for the new replies. I did already say no when she asked me but she wanted to know why and that's when she said my husband can sort childcare and this was in person not via message so I saw her reaction which wasn't great.
This is why I was quite taken aback as you've noticed we are not super close, we used to be best friends a long time ago but grew apart as we got older but still kept in touch. You are right, if she doesn't understand she's not worth having, in my life. She also knows it's taken us years of treatment to get here so I thought she would be more understanding, although I get it, my issues are nothing to do with her and its not her problem.

Thanks again!!

I'd be inclined to have a baby to get out of it too, and I'm a man!

‘Thank you so much for the invite! Unfortunately I’m unable to attend, have a wonderful time’

just keep sending that, you don’t need an excuse

Fuck that. Baby or no baby.

Just say no, it's really easy plus you're an adult so you are allowed to..........

It's not your problem that "she's the type to get easily upset/offended". You don't want to go for perfectly valid reasons (and even if you had no reason other than you didn't want to). If that upsets or offends her, tough. That's her problem, not yours to tip-toe around or worst case, end up agreeing to go just to keep her sweet.