Sick of parenting. AIBU to lie to get a break?

[iwonderwhythen]

I work three days a week. One day is a shorter day; the trade off for this is that I come in twice a year to help with something I’m quite knowledgeable about.

Originally I was asked to come in next Tuesday (I don’t work Tuesdays.) I checked with DH he was OK to take a days annual leave and have the children; he agreed. Now I’m not needed after all. I haven’t told him.

I am planning to just have a day to myself.

AIBU?

@Moonnstarz If you are going to do it then you should do as someone above says and to say you are no longer needed in work and that as the leave is already booked then he should go ahead with whatever he would do with the toddler that day.

I can’t speak for the op but for me that would have gone something like
”ok I’ll cancel my leave then”
or
“As I’m no longer needed then I’ll get on with xyz” - Jobs that need doing (but not urgently) and that I can’t argue against because they are useful but that still mean I’m in charge of the toddler.

Or if I pushed further and said “I thought as you’re off I’d go for a walk/go to the shops/have a bit of time to myself” He’d insist on us all going together and I’d still be the default parent, get everything ready etc then we’d have got home and he’d have sat on the sofa/gone for a nap whilst I got on with parenting/making dinner etc.

As I said before it is no longer like this, but when the dc were tiny it was. He wasn’t intentionally being a dick, he just didn’t understand, and me trying to make him understand led to arguments. He immediately went on the defensive and thought I was saying he did nothing when what I was trying to express was that occasionally I needed to be able to do something by myself without small children attached to me and that he didn’t understand how intense it was because he was never fully responsible for them 24/7. In his mind I was already doing what I wanted all day everyday because I wasn’t at work-he couldn’t comprehend that there was no opportunity to do what I wanted whilst looking after an 18 month old and a 4 year old all day (as well as two older ones outside of school hours)

Well you are drained as well as doing all the holidays byself

dh needs to man up a bit over telling off and boundaries and reinforce toys go back /cushions back on sofa

or could he take them out to he park /soft play /swimming /national trust and have a run around for a few hours so you can recharge batteries

Not sure why you don’t get the 30hrs / if dh earns too much then there should be extra to put 2yr into nursery for an extra half /full day

Agree

It's not hard at all. I'm guessing he uses every scrap of energy he has to keep going w his job and is only able to do so if he then rests at the weekend.

Sounds like he needs a part time job but he may not want that, nor may the OP unless he then uses some of the tie he's not working to pick up the slack at home.

@iwonderwhythen I came on here to say YABU but actually you've convinced me - take your day.
But also think hard about your future.

It is absolutely fine to say that you think it is wrong; that you wouldn’t do it and that you think it is immoral / repugnant / wrong - no issue there.

What is tedious is the insistence he will find out, accusing me of staying because of money, the repeated insistence over and over that I’m entitled to thirty hours (no but even if I was I work three days which would take those up anyway!) etc.

It just gets boring and circular. I partly agree it’s wrong to lie but it’s really not unique.

I have five children two years between them.when they were little I had absolutely no help from anyone.my husband always working,in laws and my own mum never helped out once.i worked part time.my asthma used to be very bad and life was hell.for goodness sake get on with it.

Yeah I do thanks. Good to know it’s only me who has to get on with it; DH is notably exempt.

Read whole thread. With circumstances the way they are. Take the bloody day. You need it

Can you tell DH and spend a day with him and the children? Or explain to him that you feel exhausted and are going to have a day to yourself. Don't lie or be devious.

As I said in my first message, she should address the issues in the relationship head on. But it's abundantly clear from this thread that she won't because 'yes, but......'. And now she's got a whole team of mumsnetters like you yes butting on her behalf.

If I did what you suggest, which is to tackle things head on, nothing would change. He’d whine and complain pain / annual leave / not my fault and things would continue.

if I took the nuclear option and ended the marriage (I hope it won’t come to that but it may have to if things don’t improve) then I still wouldn’t get a break.

So it just doesn’t solve the issue, any issue. I’m not being intentionally difficult; it just doesn’t.

Can you just book your 2 year old into an extra day of nursery? Then have a day to yourself?
I don't mean all the time, just a one off if they can fit her in? My nursery do that for Christmas shopping etc.

It’s too expensive, or I would

Tell him in a matter of fact way at the last second. Blame them for the late notice (don't say how late).
"School told me that I'm not needed today after all. Shame they didn't do that before the arrangements were made! Nevermind - I'm popping out now, see you at x o'clock"
Don't constantly pander to him to keep the peace, you'll lose yourself and it's not good for him either.

I’d just get lumbered with the two year old! No! 😂 if I’m going to do it it needs to be done properly. Otherwise it’s a waste for everybody.

But wouldn't the money be worth it? Assuming it's about £48

Yeah lying to you're other half, that's healthy. Hell no, talk to him.

A bit more than that! More like £94!

Why do you not get the 30hrs

you say too expensive but surely the odd day is money well spent v your mental health if dh isn’t going to change /help you at all

I see that you changing isn't on your list of options.

Why does she need to change? She's not the one who refuses to look after her own children?

Everyone is very fixated on this 😂 DH earns too much. No, that doesn’t mean we’re loaded and can just fling money at nursery whenever - it’s already expensive plus mortgage and other bills. It costs £900 to have her in three days a week as it is.

Agree.
It seems they have reached a point in their relationship where they can't talk about the big issues but she is also reluctant to leave him because it is 'easier and more practical' to stay.

It also sounds like he never pulled his weight (It’s never been the most equal relationship in terms of caring for children / housework / cooking) so why she decided having two children with this man was a good idea I don't know.

I would suggest maybe counselling to give her the chance to say how she feels with someone impartial present would be a good idea, but I expect the excuse for that would be too expensive and no childcare.

It's very important to look after your own health.

If you are in the type of relationship that your DH isn't understanding of things others take for granted or are easily had then you will have to lie.

I have read on here most days of women checking into hotels for a night's break having lied to their partners that they are working with lots of suggestions of what food and drinks to have and cheering them on.

You're going out for a few hours, huge for you not such a big deal for others as we can do this when we want so probably find it hard to understand. Go and have a good day, don't feel guilty and look after yourself.

Having read the entire thread I think you're justified in lying/failing to inform him.
You can't pour from an empty cup and all that.

How much medical input has he had into the chronic pain issue? Is there still a chance they might find the cause, or is it at the stage where they've ruled out everything and basically said he has to suck it up?