Page 4 | Sick of parenting. AIBU to lie to get a break?

iwonderwhythen · 2026-05-09T19:12:46+00:00

I work three days a week. One day is a shorter day; the trade off for this is that I come in twice a year to help with something I’m quite knowledgeable about. Originally I was asked to come in next Tuesday (I don’t work Tuesdays.) I checked with DH he was OK to take a days annual leave and have the children; he agreed. Now I’m not needed after all. I haven’t told him. I am planning to just have a day to myself. AIBU?

BellsAllTheTime · 10/05/2026 08:33

BellsAllTheTime · 10/05/2026 08:29

I suffer from a long term chronic pain. It makes just general life absolutely exhausting. Living with a constant level of pain is exhausting. I don't lie down because I fancy a break, I'd much rather be participating in family life.

I lie down because my mind can't force my body to go on any longer. I feel constantly guilty for not being able to be the kind of parent/employee I could be if I was at 100% capacity. I feel like I'm constantly failing everyone.

I try really hard to make sure DH's life isn't affected by it. I tend to sacrifice work over home because I'm replaceable at work but not at home.

Sometimes I find out DH is in fact doing more at work than he actually needs to - he could do a school run or take a day off with a sick child allowing me to go to work, but he chooses to prioritise appearing completely dependable and going above and beyond at work. His work is known to offer flexibility and family-life balance, he chooses not to take it.

The difference here is I do the vast majority of the kids and he goes to work because I have lots or flexibility and work part-time, but he is full time and career building.

I do resent him when I find out he's prioritising being the ideal employee, because he's basically prioritising himself. But it's a long-term repeated choice to put that first and leave me to struggle.

I get that you're exhausted and need a break too. With kids that young and work everyone needs a break, it is absolutely exhausting in and of itself.

Honestly I think it's OK to do as you're proposing - you're working and looking after the kids. But I don't think it's going to fix your problem long-term. You need to find a bit more available space for yourself somehow or you will burn out and it sounds like everyone depends on you, so that's not an option.

If you're going to do it, then don't waste it feeling guilty.

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Sorry that post turned out very all about me !

I think it was meant to be a - take it from someone who is in chronic pain that it's OK to take some time for yourself.

You're the person who everyone depends on, just do what you need to do to keep showing up for everyone else.

Long term health problems impact everyone in a household. Your DH ought to have more awareness of that. I make space for my DH despite struggling. If he isn't going to do that himself then take what you need to be able to keep showing up for your kids.

Newrun · 10/05/2026 08:35

It is hard to articulate and I told a friend at the time and she was shocked and asked why I hadn’t just told him I wanted to go for a coffee and a walk around the shops after my appointment. She was worried there was abuse and there wasn’t at all but there was an imbalance in parenting and at that particular time I’d have been made to feel more guilty for not rushing straight back afterwards than I did for just taking that time by not telling him as soon as the appointment was done.

I wouldn’t need to do that now, but back then it absolutely felt justified.

Owly11 · 10/05/2026 08:37

This is a bit of a 'yes but' thread. You are rejecting all suggestions and really just want validation for what you have decided to do. It will be better all round if the issues are addressed head on. When a relationship gets to the stage of this level of lying and sneakiness it is on its last legs. Maybe that's the thing you are avoiding.

Didimum · 10/05/2026 08:38

If you’re partner won’t take time off for your wellbeing without you having to lie about it then you’ve got much bigger problems than just being exhausted from small kids.

TheShins · 10/05/2026 08:45

Take the time for yourself and don’t feel a moment of guilt over it.

BitterTits · 10/05/2026 08:47

YANBU as long as you wouldn't object to your DH taking a sneaky day of AL to do the same, but why don't you just work full time if you want a better balance?

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 08:51

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 08:07

He works a lot - we don’t often see much of him during the week. So I am used to parenting solo, and as anyone in the same position probably knows you do get used to getting on yourself. What has been more of a struggle of late is that even really small things have been difficult, we normally divide and conquer for swimming lessons but can’t at the moment, and so on. So I have them both (unless the eldest is at school) and it’s that which is very draining.

Despite my justifications, I wouldn’t have told an outright lie, as in, I was scheduled to go in but then wasn’t needed after all. But then I was about to casually mention to DH and then thought … hang on. and the more I thought about it the more alluring it became.

@Moonnstarz of course he sees people. That doesn’t really answer the question though. How on earth would he know that I am not in work that day unless he went to quite a lot of trouble to find out? Tbh a number of times one of my own colleagues hasn’t been in work and I haven’t noticed and I’ve been in the same building! But if you routinely bump into school parents in coffee shops and those parents know your working days and whether or not you’ve deviated from them that week we move in different worlds

It is fine to believe I am in the wrong. It is tedious making up ridiculous sagas to explain why I ‘will’ be found out. This particular saga involves my non coffee drinking husband going to a coffee shop (the nearest one is in the next town which is twenty minutes in the wrong direction to where I work) bumping into a school mum who knows me well enough to know that I don’t normally work Tuesdays and somehow knows (how?) that I said I was at work that day and I am not.

What the hell 😂

@Meadowfinch because he wouldn’t ‘accept’ that. He’d whine and complain about annual leave and why don’t I just go at the weekend and then at the weekend he’d be in agony and I’d feel bad or end up having at least one child with me.

Thanks @Newrun . It’s somehow hard to articulate isn’t it? Other mums get it but DH wouldn’t and it would lead to bickering and top trumps with tiredness and also him feeling justified to vanishing acts (which he’s prone to.)

I think you misunderstood plus none of us know your exact circumstances. Some of the parents I was friendly with in reception did know my working days as on the days I didn't work we would sometimes do things together (if they had a little one we would go to a group together, or if they didn't they might go for a walk with me after the school drop to catch up briefly). I was not saying your partner would be at the coffee shop, rather you and this might then be mentioned at school pick up when your husband is collecting your school aged child.
As I said, I don't know if you have friends at school or not, but lies often come back and catch people out and you are on a slippery slope if you can't be honest with your partner.

If you are going to do it then you should do as someone above says and to say you are no longer needed in work and that as the leave is already booked then he should go ahead with whatever he would do with the toddler that day.

You still haven't really said what you intend to do that day. Some people on here suggesting spa days etc I think have missed the point you are saying you have no money for extra childcare, so surely this day to yourself will also need to be low cost.

You seem to have the standard MN issue of a man who can presumably do what he wants (able to go to work and I bet can meet his friends when he takes leave for himself) but the moment he is asked to help the family he vanishes/pleads illness.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 10/05/2026 08:56

Just take the day off. It's one day. It's one small lie that barely affects anything (except you get a much needed rest). I think you've clearly reflected on the bigger picture, so you can address that when you have the energy.

FYI, if I were your DH in this situation and I found out you'd lied, although I might be a bit pissed off, I would be more inclined to think about why you felt you needed to lie in the first place and how I could support you.

MrsClattenburg · 10/05/2026 09:00

Just do it then @iwonderwhythen and stop biting back when others say why they wouldn't want to.

Original poster

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 09:06

@Owly11 i guess because I know the circumstances.

but if I tell him the truth he’ll go into work
but we aren’t entitled to thirty hours
but I can’t take annual leave

etc (missed some) that’s not to say they aren’t good suggestions, just that I can’t use them.

@BellsAllTheTime it is hard. I’d be more sympathetic if I’d been given more of a break post c sections / in pregnancy I think.

@BitterTits i don’t want to work full time and even if I did my two year old wouldn’t want me to if that makes sense. I literally just want a day where I’m not either parenting or at work.

@Newrun i Am genuinely grateful you understand!

@Moonnstarz” i haven’t said what I’m intending to do that day” does it matter? I’m not meaning that contentiously, genuine question. Does it make a difference? And if I was seen at the non existent coffee shop then so what? I’d be at work not prison plus if I had been going in it wouldn’t quite have been a ‘normal ’ working day. Either way it’s a bit of a long shot that during my day ‘off’ I am in a coffee shop and I am Seen (feel like professor snape in the chamber of secrets here) and this is duly reported to DH. It seems like you just want to believe I will be ‘caught.’ It’s so remote as to not even bother thinking about tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 09:07

MrsClattenburg · 10/05/2026 09:00

Just do it then @iwonderwhythen and stop biting back when others say why they wouldn't want to.

I’m not biting? Just talking.

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Bridesmaidorexfriend · 10/05/2026 09:09

Owly11 · 10/05/2026 08:37

This is a bit of a 'yes but' thread. You are rejecting all suggestions and really just want validation for what you have decided to do. It will be better all round if the issues are addressed head on. When a relationship gets to the stage of this level of lying and sneakiness it is on its last legs. Maybe that's the thing you are avoiding.

You don’t need to be that deep to see the relationship is on its last legs, she’s said that it is. If the suggestions are don’t lie, just talk to him it’s not helpful when she truly believes he’ll say no. The other advice is leave, she’s weighed that up already and thinks that will make her life more difficult. So what should she do?

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 09:09

Why aren't you entitled to 30 hours? I thought everyone got that now 🤔

It seems you are going to lie regardless so not sure what the point is in posting (unless wanting sympathy for having a lazy good for nothing husband).

FourSevenThree · 10/05/2026 09:14

Ok. From what you say you are not in a territory of good options any more. You are choosing from bad options only. Once we acknowledge it, it narrows the path.

There is a reasonable chance that things will improve in two years, so there is a specific time frame and you've decided it's worth trying to survive those two years and keep the family together.

I'd say do it. And, write a letter addressed to him. What would you want to tell him now, if he had capacity to listen. Explaining that you were scheduled for work, than it was withdrawn, and you realised you just can't tell him so. You are so tired, but taking time of on the weekend when he would have both children doesn't work and you both know it. So you've made the decision to not tell him now. You don't make it lightly, but right now find it a question of survival. Apology if you feel like it.

Seal it in an envelope with a date. And don't send/give it to him. Keep it.

If he finds out, you can give it to him as a way of explanation. If you decide to open a discussion later, you'll have this note readily at hand.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/05/2026 09:15

Obv cronic pain can come and go but I find it hard to understand how he can work a lot through the week and not be around but then not help you out at home over the weekend

sounds like he uses his pain as an excuse

the 30hrs will that come in when toddler is 3?

so you get no respite /help school holidays and do all yourself ? Due to being a teacher

I think you need to say to dh you need a few hours every now and again

to grab a coffee by yourself and read a book and disappear 10-2 one sat /sun

what do your kids do to trash a house ?

5yr should be able to help /tidy up etc - 2yr can be taught to help

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 10/05/2026 09:16

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 09:09

Why aren't you entitled to 30 hours? I thought everyone got that now 🤔

It seems you are going to lie regardless so not sure what the point is in posting (unless wanting sympathy for having a lazy good for nothing husband).

Maybe OPs DH is a high earner

Baconking · 10/05/2026 09:17

Where will you go for the day?

I don't think it will be a relaxing day off if you have to find things to do to fill your time (unless you go for a spa day..)

Original poster

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 09:18

Tbf he does struggle @Blondeshavemorefun . But I do think one feeds the other; he struggles with helping because he’s drained from work and I do understand that. It’s just hard knowing something in your head in an academic sense if you like and actually being sympathetic. Initially I was but I’m so worn out now I just think ‘oh shut up’ when he complains which is awful but true.

My five year old trashes the house. Manically gets toys out and strews them around; pulls cushions off the sofa etc. It’s worse with DH as he doesn’t intervene. So I’m not coming back to that.

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Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 09:18

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 10/05/2026 09:16

Maybe OPs DH is a high earner

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Ah so that might be why she doesn't want to leave him.

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 09:20

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 09:18

Tbf he does struggle @Blondeshavemorefun . But I do think one feeds the other; he struggles with helping because he’s drained from work and I do understand that. It’s just hard knowing something in your head in an academic sense if you like and actually being sympathetic. Initially I was but I’m so worn out now I just think ‘oh shut up’ when he complains which is awful but true.

My five year old trashes the house. Manically gets toys out and strews them around; pulls cushions off the sofa etc. It’s worse with DH as he doesn’t intervene. So I’m not coming back to that.

Is this now going to be a drip feed that the son is ND?
Why is he allowed to trash the house? Why aren't the toys being removed? Even if ND there should be consequences to his behaviour.

Original poster

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 09:20

Baconking · 10/05/2026 09:17

Where will you go for the day?

I don't think it will be a relaxing day off if you have to find things to do to fill your time (unless you go for a spa day..)

Ha are you kidding? Not a relaxing day 😂

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UniquePinkSwan · 10/05/2026 09:24

10namechangeslater · 09/05/2026 22:00

Another useless man.

He has chronic pain. Would you describe a woman who had chronic pain useless? I suspect not just another man hater

Original poster

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 09:25

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 09:20

Is this now going to be a drip feed that the son is ND?
Why is he allowed to trash the house? Why aren't the toys being removed? Even if ND there should be consequences to his behaviour.

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He isn’t ND AFAIK.

Did you miss the bit (and I am being a bit terse now as you keep firing questions at me that I’ve answered already) where I said he does it with DH

So the answer as to why he’s being allowed to trash the house is because DH is lazy and has no boundaries with the children which makes my life extremely difficult if I ever leave them with him.

It’s slightly easier with DD as she is less prone to destruction. She could whinge for England but isn’t destructive. Is that an acceptable answer or is there anything else?

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Original poster

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 09:27

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 09:18

Ah so that might be why she doesn't want to leave him.

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You have been extremely argumentative and rude from the start on this thread. Obviously finances play a part but as you said earlier in the thread I don’t earn too badly myself and I also have some independent income myself so all good.

OP posts:

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 09:33

iwonderwhythen · 10/05/2026 09:27

You have been extremely argumentative and rude from the start on this thread. Obviously finances play a part but as you said earlier in the thread I don’t earn too badly myself and I also have some independent income myself so all good.

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You posted in AIBU. And that is what I have answered. YABU for lying to your husband. You have gone on to post various excuses for why you feel you need to do that. Maybe if you wanted just a sympathetic ear to your situation maybe a post in relationships would have been better.
I am not disagreeing that you shouldn't have time to yourself, but the way you are going about it is wrong and shows the bigger issues in your relationship (which it sounds like you agree do exist, but you don't want to leave him because it now sounds like he earns more and therefore you don't want to lose that support).