Sick of parenting. AIBU to lie to get a break?

[iwonderwhythen]

I work three days a week. One day is a shorter day; the trade off for this is that I come in twice a year to help with something I’m quite knowledgeable about.

Originally I was asked to come in next Tuesday (I don’t work Tuesdays.) I checked with DH he was OK to take a days annual leave and have the children; he agreed. Now I’m not needed after all. I haven’t told him.

I am planning to just have a day to myself.

AIBU?

I would be really pissed off if I was trying to help my partner out and took annual leave to support them only for them to treat me like a mug and sneak off for the day.
If you need a day off, tell him. But don't be devious and take the piss.

How would you feel if your DH did this? I wouldn’t be happy if mine did this, so I wouldn’t do it.if you need a break, have an adult conversation about that with your DH.

Yeah you are lying to your partner so that makes you a dick for starters. If you need a break then tell him and act like an adult instead of a child

I think it's fine to want a day to yourself, but agree with previous comments not to lie about it. Presumably you would have to be out the house all day anyway to get the child free day (unless you are assuming he is taking the children out) so would have to get up and act as if going to work, so surely it would be easier to tell the truth.

I'd be looking at why you are so burnt out and unsupported that this is the only way you get some time off of parenting?

Also I wouldn't lie as what if next week your work call you in on a Tuesday and you need DH to have the kids?

Just tell your partner and say you want to do xyz. I am sure it's going to be fine

If you need to lie to get a break, your DH doesn't deserve your honesty anyway. In your situation I'd tell DH I don't need to work now but could do with a break, he would keep the days leave and I would have a break.

My DH is ND and has serious rejection sensitivity. My children are also ND.

At least once a year I say I have to travel for work when I don't and book a hotel an hour away for a proper break and a decent night's sleep. I save 3 days annual leave specifically for this.

I don't state the real reason because I will be met with the sulks and a guilt trip. So instead I lie. So shoot me.

I think it’s really mean to let him use his a/l
for this unless there’s a back story that he’s a dickhead.

You should be able to take a break from parenting in an honest way.

Can you not book a hotel for 1 night at the weekend solo?

If your DH is a complete dickhead, then I guess it’s fine. Wouldn’t you be pissed off if he did the same to you?

I would just talk to him. My DH would be totally fine with this, especially if he’d already booked the annual leave etc.

If DH did this I wouldn’t care.

I would want to check he wasn’t having an affair however.

How old are the dc and where are they on the 3 days you work? Does dh get a break ever?

That sounds like you'd care quite a lot 😂

So - our children are only young. One is in reception, the other is two.

It probably does make me a dick but I know if I was honest he wouldn’t book the day off, and he has plenty of annual leave left and takes days for himself a fair bit.

It’s never been the most equal relationship in terms of caring for children / housework / cooking but lately things have been ridiculous. Trying to be factual here - DH is suffering from unidentified but chronic pain. He regularly lies down for long periods, he leaves literally everything to me and makes a massive deal out of tiny tasks. I am very tired.

@iwonderwhythen JFDI you deserve time for yourself.

However once properly rested, you do need to have a bigger and harder conversation around getting equal support.

Having ready your update, I have more sympathy. If he has lots of time to himself but you don’t get any opportunity then fair enough. But it’s a sad relationship if you can’t communicate openly.

No. Discuss it. Come up with some solutions as a couple. Probably save his annual leave day and arrange to have a weekend day to yourself instead.
Or you use one of your annual leave days instead and have a day off when the kids are in childcare( or whatever you normally do on your work days).
Just lying is sly and risks getting caught out. At that point you lose any higher ground you might have to ask him to help more.

If I was in chronic pain, and my partner lied to me, I would be really angry. If he's in pain, and you're exhausted, you both need to work together to try and find solutions that work for you both. Asking friends and family? Trying to adjust work patterns? Seeking more help from the GP (for your husband)? Not lying.

I don’t think you should lie.

But equally it’s an absolute piss take that DH is using lots of annual leave on himself while I presume, yours is usually taken up in childcare?

If you are going to take Tuesday off I’d use it to plan what you want from the conversation you need to have with your DH about the current vastly unequal split you have in your relationship.

Day to yourself - reasonable.
Lying to get it- unreasonable.
If he's so useless that a day for yourself isn't something he's willing to facilitate, that's a pretty big problem.

Do what you gotta do OP. Don't overthink it. Take the day and tell a white lie. I guarantee you many ppl do this and just stick to their story x

Do it. When my kids were at preschool, I suddenly found I had a spare day, I’ve never forgotten the sense of freedom! I took myself off to my nearest city, had a coffee, a lovely uninterrupted browse in a bookshop, brought a new pair of jeans and work trousers (both desperately needed due to postpartum weight loss) and a new comfy pair on work shoes as my feet widened during pregnancy and never went back to their much narrower pre baby form, it was a brilliant day! My husband would have been well pissed that I wasn’t catching up on chores, even though he had plenty of free time.

Not only would I be taking the day to myself I’d be doing it regularly. Your DH sounds like he gets plenty of time to himself with you doing it all. And I’d spend my days alone planning a divorce.

The solutions would not work.

DH wouldn’t want me to have ‘a weekend day to myself.’ He could have offered any time in the last three years. He hasn’t, because he doesn’t want both children together all day. And I don’t want him to either as the house would be trashed. So to use a very MN phrase, that doesn’t work for me.

I don’t have annual leave. I’m a teacher.

Yes, I know ideally I’d be able to say ‘darling I am burnt out and exhausted and I desperately need this day.’ But that’s not my reality. I probably wouldn’t have lied if I hadn’t originally been asked to go in but as it is I’m Just Not Telling!