AIBU to decline a five-day Marbella hen do with a baby?

[LeaLeek]

My friend has invited me to an abroad hen do in Marbella for 5 days next year in early summer. We are close friends but not best friends however in the past she has always let me down with celebrations to the point I just stopped inviting her.

I am not keen on going as the cost is looking to be around 1.5k which I think is too much however I will also be a first time mum and my baby will be 9 months by then. I thought this would be a good enough reason but she wasn't really impressed saying I can just leave the baby with my husband. My husband is a contractor which pays well and him taking 3 days leave for me to go to a hen do is a waste and we also want to save his leave for when I go back to work. What else can I say to her that doesn't include financial/money excuses? Also she has 2 young girls and says she has left them with family when they were babies and had no issues.

She’s leaning on you hoping for domino effect. If you fall for the bullying, she can say ‘look, LeaLeek is coming - you’re going to be missing out’ etc. Don’t fall for it!

I would say no, unfortunately it doesn’t work for me, sorry, but have a great time.

Cheryl, it’s not really my thing. I hope you have a brilliant time though!

If she gets offended- that’s her problem. She doesn’t sound like a great friend anyway. Would you miss her if she flounced from the friendship?

It's time for her to start growing up and accepting that people have other priorities as life gets in the way of frivoloity and self indulgence. Her hen do expectations are ridiculous.

She’s absolutely mad to have this hen do. A long weekend would be better. Just say no.

My NDN’s baby is 10 months and currently is ill with a temperature. You can’t leave them at that age.

I wouldn’t have left my 9 month old for 5 days and gone to another country. Yes, she’d have been safe and happy with dad, but that’s not the point. I was in a different headspace after I had her, I WANTED to be a home and be with her.

If this trip goes ahead and by that point you’re craving a break then you could look into joining them for a couple of days but honestly I think follow your gut. This doesn’t feel like a high priority friend/trip.

OP you sound like someone who likes to be on good terms with everyone, which is a nice way to be. However as you get older you realise that it’s difficult and very heavy on you to maintain this approach. If I were you I’d look for ways to achieve my goals without drama or confrontation (which I imagine you dread).

So, here, I’d say nothing to prolong it given that you have declined. If it crops up again, tbh that is cheeky and pushy and I’d say on repeat, ‘thank you so much. I’m really sad I can’t make it but hope you have a fantastic time’

Then, I’d strongly consider leaving the group
OR just ignoring updates from it and picking them up after a few days each time. You aren’t a slave to WhatsApp.

As above, 'sorry I can't make it, have a great time' is enough of a response. My kids are teens and I still wouldn't go on this unless it was a very close friend and we had planned it together. That money would be paying for a family holiday or holiday for me and DH. Anyone who gets arsey with you for not going is a twat and I wouldn't even bother going to her wedding.

I dont have a baby i would still decline even if i wast a parent at all

I'm about to go away with a friend for more than a week. That costs less than 1500pp then I'm going with my husband for 11 nights. That also costs less than 1500pp. Neither of those holidays are to somewhere cheap.

No way would i be spending that kind of money and be asking husband to lose 3 days of work and leave my baby behind for somewhere I have not chosen wyth people I don't really know.

'My husband doesnt want to use his leave for your hen do. Have a great time really looking forward to seeing the photos.' And leave it at that. Honestly if she kicks off, losing a 'friend' like that is no loss.

Personally I wouldn’t leave my family for 5 days for a hen do, I certainly wouldn’t have left a 9 month old. If it was me, I would be honest and say that too. It’s ok to not want to go, you don’t need an excuse you have a reason not to go - you want to be at home with your family.

Glad you are holding firm OP. You just don't know how you'll feel about leaving a 9 month old, you may be breastfeeding still, your DH may not be able to get tome off, you may struggle to fork out 1500 quid ! So many reasons and you are quite right to say no

Why are you letting this sometime-friend (and even that's debatable) make you question yourself? It sounds impossible for you to attend. You don't have childcare, your partner is working, it's really expensive, and you don't seen to even like each other much.

Yeah just don’t go.

I wouldn’t even without a baby!! Expensive and unnecessary.

just hold firm and say it’s doesn’t work for you. Or just stop responding!!

Just tell her that you wouldn't leave your baby at that young age and also you can't afford it/haven't got the budget for it, especially with the new baby, but you are super excited for her and can't wait to see pics and hear all about it.

Maybe tell her that if she's doing a night out closer to home for the ones that can't do the holiday then you are up for that.

Don't be guilted.

Just say no.

If you don’t want to go, don’t.

i dont want to
if you feel that is too blunt
i dont want to leave my baby

Well why didnt you just say its a ludicrous idea to go on a hen do for several days, in another country and pay what is akin to the cost of 2 family holidays. So no I wont be coming, but have a nice time.

Who thinks up these ideas and thinks they're appropriate, who has the money for this? Our holidays are around 1k each time, at a push, at a real push, these people are clearly from a different world.

I just paid £1400 for a 7 day all inclusive holiday with my husband and toddler which was absolutely lovely. £1500 for one person to go to a hen party for 5 days is an absolute joke. She sounds selfish and entitled.

Just say you can’t afford it as you’ll be on maternity leave/or just gone back. Not unreasonable!

I think leaving the group chat is a good call. I would just post something along the lines of "as I won't be joining you in Marbella I'll leave you to it. Looking forward to hearing all about it when you get back. Let me know if you are doing something local as well" then leave the chat.

I wouldn’t leave the baby.
I wouldn’t spend the money.
I wouldn’t want to have her as my friend.