Sick of parenting. AIBU to lie to get a break?

[iwonderwhythen]

I work three days a week. One day is a shorter day; the trade off for this is that I come in twice a year to help with something I’m quite knowledgeable about.

Originally I was asked to come in next Tuesday (I don’t work Tuesdays.) I checked with DH he was OK to take a days annual leave and have the children; he agreed. Now I’m not needed after all. I haven’t told him.

I am planning to just have a day to myself.

AIBU?

If you're not happy then leave. Lying is wrong and once you decide it's acceptable once, you're on the slippery slope. Is that the person you want to be? A liar?

@Moonnstarz well, yeah 😂 when you need a break so much that this is the only way to get one then clearly.

But it isn’t a straightforward oh leave then. I’ve weighed it up and it is easier staying, and more practical, and better for everyone, especially if I take a pragmatic and long term view. However, I do need to survive myself as well.

@monkeysox we don’t as it happens. But even if we did DC goes to nursery for three days.

I’ve never been away from the children overnight @mumofoneAloneandwell and probably won’t for a good few years. I don’t mind that but I do need some time to myself.

A Liar isn’t the same as a chef or a doctor. In this instance yes, I’m OK with being a liar. I don’t think telling lies is the worst thing you can do and in some instances is not only justified but sensible.

This is surely not the way to live. Being with someone because it is practical. It doesn't sound better for you. Do you even love your partner?

As a former teacher the wage isn't that bad (and something I definitely miss!) so financially you could increase to full time, make sure you are using your entitled free child care (someone has already asked you about this when you said you can't afford an extra day of nursery so not sure why you aren't taking advantage of it) and start making an exit plan.

Well, what do you suggest? I honestly don’t want to sound adversarial there, that isn’t the intention.

But I have the rest of this academic year and then another before both children are at school. I should hopefully have a bit more of a break then.

If I end the marriage, then this goes. I have to navigate co parenting with someone who isn’t particularly helpful and makes my life harder. We have to sell the house, move schools / nurseries, break up a family (and this is a huge thing to do bearing in mind there is no abuse here, at all) and cause a great deal of upheaval and misery.

I would prefer to tell the odd lie to engineer a bit of time for myself to survive.

No it’s a horrible thing to do to your partner, particularly if he’s a helpful and supportive one, why would you let him waste a days leave, just be honest and say how you feel and he might say as he’s taken the day off still go and do something for yourself, lying about it isn’t the basis of a great relationship.

Well, at least you read the thread thoroughly.

So what happens when your partner finds out you are lying? Does he simply not care either?
It sounds like you have both checked out of the relationship in which case.
He doesn't seem to make your life better and seems to be an extra child as he sounds like he only helps occasionally and often takes to his sick bed (and I am not sure how genuine this is from your description).

Well he won’t, will he why would he?

Not only would I do it, I would make sure I did it for the whole allotted time and literally not come back 1 moment before I was expected. Would it be nice for this to be offered? Yes. Will it make a difference to anyone but you? No. Will it make the biggest difference to you and your mental health? Yes. No brainer xx

i think YANBU

He sounds like a difficult person to live with. I’m 10 years on from you in a similar situation. It’s very hard but these are the choices we make.

Take the day for yourself.
Then start to look into how you can get micro moments for yourself. Sign eldest up to Beavers & other clubs where you don’t have to stay. Is there a gym with a crèche nearby you could use on none work days?
Build your networks for future play dates etc.

is DH working?

Does he not ever see or speak to people? So you are going to go out at normal work time (presumably 8) and then not get back til around 5?
Where are you going for all that time? Imagine bumping into other school parents while at the coffee shop and then they mention that to your partner, just a casual nice to see your wife today at Costa. Or is he so detached that he doesn't know anyone.
Also do you have a landline phone? What if the school rang asking if actually you could come in and he then said you were already there? I mean only you will know whether that is likely or not (did they want you to moderate coursework and then said they didn't for example and then could change their minds again).

Totally split here. I'd hate to lie to my DH, however, I've been through the part time teaching/1 in school/1 in nursery/DH not pulling his weight. It was the most tired I have ever been.

Ended up crashing my car and having to take time off work to recover physically/mentally.

It's also a ridiculously busy time for work, especially secondary, so there are added pressures for you.

I hope you are okay.

DH and I ended up having couples therapy. It is helping. I also took up running, and use that as my alone time, to worth through things in my brain.

What happened to being honest? Why don't you tell your dh and say you are desperate for a day to yourself?

Did you post before about his pain condition? If you are the same poster then absolutely lie and take the day. He hides upstairs most of the time he is at home anyway.

Si what good will one day do? Or do you intend to regularly lie and sneak around?

I did similar when my youngest was a toddler and I had two at home with me every day. I was a SAHM and was really struggling with never getting a break.

I had to go for a minor procedure at the hospital. It was a sit and wait appointment and I had to be there for 8am. As it happened I was seen at 9 but I went to a cafe and had a coffee and croissant and read my book for a bit then went in the shops for an hour or so before I told DH I was done. And I told him I was starving so was going to grab lunch before coming home (hospital was an hour away) so I also had a lovely peaceful lunch!

It wasn’t that he would have stopped me but he just didn’t understand how much I needed a little bit of time to myself. If I’d said I wanted to go for a coffee or shopping or lunch he’d have suggested they came too and it wasn’t about doing any of those things but about doing them without having to think about anyone else’s needs. If I’d said “no, I want to be by myself” he’d have got all offended about me not wanting to be with them and inadvertently made me feel guilty. At the time he was working quite long hours and really looked forward to being with the family when he wasn’t at work so he just couldn’t comprehend how I’d want time away from them.

Over the years the balance has shifted and he’s done a lot more solo parenting (rather than being the fun back up parent with me doing most of the actual work involved) and he’d get it now but at the time that little lie saved my sanity.

Having read all your posts but not all the responses, I’d probably pretend not to know I wasn’t needed and then “find out” once I was nearly there. And not wanting him to “waste his day off” or to “interfere in his time with the kids” I would then take myself out of their way and come back later. Probably not say anything but that would be the story in my head.

FWIW you do sound burnt out. I know what you mean about separating, but burnout is really unpleasant and difficult to get over without serious change/sacrifice. If your H is so unhelpful, I think you’re justified in taking the day for yourself. I hope you manage to find a more reliable way forward to get time to yourself in future.

I would take the day.

If he finds out you lied, then you have the conversation about you being exhausted as he can't/won't do much of the parenting when he's home.

I understand it's easier to stay at the moment, so do what you can to share the load.

Enjoy your day off!

I think in these circumstances YANBU. Enjoy your day OP!

It's hard to get advise on here because no one is in your shoes. I would never do that to DH because he's a good partner and does make the effort to contribute to our lives practically and offers me breaks. He would probably say to take the day for myself because he already has the day off. So I could never lie to him.

You're getting no help. If you tell him you won't get a break and this is your only chance for a break for god knows how long.

Urmmm noooooo. Dick move. You only lie about what you’ve got your DH for Christmas and where it’s hidden in a real relationship. Children lie. Adults use their words to communicate

He works a lot - we don’t often see much of him during the week. So I am used to parenting solo, and as anyone in the same position probably knows you do get used to getting on yourself. What has been more of a struggle of late is that even really small things have been difficult, we normally divide and conquer for swimming lessons but can’t at the moment, and so on. So I have them both (unless the eldest is at school) and it’s that which is very draining.

Despite my justifications, I wouldn’t have told an outright lie, as in, I was scheduled to go in but then wasn’t needed after all. But then I was about to casually mention to DH and then thought … hang on. and the more I thought about it the more alluring it became.

@Moonnstarz of course he sees people. That doesn’t really answer the question though. How on earth would he know that I am not in work that day unless he went to quite a lot of trouble to find out? Tbh a number of times one of my own colleagues hasn’t been in work and I haven’t noticed and I’ve been in the same building! But if you routinely bump into school parents in coffee shops and those parents know your working days and whether or not you’ve deviated from them that week we move in different worlds

It is fine to believe I am in the wrong. It is tedious making up ridiculous sagas to explain why I ‘will’ be found out. This particular saga involves my non coffee drinking husband going to a coffee shop (the nearest one is in the next town which is twenty minutes in the wrong direction to where I work) bumping into a school mum who knows me well enough to know that I don’t normally work Tuesdays and somehow knows (how?) that I said I was at work that day and I am not.

What the hell 😂

@Meadowfinch because he wouldn’t ‘accept’ that. He’d whine and complain about annual leave and why don’t I just go at the weekend and then at the weekend he’d be in agony and I’d feel bad or end up having at least one child with me.

Thanks @Newrun . It’s somehow hard to articulate isn’t it? Other mums get it but DH wouldn’t and it would lead to bickering and top trumps with tiredness and also him feeling justified to vanishing acts (which he’s prone to.)

I suffer from a long term chronic pain. It makes just general life absolutely exhausting. Living with a constant level of pain is exhausting. I don't lie down because I fancy a break, I'd much rather be participating in family life.

I lie down because my mind can't force my body to go on any longer. I feel constantly guilty for not being able to be the kind of parent/employee I could be if I was at 100% capacity. I feel like I'm constantly failing everyone.

I try really hard to make sure DH's life isn't affected by it. I tend to sacrifice work over home because I'm replaceable at work but not at home.

Sometimes I find out DH is in fact doing more at work than he actually needs to - he could do a school run or take a day off with a sick child allowing me to go to work, but he chooses to prioritise appearing completely dependable and going above and beyond at work. His work is known to offer flexibility and family-life balance, he chooses not to take it.

The difference here is I do the vast majority of the kids and he goes to work because I have lots or flexibility and work part-time, but he is full time and career building.

I do resent him when I find out he's prioritising being the ideal employee, because he's basically prioritising himself. But it's a long-term repeated choice to put that first and leave me to struggle.

I get that you're exhausted and need a break too. With kids that young and work everyone needs a break, it is absolutely exhausting in and of itself.

Honestly I think it's OK to do as you're proposing - you're working and looking after the kids. But I don't think it's going to fix your problem long-term. You need to find a bit more available space for yourself somehow or you will burn out and it sounds like everyone depends on you, so that's not an option.

If you're going to do it, then don't waste it feeling guilty.

Once you lie you have crossed a line. All of the posters above who are blasé with the truth, I doubt would easily accept their partner’s lying without it removing trust from the relationship.
Rather than focusing on one day which could cause untold damage, look realistically at what you can change. In your posts you’ve mentioned you’ve not asked for a day as they’d trash the house or you’d feel guilt. Let that guilt/worry go. You don’t need a show house and if he’s agreed you can have time - take it. I say that with a partner who has chronic pain.
Don’t destroy trust - it is not easy to get back and nor should it be.